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Old 01-17-2011, 01:36 AM
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Monoconfused Monoconfused is offline
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My wife of 7 years has recently found a boyfriend. I Guess I shouldn't be surprised, her parents had a Poly relationship too. I was raised in a very traditional household and with traditional values. She has been open and honest with me from the beginning as her relationship developed from someone who she wanted to have a 3 way with, to a possible second sexual partner to lover very quickly, in the matter of about 2 weeks. She says that she needs him to be happy, and on some level I understand that you can love someone else. But I don't like it. She says that when she has us both she feels complete and comfy in her own skin for the first time in a very long time. Only now I feel broken. I wont tell her she can't have what makes her happy but I don't think that I can be happy if she continues down this road. I guess even though I understand how someone can love two people I just had always hoped that it would never happen to me. I feel like I am losing a part of myself. I am concerned that we are to this point where only one of us can be happy, either she loses him and she is miserable or she has him and I am miserable.
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Old 01-17-2011, 01:58 AM
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The best advice I can give you, since I have been through it, is that you need to set hard guidelines of your needs from this poly relationship; that is, what restrictions will make you comfortable enough that you are not hurting. It's on your wife (and subsequently the boyfriend) to allow you time to adjust, if she's not willing to see it from your perspective and just plows ahead in her relationship, you need to reevaluate his respect for you because if that's the case you and your feelings don't mean much to her.

All that being said it becomes also about if it's something you want; do you want to be with her if she has a boyfriend? Can you handle the work that will be required?

All that being said though, you need to realize that some of the work has to come from you, I had to work on my jealousy and insecurities too. I had to ask the questions I put to you because I went through the hurt, and the anxiety, and the jealousy and comparisons and the pain. But I made the decision that I loved TP enough that the work was worth it.
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Old 01-17-2011, 02:26 AM
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She is not being wholly unfeeling, and neither is he. They have both said that my feelings are important. But that is never at the cost of their relationship. I think she is worth all the effort in the world she is the love of my life. I want her to be happy but I honestly wonder if I can be happy in this situation.
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Old 01-17-2011, 02:34 AM
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In fact she has spent many many hours trying to make this ok for me. She is the one who suggested this sight to me for support. I am just not sure if I am able to handle it.
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Old 01-17-2011, 02:35 AM
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Quote:
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But that is never at the cost of their relationship.
It should be give on all sides. You, her, him. I hope they're giving to you as you are to them.
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Old 01-17-2011, 02:52 AM
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I'm pretty new to this too, only about 3 months into a poly lifestyle. What I read in here is that it is tough at the beginning but it does get better. Poly is such a new idea when you have been immersed in mono ideals. It's scary, it sounds crazy, and you are always second-guessing (I know my husband is). The idea of compersion is the most beautiful thing I have found here.

When you love someone, it's always worth a try to explore new ways of loving.

Congratulations for your willingness to keep an open mind and heart.

Love is worth it!!!
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Old 01-17-2011, 02:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Monoconfused View Post
But that is never at the cost of their relationship.
I agree with TP on this point. This alone would give me pause, it sounds like she is placing you secondary to her boyfriend, and that is wrong.

She's trying to balance a developing relationship but at the cost of an existing one. You say they are not being wholly unfeeling but they ARE; she is sacrificing your feelings and her exisiting relationship for a new one. It's all part of New Relationship Energy, she's swept up in new feelings and the fun of a new relationship, and she is ignoring your needs. If it is one sided as it seems then there's only hurt for you in it; if she is not willing to see that she will need to sacrifice some of her new relationship for you, it's not going to end well.

I mentioned before that when TP started dating Mr. A we set fairly strict rules for her time spent together; this was to prevent a situation like you have because TP would have disappeared in a NRE puff without them and I'd have been left hurt and alone.

One concept that TP and I embraced at the start of her relationship with Mr. A was "Fair but not equal." essentially acknowledging that I had been here, had put the effort into the relationship and because I was the one being asked to adjust and be ok with the new relationship I had a more important role and feelings to consider; but that also meant that Mr A had rights (for lack of a better term) to be treated fairly in this relationship.
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Old 01-17-2011, 03:01 AM
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As the wife in this situation..I kinda gotta share a few more details. I spend my days and nights trying to make this ok, to help him find a way to cope with the situation because this was my decision. While I have been open and honest about the situation, I am the one who asked him to accept this and I feel that it is my responsibility to help make it ok for him. The boyfriend in this has also made that commitment.

The biggest issue that we have right now is that all 3 of us are in separate countries with different time zones. He has not asked anything of us, however I have set up times in my day that are reserved for him and him alone. I do not answer the phone, have people over, talk to others online and I try to make sure that our 4 children are occupied during this time so that it is about us and us alone. He feels that I am able to spend more time with the boyfriend because of his time zone and his job, so I have tried to limit that and make the time that we do have together as much about quality as I can. (The hubby and I's time) My frustration comes into how every single conversation we have has to come back to the relationship between myself and the boyfriend. He's not willing to let it go for even a day so that we can talk about just us. Nothing and I mean nothing I say or do can distract him from this topic and it's painful.
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Old 01-17-2011, 03:20 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post

One concept that TP and I embraced at the start of her relationship with Mr. A was "Fair but not equal." essentially acknowledging that I had been here, had put the effort into the relationship and because I was the one being asked to adjust and be ok with the new relationship I had a more important role and feelings to consider; but that also meant that Mr A had rights (for lack of a better term) to be treated fairly in this relationship.
Yes, fair but not equal was something I struggled with as I tried to avoid the trap of not treating my new partner, Mr. A, as a person, and assuming he'd just be fine with every rule and guideline Indigo set at the beginning.

The way it worked for us, would be Indigo set out a guideline. If I could see any immediate unfairness to it, we would discuss. For exemple, once he stated that if I wanted to go out with friends, that time should come out of my time with Mr. A. I thought this was unfair because me seeing other friends had nothing to do with my relationship with Mr. A, and any time spent with other friends should come out of both of their time. Indigo agreed with me after I explained my point of view.

After the guideline/rule was deemed acceptable to both of us, I would then bring it to Mr. A and ask for his input. I would bring back any concerns/desired changes to Indigo.

This would be repeated until everyone was happy (or could at least live) with whatever was being discussed.

This process was exhausting, but completely necessary and well worth the effort.

Ideally, the best compromises will push your comfort level a little bit so that you can grow, and cause your partner to be more aware of the process you have to go through.
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Old 01-17-2011, 03:23 AM
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Monoconfused Monoconfused is offline
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Originally Posted by redevil View Post
My frustration comes into how every single conversation we have has to come back to the relationship between myself and the boyfriend. He's not willing to let it go for even a day so that we can talk about just us. Nothing and I mean nothing I say or do can distract him from this topic and it's painful.
this is my frustration too. I never stop thinking about this. It consumes me. I don't like that she wants someone else. I am making her miserable because I can't let it alone. Its always there staring me in the face.
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