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Old 01-16-2011, 08:52 PM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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Default Need Advice...sorry but I have no one else :(

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. Just 1 week ago, he came to me explaining that he is a poly by nature. Now he didn't say that exactly, and in fact, he didn't know what it was or what it was called.

The other woman looked it up and help us learn that it is poly...which led me here to this forum.

My husband had an affair with this girl. She is a wonderful person and I believe I could grow a close friendship with her. But I am angry...frustrated....crying all the time....I can't work, sleep, eat.

I have always been interested in these types of relationships, and part of it turns me on...but I was wired a mono.

I realize now (after reading some post) that I am angry that he and she were sneaking around behind my back. That I am not enough for him (although I have read this is not true) it is hard to not feel this way.



My questions are:

1. It hurts so bad to see him touch her, kiss her, show physical love...what do I do to overcome this pain?

2. I have yet to experience "knowing that he is with her" that they are together while I am at home, and that they are having sex....loving each other, being physical with each other....I know it is going to hurt....what do I do about that?

Last edited by Mahogany; 01-16-2011 at 08:56 PM.
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Old 01-16-2011, 09:02 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post

My questions are:

1. It hurts so bad to see him touch her, kiss her, show physical love...what do I do to overcome this pain?
You say you like her, could grow a good relationship with her......
Is it possible that this pain you are feeling is a reflection of the fact that it got started without your involvement or approval ?

What if you HAD known up front. Would it have been maybe smoother, less difficult ?

Feeling betrayed (a confidence of any type) leaves a deep wound. The best way to help it heal is to look at where you are TODAY - not yesterday.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
2. I have yet to experience "knowing that he is with her" that they are together while I am at home, and that they are having sex....loving each other, being physical with each other....I know it is going to hurt....what do I do about that?
You "KNOW" it's going to hurt ? How do you KNOW this ?
There's another equally valid option. You could be excited for him/them.
It's absolutely a choice.
Have you already made yours ? Maybe it's not too late to change it !

GS
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Old 01-16-2011, 09:09 PM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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I KNOW it is going hurt because of my fears...

He has re-assured me, over-and-over again.....but he is only human...

3. I am afraid of losing him, plan and simple...if I can trust that that will never happen (because of his relationship with her) than I could change my view.

4. I am afraid of his love growing for her....and as a result his love for me waning That if they are physical this will lead to their love growing, which in turn will destroy my bond with him.
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Old 01-16-2011, 10:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
I KNOW it is going hurt because of my fears...

He has re-assured me, over-and-over again.....but he is only human...

3. I am afraid of losing him, plan and simple...if I can trust that that will never happen (because of his relationship with her) than I could change my view.

4. I am afraid of his love growing for her....and as a result his love for me waning That if they are physical this will lead to their love growing, which in turn will destroy my bond with him.
Mahogony,

my partner is going through this as well. As the poly person in our relationship... I know my feelings will not change, and i have reassured my partner of that... but as much as I reassure - it will never be enough... the proof is in the pudding... at some point you will have to summon up the courage to let it happen and find out.

There may be a period during which it certainly feels as though his love has waned (the NRE period - do a tag search) but that does not mean that is what has happened - it just means he is pre-occupied for a period... again it will be up to you to (figuratively speaking) smack him on the back of the head and make him understand how you are feeling (at which point it is his responsibility to make sure you receive what you need to be reassured)

COMMUNICATE...

Good luck.
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Old 01-16-2011, 10:54 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I encourage you to check out my blog "which way to turn" under the blog section on this forum.

Our begining was very similar and I had very similar feelings and fears.

What worked for me was telling Karma exactly how I felt, If I was angry at that point, I told him, if I was grieving what we were, I told him, if I was having trust issues over the lies and betrayal, well he heard about that too.

I found things to distract me. I started knitting, I got a part time job, I blogged and journaled like a mad woman.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, but don't get stuck there.

I made a list of my needs. One of the biggest was I needed to be able to pull back if things got to be to much. They both agreed, at there was a time I had to. I thought I was okay with her sleeping over, but I wasn't. Seeing them together hurt. But one of my needs was to see it. I didn't want anymore secrets or hiding.

Eventualy, as time healed my wounds and Karma and I healed our marriage I became much more okay with things.

Don't rush, but don't stand still either.
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Old 01-17-2011, 01:18 AM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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1. It hurts so bad to see him touch her, kiss her, show physical love...what do I do to overcome this pain?

I went through this too with TruckrPete and Mr. A. Those thoughts cannot really be overcome easily. Ultimately it took a lot of communication on our part to handle it. I set ground rules, initially (they've been lifted now) that I did not want to see physical contact. Eventually I overcame these feelings by communicating when I was upset, what specifically upset me, and TP was responsive to my feelings; and that's the key if your husband does not want to take your feelings into account then he's selfish.

That being said part of the hurt you are feeling could be coming from being betrayed prior to your discussion of Poly; because frankly, that's what your husband did. It's one with thing to call it poly after the fact but in reality it was just bad monogamy. Is he saying he's poly because he is or because he got caught cheating?

2. I have yet to experience "knowing that he is with her" that they are together while I am at home, and that they are having sex....loving each other, being physical with each other....I know it is going to hurt....what do I do about that?

I had terrible anxiety over TP and Mr. A being together and me sitting at home; at one point I came close to a full blown panic attack. Again, it was communication that I did not want to know details other than they were out, and that's something that's still in effect today.

It's hard to pinpoint when or really how I overcame that feeling, but I think it was just that eventually I realized that there's no division of love lessening TP's love for me and she loves me just as much (actually more since I gave her the green light for poly) and also that she will eventually come home. Part of it was that I met and became friends with Mr. A, that helped immensely because he was not some guy trying to steal my wife (then fiancÚ) but someone who was respectful of our relationship and that there would be an adjustment period.

The best advice I can give you, since I have been through it, is that you need to set hard guidelines of your needs from this poly relationship; that is what restrictions will make you comfortable enough that you are not hurting. It's on your husband (and subsequently the girlfriend*) to allow you time to adjust, if he's not willing to see it from your perspective and just plows ahead in his relationship, you need to reevaluate his respect for you because if that's the case you and your feelings don't mean much to him.

As for your feelings of inadequacy that you are not enough for him, I cannot speak to his motives, but I can say that this might not be the case. I had to discuss this at length with TP because I was constantly making a direct comparison to Mr. A. That happened, and as I eventually realized, Mr A and I bring decidedly different things into TP's life; we are similar but different in ways that makes TP love us.

I recommend having a long discussion with him about his girlfriend and their relationship; touch on your needs for restrictions to make you comfortable, his reasons for wanting poly (see above re: getting caught) and what he can do for you to show you that you are not inadequate. All that being said though, you need to realize that some of the work has to come from you, I had to work on my jealousy and insecurities too.
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Old 01-17-2011, 01:55 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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^^^^ Yeah that. The difference being, I am a need to know kind of person. I need to know all the details to be okay with it.
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Old 01-17-2011, 03:14 AM
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My husband wants DETAILS. He hates being excluded! And I am terrible at keeping secrets! I love sharing things with him, epecially when I'm all aglow -- he actually loves seeing me that happy. Yes, I do look lovely in NRE

Since we are not really out to many people, it is wonderful to have him to talk to. I guess that's weird to some, but it works for us.

My OSO and I cheated behind my husband's back, progressively, for 4 years*. But we never went "all the way," partly because I knew I could not hide THAT excitement, after the fact. Once we got the green light I was absolutely giddy. And so much of that sheer happiness was thanks to my HUSBAND. I felt more loved that day than ever. I never knew how much I could really, really trust him with my deepest feelings. He still struggles with insecurities, but I hope he realizes how much I appreciate what he has done for me.

*The cheating was something I hated doing, but I never knew I could have handled it differently. I fought my heart for years, it was terrible. My husband agreed to open up, and I found the poly forums right after that. The support is awesome! So was my husband's ability to forgive. I am in awe
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Old 01-17-2011, 07:20 AM
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It is very valid that you ask them to slow down if you are struggling. If their having sex is too much/spending too much time together/leaving you out of conversations.. whatever, then ask them to take a break, talk about it, and slow down so that you can catch up emotionally. Going at the pace of the one who is struggling is respectful, will show you that they care and can empathize.

If they pull it off and decide they would like to fulfill your requests then doing so will show you that they can be trusted and that they have integrity. Give them some idea of what your boundaries are so that they have something to negotiate with. I'm not saying that they will always do as you want or even that they should, but that you have every right to ask for your needs to be met and if they are wise and loving/caring, they will do their best to help you find a place of comfort.

There are many threads here that could help. I hope that they take the time to read her also. If you do a tag search or look in the stickes you will find many ideas on where to start reading.. there is lots on "jealousy" "NRE" "lessons" "foundations" all in the tags. Use them and add to them if you wish. Sharing is what this forum is all about.
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Old 01-17-2011, 06:14 PM
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Sometimes the best thing to do is to face your fears head on. I had a lot of the same fears when my husband first started dating his gf. I'm still not comfortable with them having sex in the house when I'm home (but then again I'm not comfortable with anyone having sex in my house while I'm in it if it's not me). I don't have any desire to know when or where or how often they are intimate, as long as it's not impacting my sex life it's all good.

As for them going out and me being alone at home, I've got to the point that I quite enjoy it. I like that he has someone to go out with to do stuff with that I'm not interested in. It takes the pressure off.

If you think you like her and think that she might be good for him it might be a good idea to let go a little. Chances are he'll surprise you in a positive way. You're worst case scenario isn't likely to happen. Also you're probably not going to be ok with things overnight. It's going to take a lot of talking and things that have been just below the surface of your relationship are going to come up and have to be dealt with. Ride the ups and downs, they do smooth out.
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