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Old 01-18-2011, 07:48 PM
oriens's Avatar
oriens oriens is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3
Red face Feel a bit like a moose (very long intro, sorry)

I was going for a clever title, but this actually works really well for me. (Canadian gal with two blokes going on at the moment, rather like antlers!)

I'm 24, female, bi and have been married for 5 and a half years to a fantastic guy (26) with one son (4.5 years). My husband and I have always joked about being open, about being with other people, but as we were both quite conservatively Christian it was most definitely just joking around. Lately, however, that has changed.

Neither one of us really claims the Christian title any more. I'm fully agnostic (with atheistic leanings) and he's as agnostic and open as it seems to be possible to be. There's been so much growth between us and individually. Which I suppose is the point when people suggest that you not get married too young.

The difference I've seen between us as opposed to other 'together young' couples in my vicinity (all of whom have split up) is the communication and honesty we have.

It may take us a while but eventually we tell each other everything. In fact, my husband has always been the first one to hear of any new people I think are attractive, etc, and he's always been able to tell me the same.

So here's the saga. I first got into the idea of polyamory back in September, when a couple propositioned me at a staff party. My husband, upon hearing about it, gave the reaction of "why didn't you go"?

He had told me earlier that month that he'd been feeling as though he'd trapped me (and himself) into this marriage by thinking he was so wise when he was younger, and then when this proposition happened it was a huge shift. We started reading up on poly, started talking about it and discussing what we would want from it all -- that we would want to get along with each other's other partners, etc.

He even named a friend of mine that he could see me being with. A friend that I've known over a decade and definitely have felt attraction toward.

Since then, however, the following problem has arisen: I get to see my friend once a month (generally speaking) as we live a distance away from the city and don't go in all that much. But as my husband suggested, this friend has become another lover, and now my husband is very down about it.

It isn't very often, and i've been trying (and learning) to keep the NRE to a minimum. I try to be reassuring, and helpful, and the last thing I want is for my husband to feel horrible about this.

He acknowledges that it's likely envy - he wants it too, but we're in such a small place with girls that he doesn't connect with (or want to) and he feels a bit like it will not happen for him - that I "get" to go off and do these things and he is "stuck" at home while I do it.

whether that is actually the case or not (i always have other things going on that are taking me into the city overnight) is irrelevant - his feelings shouldn't be diminished. He feels how he feels.

The problem is that I can't seem to help. I have no idea what to do to make this easier for him. I think things will be better when we move in the fall - all 3 of us in our family (husband, son and myself) are hopefully going to be going to school in the city in the fall - but what can i do until then?



TL;DR: New to polyamory - both spouses consider themselves poly but only one has found a metamour (oh whoops, edit: i have a paramour. gosh this terminology is hard to keep straight!), now feels guilty that the other hasn't. Suggestions?

Last edited by oriens; 01-19-2011 at 12:40 AM.
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