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  #21  
Old 09-02-2009, 10:32 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Hmmm...now I wonder about this new situation with the gf. Why must life be so complicated? If you are up to it, share here and I'm sure you will be offered advice and support.
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  #22  
Old 09-02-2009, 11:18 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post

. . . created a reaction in our GF that opened a whole NEW can of worms.

. . . dropped a bombshell on us - and probably hasn't a clue about it.

. . . I'm just not sure how real she is.

*sigh*
Wow. Bummer. Sorry, K.
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  #23  
Old 09-03-2009, 06:57 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Ugh, it's a long, drawn out story, but here's a rough outline.

She has major communication issues. She has major problems handling conflict. Between the two, she has a tendency to twist or manipulate her words. She means no malice, but it has resulted in some trust issues when she's been caught in an outright lie.

She wanted to go somewhere next month to do something with one of her kids and was going to stay at the house of someone she once fooled around with. Because of the trust issues she knows she's created, particularly with my husband, I was just shocked that she wouldn't consider that this would upset him. It upset me, too, but I doubt that there was a good reason she'd expect that...

We talked and for now, there's peace... we'll see how much she learned from this one.
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  #24  
Old 09-03-2009, 01:31 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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By the way, what we did was write her letters, and then she wrote us an email. After that, we all talked. It was easier that way for a few reasons. One, with her memory issues (some genuine and some selective), I wanted a written version of what we all talked about. Two, it prevented him and I (mostly me, lol) from getting off topic and allowed us to form a more cohesive argument. And I think it made it easier for her to say, okay... I need some time to process this, and walk away without argument or discord.

So, for those who were worried we don't talk or communicate, at least you see that we do when it really matters. As for the situation with my husband, I tried to explain it as easily and fairly as possible... I simply told him I am not accusing him, I'm not mad at him and he's done nothing wrong. He just hasn't happened to want sex with me for two weeks. It happens. I rationally understand that there doesn't need to be a reason beyond that... it was just hard when I did NOT expect them to have sex and thought I had a chance that night, and I never really did. But that was my own fault, as I've already stated. He and she did nothing wrong. That was their alone time, to use as they please, and I honestly should expect that they will use it for sex, and never think I have a chance before or after, because for various reasons, I almost never will. So, I learned a lesson, too.

Anyway... that's that. Just figured I'd give a bit more of an update on what happened with him. We're good now (still no sex, but oh, well).

Thanks for the listening.

Hugs,
Kari
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  #25  
Old 09-03-2009, 11:36 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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My husband and I often communicate better through text messages throughout the day if one of us is having a problem than in person. He is very logical. I am very emotional. Sometimes the written word and space between us and time to think through responses evens the playing field. When we are together again in person, we are usually calmer and at least halfway to a resolution, if not totally there and falling into eachother's arms. It isn't about the TYPE of communication. It is just about communicating.
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  #26  
Old 09-04-2009, 06:36 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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This sounds so complicated! I struggle with that immensely. I like tied up packages not torn to shreds piles. Sorry, I realize that I really want to help and say something useful, but I believe I would probably say what I think I have already said to you Karelia and that is perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to move someone into your home that you don't know well enough.

Maybe she should move out and your primary relationship be worked on. I'm not saying that perhaps you should dump her, just that there be a chance to start again. I know that sounds harsh, but I can't think how the communication issue be solved if your husband is not participating in it getting better... and the whole sex thing....? sheeeesh. So much to wade through. It makes my head spin!

I don't see what you get out of this and really feel for you.
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  #27  
Old 09-05-2009, 01:16 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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The sex thing has been an issue before even without her. Someone's reply made me remember feeling slighted when we weren't having sex, but he masturbated. So, while it does compound the issue, it's not really something I haven't already dealt with where he is concerned. Aside from the sex issue, our marriage is about as strong as any, and having her involved has actually only made us stronger. She has done things that are similar to things I've done, and I've gotten a new appreciation for what some of those behaviors look like from the outside... makes me appreciate him more than I did, and that was a lot to begin with.

"He is very logical. I am very emotional."

That's us, except that on the rare issues that he is illogical about, he is VERY illogical about them. LOL. I say he's like a dragon - thick skinned unless you hit the exact right spot, and sometimes you don't expect it to be what it is.

As for what I get out of this...

NO relationship is without its issues. A third person is naturally going to create new issues, and yes, it's very new. Maybe it was too soon, only time will tell. However, many of the character flaws she has are ones we would not have seen without her moving in, especially since our relationship was long distance. They say you don't really know someone until you live with that person, and I think it's far easier to idealize someone who lives 1000 miles away. Moving out is only going to happen if this does not work. A) she can't afford to live on her own and b) we're not quitters. Asking her to move out would seem like a major step backwards, and not one any of us want to take.

We DO communicate. What they've asked is that I consider what I'm saying before I say it... in her case, one issue I had was not distinguishing the difference between a girlfriend and a girl friend. I vented to her about him in ways that were not necessarily helpful, especially when it was something that indirectly involved her. For example, how is it helpful to tell her that I feel like he wants her but not me? She just feels badly, she's not in his head, it makes her reluctant to have sex with him when I'm not around or they have alone time, and it can fuel resentment.

In his case, he has asked me to not tell him about things he's done that he can't undo or correct. I'm still coping with that one, but I firmly believe there are things I think that neither of them need to know about because they are not helpful comments. Doesn't mean I don't need to get them out... doesn't mean I don't need the chance to vent. It just means I have to select a different audience for that at times.

Most of you seemed to think I should tell him, and he finally asked because he saw it was making me miserable. It served to accomplish little to tell him. He felt badly, started to consider that he needs to worry about parity (so counting the times he has sex with her vs me, to make sure they're more equal), and that's not what I want. I don't want him to have sex with me for the sake of fairness. I just want him to want to have sex with me. If he doesn't, he doesn't. They happened to have alone time that led to sex... they did nothing wrong. He and I have alone time tonight, but he has MS and is in a lot of pain from a muscle spasm, so sex is not an option. It sucks, timing wise, but it is what it is.

As for what I get out of this... I love her. I know she loves me. She is flawed, but so am I. When I sleep (most nights) in between the two of them, I feel utterly surrounded by love. Yes, there is a lot of drama... but the first year my husband and I were together, we had that, too. The pain of NOT having her in our lives would be far, far worse than any of these issues we're working through. That said, if we ever reach a point where any one of us feels we can't do this anymore, it's over. My husband and I pick up the pieces, she finds a new place to live, and we all try to move on. I honestly don't think that is going to happen, but it's possible... certainly more likely if any one of us stops being willing to work on this, to work to make it happen.
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