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  #41  
Old 01-15-2011, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I understand.

But-it's not my intention.

See, I've had "fuck buddies", one night stands, people who were lovers strictly for hte purpose of being lovers etc. That's all cool.


My question only pertains to those who were INTENDING to find a long term, permanent relationship.



See, the quandry is that Maca and I see it differently and he thinks I may just be totally unique (maybe so).


For me personally-if a person is a fuck buddy-they are a fuck buddy. PERIOD.

Where as, if I find someone attractive and the sparks fly-they could go EITHER WAY-if I choose them to be a fuck-buddy, they will NEVER be a part of the family.

On the other hand, if they seem to be potentially a good fit for the family, I will take hte time to build a friendship before taking them as a lover.


Maca says that most people who are looking for long term relaionships will never consider waiting to get to know each other like that if they can't have sex. Which may be true (lucky me I haven't had that problem).

But, for me, I know perfectly well that while I (and they) are in NRE, there is a chemical nightmare going on in our heads that has nothing at all to do with whether or not we're intellectually, lifestyle, future-goal compatible. Great we're sexually compatible-SO WHAT?

IF I'm looking for someone to fill in the entertainment in my sex life THATS PERFECT.
But in terms of someone to be a part of my family (with 5 kids in it)-that's simply not reasonable. ....

Make sense?
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think there is absolutely people who would put relationship over sex. The connection over gratification. That's been the entire journey I went through with casual sex (and I here I thought I was annoying people with talking about it so much). My journey with Mono has really driven that message home that it is possible. He told me early on that he thought I was being used for sex and not valued for who I am as a person and I have proved that it was true. I took him to task on that statement and he was right.I was used for sex. I have also proven that people can wait or not have sex at all and have a perfectly connected and wonderful relationship. Leo and I are proof of that.
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think the question here is more about what order it happens for people, not whether we prefer one over the other.
nycindie... et al.... I just wanted to clarify what I was responding to....
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  #42  
Old 01-15-2011, 07:42 AM
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I have a feeling that I will always want a swarm of family around me. When PB grows up and leaves home I will still be as busy and never be alone. As I am now. We have 6 or more adults looking after LB and that doesn't include school and other care...! I have to fight to see him every day some days. Ya, we are all together and I like it that way. I wonder if it's because I'm first generation Canadian. My parents had only me and my brother... we did everything together and lived a third of the year in the bush in North western ontario... fly in camps with non one but us there for hundreds of miles.

Off topic, but thanks for getting me to think beyond the child years. I guess we shall see... one day I will be an old timer sitting in my rocker, Mono gone, PN gone.... Derby gone and will be alone. I wonder what that will be like. Maybe I will resort to relationship dynamics that I don't now! possibly... shit, nothing has turned out like I thought it would this far anyway! I always fly by the seat of my pants, but with policies around how to fly... fuck procedure, policy is where its at. Knowing what I value is the bottom line in deciding how and when a loving/sexual/friendly relationship will start and stop.
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  #43  
Old 01-15-2011, 07:45 AM
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one day I will be an old timer sitting in my rocker, Mono gone, PN gone.... Derby gone and will be alone.
Don't be so sure about the order....it could be one of us in that rocker, Lilo. XO
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  #44  
Old 01-16-2011, 04:17 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
.............
A lot of this is how people view certain words and the meanings we attach to them.
This is a great point and observation Indie !

This topic has come up here (and other places) many times before and I hope it keeps coming up because it's so critical.
It's really a culture thing. Every 'unit' (family, neighborhood, profession,geo area etc) develops it's own somewhat unique culture and understanding of language within it. And as the world grows smaller and we find ourselves interacting with more people from different cultures, this is critical to keep in mind. It's important to pause and say "can you give me your definition of that" more often that we usually do. We plow ahead, 'assuming' we're speaking the same language and the result all to often is that we hit a division where, in reality, there should have been none ! We walk away from this division when if we'd have only dug below the surface, we may have been pulled together.

Nothing is ever simple it seems..................

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  #45  
Old 01-16-2011, 04:30 PM
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This is a great point and observation Indie !
Oh my gosh, I just realized her name is NYC Indie. Ive been reading it wrong and calling her Cyndie. LOL

New York Cindie, or NYC Indie?
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  #46  
Old 01-16-2011, 10:13 PM
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Oh my gosh, I just realized her name is NYC Indie. Ive been reading it wrong and calling her Cyndie. LOL

New York Cindie, or NYC Indie?
LOL, Mags, it's Indie, but I never corrected anyone who called me Cindie, 'cause it helped keep me anonymous here. My real given name is totally different! Tee-hee.
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  #47  
Old 01-17-2011, 01:42 AM
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I don't even almost have a set answer to this question. It completely depends on the person, the energy flow, other circumstances in my life...

For my husband and I, we met a couple times casually because we had the same social circle, but we were never really friends. He drove me home from karaoke once, played with my hair, and it was magical. Next time he was in town, I invited him over. He thought we should have a "date" before we spent the night together, so we met with some people for wings, and then he came over. He never really left! We didn't have sex for the first few weeks, he even brought me home for Christmas before we took that step. We just felt this amazing connection right away, and there was no stopping that magical force.

For myself, I find that I either feel a romantic attraction / energy attraction, or I don't. I have never had romance develop from a friendship. Once you get put in my "just friends" box, there you shall always remain. I have, however, been able to become just friends with ex-lovers, after there has been some time apart to allow the feelings to dissipate.

That being said, I never go out looking for romance. It will come when it's meant to. I sometimes go out looking for friends, but I'm very introverted and I have 2 good friends in town and some friendly colleagues at school, so those needs are met.
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  #48  
Old 01-17-2011, 03:19 AM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post

As I watch the singles around me opperate, this is what I personally see

Under 25:
Friends > Attraction > Love > Lovers
Friends > Attraction > Lovers > Love
Attraction > Friends > Lovers > Love

Over 30:
Attraction > Lovers > Friends > Love
Attraction > Lovers > Love > Friends
Interesting. When I was young, things primarily went:

Attraction > Lovers > Friends > Love

As I've aged it's gone to primarily:

Attraction > Friends > Love > Lovers
Attraction > Friends > Lovers > Love
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  #49  
Old 01-17-2011, 03:26 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
But, for me, I know perfectly well that while I (and they) are in NRE, there is a chemical nightmare going on in our heads that has nothing at all to do with whether or not we're intellectually, lifestyle, future-goal compatible. Great we're sexually compatible-SO WHAT?

IF I'm looking for someone to fill in the entertainment in my sex life THATS PERFECT.
But in terms of someone to be a part of my family (with 5 kids in it)-that's simply not reasonable. ....

Make sense?
Exactly. I enjoy getting all fluttery when the chemical bath kicks in and I'm infatuated with someone. That isn't enough to launch a relationship, however, so I enjoy that feeling and then spend time building a friendship to see if there's reason to believe a long-term relationship could come of it.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #50  
Old 01-18-2011, 03:25 AM
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Yes Autumn! Like that.
I LOVE the sensations, I enjoy them while they last, but I don't use them as the guideline for my "forward progress" in a relationship.

)
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