Redpepper's journey

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

trusting in time and in my gut... and you and fate. and the love I feel for you.

What does fate hold for you? What are you hoping time will provide? You can trust in my love for you too

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

What are you hoping time will provide?

I believe looking deep within yourself and answering this with pure honesty is the key to what paths we will take and what our fate will be.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by redpepper

trusting in time and in my gut... and you and fate. and the love I feel for you.

You took the words out of my mouth, this is something resonating in my heart and soul... of course, in regards to my world.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

What does fate hold for you? What are you hoping time will provide? You can trust in my love for you too

I hope it provides an answer because I am stuck. This feels like an ultimatum some days, even if you don't intend it to. I can't help thinking that I am giving up more.

It's all very well for you to say that you will be okay, that you will still be my friend and that you will still be in my life. I will not be okay with that. At least not as it stands right now. Maybe one day it won't matter as much and I will be fine to drop our sex life because I need to be free to explore options with others without being restricted. Not a chance right now, but what is that going to do to us? Will this create weird dynamics between us sexually? Will it influence the dom/sub relationship we have? This is what I think about sometimes. I don't want to be in a situation needlessly whereby I feel like you owe me or that I cross a boundary in our D/s life because of resentment or frustration.

You ask a big thing of me Mono... to give up my freedom. That is big for any Sagittarius... do the reading on Sag's and you will see. I really don't know where it will take us, but I am willing to find out. It really has nothing to do with Leo or anyone specifically, and everything to do with my boundaries and yours. Your possible fear and my respect of that. Your determination and comfort and mine.

[redpepper]

I really couldn't say what I just did in my last post if I didn't think we would make it. Just so you know.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Maybe one day it won't matter as much and I will be fine to drop our sex life because I need to be free to explore options with others without being restricted.

I think about this also...not that it means less to you and you are ok with letting go of the sex, but that I will be ok with letting go of that "restriction". I was ready to do that with my ex wife I think..but not because I loved her more, but because I lost connection and did not value that aspect of our relationship. That is my only fear in all of this. I have no insecurity as the word is often thrown around in poly circles and don't adhere to the concepts of insecurity as it is laid out often. I have lost more than anyone on here (besides you)truly realizes and I fear no personal loss anymore; I will survive, that's what I do. The only thing I fear is setting you up by creating circumstances that in turn reshape my intimate energy connection to you. I have to be careful of this as I have used it in the past.

Originally Posted by redpepper

Will this create weird dynamics between us sexually? Will it influence the dom/sub relationship we have? This is what I think about sometimes. I don't want to be in a situation needlessly whereby I feel like you owe me or that I cross a boundary in our D/s life because of resentment or frustration.

Other than me probably not wanting to hear about your encounters with anyone besides PN, Derby and your Tersiary for quite some time, I don't think so. I don't think I would be comfortable talking about any sex I was having until I knew you were on very solid ground....I wouldn't need the guilt of hurting you more on my shoulders.

I don't know what would become of D/S...it's very intimate and I wouldn't let anyone else Dom me in that way. I think that would belong to us in memory. But I now understand our last scene more. There was anger there, it was your turn to release.

Originally Posted by redpepper

Your possible fear and my respect of that. .

I only fear one thing...what reshaping my intimate energy from you would do to your heart.

Originally Posted by redpepper

I really couldn't say what I just did in my last post if I didn't think we would make it. Just so you know.

I know

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I don't think I would be comfortable talking about any sex I was having until I knew you were on very solid ground....I wouldn't need the guilt of hurting you more on my shoulders.

That is the first time you have mentioned sex with someone else if we were to break up, EVER! It makes me think that you know what the end result of us will be already...

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

That is the first time you have mentioned sex with someone else if we were to break up, EVER! It makes me think that you know what the end result of us will be already...

Not at all Baby, just trying to look at things that probably won't happen in a logical way. Sorry, ...too much logic I think.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

That is the first time you have mentioned sex with someone else if we were to break up, EVER! It makes me think that you know what the end result of us will be already...

Not at all Baby, just trying to look at things that probably won't happen in a logical way. Sorry, ...too much logic I think.

[redpepper]

To much logic. There is no logic in any of this is there? If there is I wish someone would point it out. Having emotional attachments to this makes it far more complicated.

It just goes to show, poly theory is not the answer to everything. There are so many formulas to everything in poly as its so easy to think of it monogamously, but really, when it comes to mono/poly relationships there is really no answer.... don't do them would be my answer, but then I feel madly in love with you and couldn't help it and wasn't brave enough at the time to walk away. Neither were you.

I was hurt and broken and you washed the soot off my heart. Now I realize that I would of done both of us a favour if I had walked away. Thing is you needed me as much as I needed you and we both weren't able to walk away.... we have created an awesome life together all of us. Everything is complete... now there is just this one dilemma and I sometimes just can't shake it.

Its a good thing I am going back to work tomorrow. This introspection is sucking big time. Who knows though, maybe we will come up with an answer by the time we do our workshops as the two poly camps we are doing workshops at this summer...