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  #1  
Old 01-15-2011, 11:51 PM
darkmirror darkmirror is offline
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Default Need to learn about Polyamory

By way of introducing myself to the board, I am a male in a 30 year marriage. My wife and I have been struggling to reignite the flame in our marariage for years. I can't honestly say that we are still in love with each other. With all of the problems we are having, it's difficult to say the L word. In the mean time, I have met a woman within the last few years who has talked to me about polyamory. She and I could very easily be lovers were it not for the fact that I am committed to my family. I never thought I would find myself in this position. It goes against everything that I have always been taught.

I am searching for answers and polyamory may provide me with some. The problem is that if I brought this to my wife, it would not be a polyamorous relationship because she would not accept it.

The idea of loving freely and openly with more than one person appeals to me very much. But I am so new to this. I hope that I can learn from those on this forum who truly are practicing polyamory and not just looking to hook up.

Thanks.
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  #2  
Old 01-16-2011, 01:09 AM
Charlie Charlie is offline
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Default Plenty of seats left.

Darkmirror, welcome.

We are all here, doing are best to learn from each other while we question quite a few of the things that we have held to be infallible, about ourselves mostly it seems.

Not to speak for anybody else, but I think it's a fair assessment.

Nice to meet you, sir.
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  #3  
Old 01-16-2011, 01:38 AM
darkmirror darkmirror is offline
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Originally Posted by Charlie View Post
Darkmirror, welcome.

We are all here, doing are best to learn from each other while we question quite a few of the things that we have held to be infallible, about ourselves mostly it seems.

Not to speak for anybody else, but I think it's a fair assessment.

Nice to meet you, sir.
Thanks. It's good to know that there are other people out there searching for answers as I am.
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  #4  
Old 01-16-2011, 03:43 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I'm happy to hear you've discovered something wonderful that you would like to have in your life and I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife have lost the magic in your marriage.

There's a general consensus in the poly world that your primary relationship needs to be strong and solid before you start adding other people to your life. At this point, even if your wife did give her permission, it would most likely only drive a deeper wedge between the two of you.

Right now, it would be good to focus on your marriage, either fixing it or deciding that it can't be fixed. If you decide to pursue a polyamorous lifestyle, that can come after you take care of the immediate situation. Getting together with another woman will do nothing to fix the immediate situation.
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  #5  
Old 01-16-2011, 03:59 AM
darkmirror darkmirror is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I'm happy to hear you've discovered something wonderful that you would like to have in your life and I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife have lost the magic in your marriage.

There's a general consensus in the poly world that your primary relationship needs to be strong and solid before you start adding other people to your life. At this point, even if your wife did give her permission, it would most likely only drive a deeper wedge between the two of you.

Right now, it would be good to focus on your marriage, either fixing it or deciding that it can't be fixed. If you decide to pursue a polyamorous lifestyle, that can come after you take care of the immediate situation. Getting together with another woman will do nothing to fix the immediate situation.
I sense that what you are saying is absolutely true. I know that I need to come to some resolution to my marital issues before trying to initiate another relationship. It wouldn't be fair to bring someone else into the mess that is my life right now. It is extremely difficult to admit that I can't fix something. I've always been the guy that could fix anything.

When a long time marriage starts to unravel, it does not just impact to two principals. There are kids, grandkids, friends, family, etc...... It's not just a family, it's a village.

But I do have this strong conviction that if given another opportunity to find love, I will not limit myself to one woman. It makes no sense to me that we should limit love to just the one person that we are living with. So I am curious about the poly lifestyle. Curious to see how many people are truly polyamorous and how many are using it as an excuse to have other sex partners.

As I'm trying to work through my relationship issues, it sometimes gets lonely. The lonliest kind of lonely is when you are not alone. Sitting in the house with my wife and no words are spoken. In different parts of the house. I just wish that i had another woman to talk to. Someone else to love.

But thanks for the advice. It is in line with my thoughts.
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  #6  
Old 01-16-2011, 04:56 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by darkmirror View Post
I sense that what you are saying is absolutely true. I know that I need to come to some resolution to my marital issues before trying to initiate another relationship.
Exactly. It appears you understand what's necessary for polyamory to work.

Welcome aboard.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #7  
Old 01-16-2011, 05:15 PM
darkmirror darkmirror is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Exactly. It appears you understand what's necessary for polyamory to work.

Welcome aboard.
Thanks. I am curious though as to how others came to embrace polyamory. You for instance. How did you happen to find your way? Was it difficult? Were you married before you found it?
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  #8  
Old 01-16-2011, 06:39 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by darkmirror View Post
Thanks. I am curious though as to how others came to embrace polyamory. You for instance. How did you happen to find your way? Was it difficult? Were you married before you found it?
You can find out a lot about the details of other people's journeys and experiences in the Life Stories and Blogs section of the forum. There is also a section called "Golden Nuggets" which has a list of links to threads on this forum that are about issues common to many people's situations. You can also do a tag search for terms that interest you.
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  #9  
Old 01-16-2011, 06:54 PM
darkmirror darkmirror is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
You can find out a lot about the details of other people's journeys and experiences in the Life Stories and Blogs section of the forum. There is also a section called "Golden Nuggets" which has a list of links to threads on this forum that are about issues common to many people's situations. You can also do a tag search for terms that interest you.
Thanks. I guess I should spend some time looking around the site.
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