Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 09-01-2009, 01:45 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 369
Default

It really doesn't have to mean he wants her more than he wants you. It could just be that he so happens to be able to have sex when they so happen to have time alone. It really could just be very bad timing on the part of sex drive. My husband has a low sex drive as well. I worked nights for years. We'd go weeks without sex and then he'd just be in the mood and I'd be at work. We didn't have a gf at the time, but he'd watch porn and take care of himself-then have no sex drive for me for the next week. I felt less wanted than porn! But, after time, I did come to realize it wasn't about me at all or about how much he wants me. It was just the timing.

You have sex all together? Three way? Perhaps you could express that you've felt left out and ask that, if they are alone and sex comes up, they can call you in to share in that and you will give them more alone time on another night? Explain that you tie physical intimacy to emotional intimacy (I am assuming here judging by your writing) and when you aren't being physical as often as they are you feel emotionally left out as well. That isn't a bad thing. It is just in some people's nature. It is in mine. If this is only the first time she's been getting more sex it really could be bad timing. If this is constant, maybe there is a deeper issue that will have to be addressed later.
__________________
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-01-2009, 02:00 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81
Default

Rarechild, your post came through while I was writing my reply to Quath.

It is not like this has gone on a long time. Until recently, the two of them were not having sex much, and she and I weren't, either. She was in a major libido slump. He and I *did* have sex during that time. Her libido has since bounced back some, and now it's been eleven days since he and I were together.

However, SHE and I were together during alone time last week... so she is definitely not doing anything intentional or wrong. As far as he goes, the last time he and I had sex it caused an issue with her (an unexpected issue, I might add), and so to some extent I wonder if that's not somehow subconsciously weighing on his mind.

There is NO denying he gets defensive when I talk to him about this. He's had some issues with sex, having lost his virginity in what was essentially (date) rape (and he went on to have a relationship with the girl because it was the only way he could cope - I was the first person to recognize the story for what it was). I think that our GF and him have a bond that he and I don't because she has been raped.

I don't want to make them feel badly for enjoying each other. It seems unfair, when I enjoy time alone with each of them. And I *DO* have the highest libido. Those are my words.

However, that said - there was a discussion a few weeks back because I felt they were constantly teasing me about it, and it was starting to piss me off and make me feel taken for granted. She and I also had to have a conversation because she has a tendency to get fairly physical when she has no intentions of having sex, and I was feeling like I was being used for her ego... like I was some sort of toy to play with and laugh at. The conversations she and I had related to all of this were extremely productive and resulted in my having a better understanding of where she was coming from when she did that (for her it was a little thrill when she wasn't up for a big one, and I basically explained that it was too much of a thrill for me if there wasn't follow up). She also told me that she never wants me to feel unwanted, and that was part of the motivation behind that during a time when she just wasn't feeling up for sex (starting a new job, a hard schedule, etc). However, she NEVER did that sort of thing with my husband, and so I was feeling toyed with. Now, we have a better understanding and have reached a middle ground on how far it can go...

But with him... *sigh* He is defensive. There's no doubt about it. I sort of understand where he's coming from, for a few reasons. One is that I'm the one who started all of this... he didn't ask for it or look for it (not that I looked for it, but it was still me he started it). Initially, he didn't even see how it could work, and we expected HIM to be the one with issues of jealousy and insecurity.

I know that stressing him out over sex is a sure fire way to make him want it even less... people have different libidos. He never withheld sex from me to make me feel badly or to punish me. He's not that kind of person at all. I think a lot of it related to his earlier sexual experiences with that first girlfriend, and also I think that he just generally doesn't think about sex as much as I do. For the record, he has low testosterone (and I, who have PCOS, have high testosterone, so go figure), and it's possible that isn't helping. On top of that, MS can cause erectile dysfunction issues, and he has Viagra, which he doesn't always need. But it DOES sometimes make a repeat performance impossible, and so on a night when he's with her, it's not JUST a lack of desire that may motivate him to not want me... there's also the risk of it not working, and as he's only 33, that's a devastating thing to deal with.

The bottom line is that sex is this very complex thing because of multiple factors, including several not related to her. Let's just add to this fire the fact that in our first year together, my sexual experience was very limited and I was insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. As I've already said, he was looking for any reason to run from me at that point, and sex became one of those reasons - because it wasn't very good for him (and I had little to compare it with). We've come a LONG way since then, and have had truly amazing sex... but I have the memory of an elephant, and remember every word ever said (including some said to be hurtful, but most said out of thoughtlessness, not cruelty) about that time period. So, naturally, with some insecurity I didn't know I still had, I am worried that maybe I'm not that good.

*sigh*

Okay... I'd write more but this thread's turning into a novel, and I have to go to work anyway. LOL. Thank you for listening, all of you... and Rarechild, I am mulling some of what you said. I definitely see some of your points as valid, and worth pondering.

((hugs))
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-01-2009, 02:03 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
It really doesn't have to mean he wants her more than he wants you. It could just be that he so happens to be able to have sex when they so happen to have time alone. It really could just be very bad timing on the part of sex drive. My husband has a low sex drive as well. I worked nights for years. We'd go weeks without sex and then he'd just be in the mood and I'd be at work. We didn't have a gf at the time, but he'd watch porn and take care of himself-then have no sex drive for me for the next week. I felt less wanted than porn! But, after time, I did come to realize it wasn't about me at all or about how much he wants me. It was just the timing.

You have sex all together? Three way? Perhaps you could express that you've felt left out and ask that, if they are alone and sex comes up, they can call you in to share in that and you will give them more alone time on another night? Explain that you tie physical intimacy to emotional intimacy (I am assuming here judging by your writing) and when you aren't being physical as often as they are you feel emotionally left out as well. That isn't a bad thing. It is just in some people's nature. It is in mine. If this is only the first time she's been getting more sex it really could be bad timing. If this is constant, maybe there is a deeper issue that will have to be addressed later.
All valid points... and this is the first time this has happened. I am definitely very emotional about sex. No getting around that. It's actually part of why I want them so much, as I've always had a high sex drive, but aside from them, have never been so... easy to get started?
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-01-2009, 02:08 PM
Rarechild's Avatar
Rarechild Rarechild is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: SW Michigan
Posts: 600
Default Hugs

Hugs back.
__________________
"Rocks will open and make a way for the lover."
~Hazrat Inayat Khan


I love Catfish and Charlie.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-01-2009, 03:33 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

Bless your precious heart! I am so sorry you are struglling with this.

I know, at least to some extent, how you feel. I'm the highest libido in my house, and sometimes I have to deal with issues like these. I'm sending you a private msg, because I am simultaneouly a lascivious vixen and a demure church lady.

But what I want to point out right away is that if your gf has thrush, everyone in your house needs to take preventative action against candida overgrowth and infection. I know candida is "just a yeast" but it can be some NASTY stuff when it's growing in the wrong place. At the absolute least, I hope you all eat lots of live-culture probiotic yogurt and get educated on candida.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 09-01-2009, 11:00 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81
Default

She is diabetic, so this isn't an uncommon issue for her (though as thrush it's the first). I eat tons of yogurt and am not overly concerned... but thank you for the tip and warning.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 09-02-2009, 02:45 AM
Creatress Creatress is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 23
Default Not alone, Kari!

Hello,

I'm joining a triad that is currently going through this a fair amount. The two who've been in the relationship 12 years used to have good sex pretty often, and now hardly ever with their third having been in the relationship for a year. It's unsolved, as to how we handle it, but it's a big problem for the woman in the equivalent of your position. *sigh* In our case, it is looking like we're moving from poly-fi to more open poly, but I know that's not your preference.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 09-02-2009, 07:55 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
I can't talk to him for two reasons... one is he recently asked me to not talk to him about things he can't fix. Well, he sure as hell can't fix this. Beyond that, what does it accomplish? I can't make him want me more. I don't have any magical "make them want Kari" pixie dust lying around (if you have some, please send it). If I tell him, it may even serve to make the problem worse... because he may feel less inclined to have sex since it's a source of stress and drama. Furthermore, the last thing I want is "pity sex."
*Why* on earth is it NOT OK for you to talk about feelings you're having?? Regardless of whether your feelings can be "fixed" (whatever that means) or not, you have a right for your feelings to be heard and listened to by your lovers. If I had a partner who was only able to listen to only the feelings he or she can "fix", I would honestly find that relationship unsustainable for me. Being able to express myself honestly is a fundamental need, and I would not be able to have a good relationship without that.

And that aside, there *are* things he can fix. If his libido isn't up to par, he can make up for it by making you feel wanted and desired in other ways. Cuddles, reading you a book, washing your hair, giving you a massage. The possibilities are only limited by your imagination. Sex isn't the only way to achieve intimacy.

It sounds to me like you're trying to blame yourself for most of what's going on here without allowing other partners to take responsibility for their parts in the relationships you're having. Perhaps it's time to find a poly-friendly relationship counselor to help. There seem to be some pretty fundamental things going on here.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-02-2009, 09:02 PM
Sunshinegrl's Avatar
Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 227
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
*Why* on earth is it NOT OK for you to talk about feelings you're having?? Regardless of whether your feelings can be "fixed" (whatever that means) or not, you have a right for your feelings to be heard and listened to by your lovers. If I had a partner who was only able to listen to only the feelings he or she can "fix", I would honestly find that relationship unsustainable for me. Being able to express myself honestly is a fundamental need, and I would not be able to have a good relationship without that.

And that aside, there *are* things he can fix. If his libido isn't up to par, he can make up for it by making you feel wanted and desired in other ways. Cuddles, reading you a book, washing your hair, giving you a massage. The possibilities are only limited by your imagination. Sex isn't the only way to achieve intimacy.

It sounds to me like you're trying to blame yourself for most of what's going on here without allowing other partners to take responsibility for their parts in the relationships you're having. Perhaps it's time to find a poly-friendly relationship counselor to help. There seem to be some pretty fundamental things going on here.
This totally. It may not be so much the Sex that you need just the intimacy that sex creates. You have a rightto talk to Him.. Regardless of being able to fix things. Reading your original post made me so hurt for you. Please talk to him. Its not right and your going to end up with bigger issues if you dont open up and share how your feeing with him. Your just going to end up feeling bitter. ((hugs))
__________________
I donít get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-02-2009, 09:50 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81
Default

It's actually just the sex. He touches me all the time. He snuggles me in bed. He rubs my feet when we're watching tv, holds my hand in the car...

And at any rate, he saw how unhappy I was and told me to tell him. So, I did.

As it turns out, it created a reaction in our GF that opened a whole NEW can of worms. Well, sort of...

Then today, when already still figuring out how he felt about a comment she made regarding him - when she thought he couldn't hear - she dropped a bombshell on us - and probably hasn't a clue about it.

There are no poly counselors where we live, and it's irrelevant anyway because financially it's not currently an option. Our insurance is terrible, she doesn't have any until October. It's just not something we can afford at the present time, but it certainly something I've considered for later.

At any rate... the drama with her is a much bigger issue than my feeling hurt because he didn't want sex with me for 12 days.

Also, I agree with you on the whole concept of needing to feel like I can talk to either of them about anything. Right now, I'm not sure there will be an issue because I'm just not sure how real she is.

*sigh*
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:20 AM.