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Old 01-18-2011, 03:22 PM
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detritus detritus is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 34
Default Lonely and panicky--when does it get easier?

My husband and I have been married for about 8 months and together for 5 years. About a year and a half ago we decided to open our relationship, but until recently we've been just "poly in theory." My husband had a brief prior experience with poly in a past relationship, but this is all new to me.

He has been dating another woman for about 3 weeks, and my emotions are all over the place in ways I never anticipated. Even though we talked and read about poly for ages, I'm having really visceral emotional reactions that I'm finding very draining. He's been really great about supporting and reassuring me, and I met the woman he's dating a few days ago and I liked her. She had a long-term poly relationship in the past, so I feel like I can trust her to respect our boundaries and my emotions.

I expected to feel lonely on their date nights, so I try to plan other activities. What's confusing to me is that those nights are often easier than other nights when I'm home alone because he's working (he works part-time evenings and goes to school, I have a 9-5). I keep feeling just impossibly lonely. Then other times I'll get a little "bee" of doubt or insecurity that just grows and buzzes until I'm feeling really panicked and overwhelmed. And sometimes I can get over my neuroses for a minute and just feel happy and excited for him. Is all of this typical?

I feel like my relationship with my husband has gotten stronger over the last few weeks because we have both been forced to be radically honest with each other. I love that we are talking about issues that were easily ignored in the past, and I feel like I've already grown a lot emotionally. Still, all that good stuff is overshadowed by the really exhausting nasty emotions I keep getting gobsmacked by. It makes me wonder if I'm really cut out for this type of relationship, or if we are on a fool's errand. Do most people that make poly relationships work feel like being poly is an intrinsic sexual orientation? Or are there others like us that are just more, I dunno, attracted to the idea and willing to give it a try?
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boundaries, communication, jealousy, loneliness, negotiations, new to poly, panic

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