Husband's girlfriend uncomfortable

[lovinhimloviner]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

OK, as long as you're all tested and/or using protection, I don't think she has to know every time you do something on a date. Maybe she just doesn't WANT to hear about it. I don't think it's necessary for her to know about it or have an opinion about it every time you have sex with someone else.

OK I can understand that. Thank you for pointing that out.

[redpepper]

I think that this needs some times and I think you are really right on the money staying really close to her. I don't think it's wise to get involved in their dynamic, but its best to keep on her good side.

The whole camming thing is a bit much, but eventually they will both bore of it I think... time. All these kind of weird things have a way of either working themselves out or really showing up to be stranger than is comfortable and then warrant changing.

[lovinhimloviner]

**update**

Well hubby and his GF had a nice long talk about everything. We will see if any of it helps. I hope so they both care so much for each other. I think what they both have to figure out is how much effort is the relationship worth. It will take a lot of work, just like any other relationship. I am starting to see how much more work it is when adding a mono to a poly couple. I guess I always assumed that if one of us fell in love it would be with someone who didn't or wouldn't have any major problems with it. Well, you know what they say? When You Assume, You Make An “Ass” out of “U” and “Me”.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

but it also brings up something else. Are your husband and she not using condoms, and has everyone been tested prior to doing so? Do you not use condoms with your other partners prior to being tested?

It's an unfortunate myth that using condoms will keep you safe.

I have always used condoms in every relationship until everyone passed their tests. And then six months ago, I got an abnormal pap smear.

Several hours of research later, I learned that HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) can be passed on when using condoms AND it's not covered by standard STD testing. In most places, you can't even get access to an HPV test if you want to test for it specifically. Until you get an abnormal pap smear, HPV is completely asymptomatic (unlike Herpes, which can be transmitted with condoms, but usually gives you a visual indicator you're infected).

In fact, over 90% of sexually active adults have had HPV at some point in their lives, and up to 70% of adults have it at any given time. In most cases, the body treats it like any other viral infection like a cold or flu, and you're all better in no time. But in some cases, it sticks around and can cause cervical cancer.

Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously not saying that using condoms is pointless, they still do a great job at preventing HIV, gonorrhoea, syphilis, and babies... but don't think that using condoms will completely protect either yourself or your partners. AND don't assume that because your STD test comes back clean, that you don't have any sexually transmittable infections.

So unless you and your spouse both subscribe to no-sex-before-monogamous-marriage, then you're always at risk of transmitting something to anyone you have sex with, or having them transmit it to you.

Bottom-line: Any time you're having sex with other people, you're risking bringing something home to your partner.

[TL4everu2]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

It's an unfortunate myth that using condoms will keep you safe.

I have always used condoms in every relationship until everyone passed their tests. And then six months ago, I got an abnormal pap smear.

Several hours of research later, I learned that HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) can be passed on when using condoms AND it's not covered by standard STD testing. In most places, you can't even get access to an HPV test if you want to test for it specifically. Until you get an abnormal pap smear, HPV is completely asymptomatic (unlike Herpes, which can be transmitted with condoms, but usually gives you a visual indicator you're infected).

In fact, over 90% of sexually active adults have had HPV at some point in their lives, and up to 70% of adults have it at any given time. In most cases, the body treats it like any other viral infection like a cold or flu, and you're all better in no time. But in some cases, it sticks around and can cause cervical cancer.

Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously not saying that using condoms is pointless, they still do a great job at preventing HIV, gonorrhoea, syphilis, and babies... but don't think that using condoms will completely protect either yourself or your partners. AND don't assume that because your STD test comes back clean, that you don't have any sexually transmittable infections.

So unless you and your spouse both subscribe to no-sex-before-monogamous-marriage, then you're always at risk of transmitting something to anyone you have sex with, or having them transmit it to you.

Bottom-line: Any time you're having sex with other people, you're risking bringing something home to your partner.

Truth. Thanks Cat.

[lovinhimloviner]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

It's an unfortunate myth that using condoms will keep you safe.

I have always used condoms in every relationship until everyone passed their tests. And then six months ago, I got an abnormal pap smear.

Several hours of research later, I learned that HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) can be passed on when using condoms AND it's not covered by standard STD testing. In most places, you can't even get access to an HPV test if you want to test for it specifically. Until you get an abnormal pap smear, HPV is completely asymptomatic (unlike Herpes, which can be transmitted with condoms, but usually gives you a visual indicator you're infected).

In fact, over 90% of sexually active adults have had HPV at some point in their lives, and up to 70% of adults have it at any given time. In most cases, the body treats it like any other viral infection like a cold or flu, and you're all better in no time. But in some cases, it sticks around and can cause cervical cancer.

Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously not saying that using condoms is pointless, they still do a great job at preventing HIV, gonorrhoea, syphilis, and babies... but don't think that using condoms will completely protect either yourself or your partners. AND don't assume that because your STD test comes back clean, that you don't have any sexually transmittable infections.

So unless you and your spouse both subscribe to no-sex-before-monogamous-marriage, then you're always at risk of transmitting something to anyone you have sex with, or having them transmit it to you.

Bottom-line: Any time you're having sex with other people, you're risking bringing something home to your partner.

I feel this is a good reason for everyone to be able to have a chance to have there thoughts considered when one of us wants to have relations outside of the family dynamic.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner

The problem i am having now is I keep bending over backwards to make sure she is comfortable. She has said she feels like the OW.

Let her take responsibility for her own issues. That's not your problem to solve.

[lovinhimloviner]

Do you guys ever just feel sad about everything for no reason? I am sure there is a reason I just don't know what it is. Maybe it is because hubby's gf doesn't want him to live the swinger life anymore. That I don't have a problem with but it is her reasoning that bothers me. She said if he has her and still wants to have sex with someone else then it has to mean the she isn't enough for him. To me that feels like she is saying that she thinks I must not be enough for him because he is with her. I know this is irrational and I don't usually feel like this. My husband is here with me and tells me all of the time that he loves me and I am beautiful. He shows me how much he cares about me constantly. I have no idea what my problem is.

I have a convention to go to in a couple of weeks and will be out of town for 3 days. His gf said she would come stay with him while I am gone. I was excited about it. I was happy for him that she is finally wanting to come be with him. He can't go to her place so the only other option is a hotel. With 4 kids we can't afford for them to that very often. She said it is to hard for him to come pick her up for a couple hours to hang out because it isn't enough time and she would be sad when he left. I understand this is all new to her but it is new for us too. It hurts my feelings a little that she doesn't want to come here when I am here but she will come here if I am out of town.
I will talk to her about this later but I really needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening.

[MonoVCPHG]

Just a quick and not necessarily correct assessment:

His girlfriend is attempting to create a false reality to cope with her relationship, that much is clear. She is looking for something more than your hubby can give her but trying to capture it in little moments such as when you are not around.

She is struggling to find a way to be with your husband. She either really really loves him or is not ready to find someone that better suits the way she wants love expressed to her. My guess is she wants exclussivity. I doubt she is a "Cowgirl" but also doubt she is healthy at the moment.

She's going to have really confront what she wants from a serious relationship and express it.
You and your hubby really need to do the same. If he is going to be "open" poly and want to explore other women, he needs to be up front about that for her to make a solid decision. What he decides will affect you as well. The compromise that Redpepper has made to be with me has also impacted what she gets to experience with PN in many ways. You have to be prepared for that.

Good luck and stay true to yourself

[Fidelia]

When I am experiencing some emotion (sadness, fear, joy, whatever) and I identify why, here's what I do:

Find a quiet spot. Get comfortable. Breathe. Consciously give myself permission to be honest. Ask myself why I'm feeling ___, and then wait patiently for the answer. This almost never fails for me.

Good luck to you.