the beginnings of a breakup...

T

thesavageprincess

New member
I am a 29-year old female. My bf and I have been dating for almost two years. Back in July, we moved Lenore in.

Mistake 1, he did the majority of the talking to her.
Mistake 2, he asked her to move in without discussing it with me!
Mistake 3, I was not attracted to her.

Now the problem is she wants out. At this point the reasons do not matter. Bottom line, she does not want to be in this type of relationship anymore. Now my thinking is, "That's fine. I'm not going to force you to stay. I never wanted you to leave. It's your choice. You're quitting, you don't get the benefits of a relationship. He is committed to me, so, no sex."

Am I right for wanting this? Are my feelings valid?

I need some advice here. I don't know what to do or say to them in this situation. My bf says that he can not to commit to that request of no sex.
 
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Give the regular posters time to get out of bed. ;) You posted this early this morning, on a Saturday, so some of those on the West Coast were just crawling into bed after a Friday night out.

Feelings are always valid. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that others will listen or agree with what those feelings are. Keep talking to him about it. However, you might want to give it a break once in a while, and just enjoy each other, have some fun times, too.
 
You never have to have sex if you don't want to. It's your body. I don't think that there's much to do except wait for her to go, and then reestablish a relationship with your boyfriend.

I hope that he will talk to you before making any life-changing decisions again. I think it's a blessing in disguise, since you didn't seem too keen on the arrangement in the first place.
 
Jodi, I read this as she doesn't want him to keep sleeping with the gf after she moves out, and her bf is saying he can't abide by that.

About a year ago, Wendigo wrote us a letter stating that he needed to focus on Pretty Lady, and that he and she thought my relationship with Wolf might need more attention, as well. He made it clear that they weren't breaking up with us, but that he thought it might be best if we only had sex when the four of us were together until things were on track again in our primary relationships. This was extremely difficult for me as I wanted to respect his/her/their wishes, but have always had a hard time controlling how my body reacts to his very presence. Ultimately, this lasted about a month and a half, but I was proud of myself because I let him be the one to approach me about going back to being intimate without out everyone there.

So, Savageprincess, my two cents is that if he really loves you and is committed to you, he'll respect your wishes, no matter how much he wants to have sex with her. But you will need to understand that this is hard for him.

The question I have is, does he see this as a break-up of their relationship, or just a change in where they are living?
 
Hey, Savageprincess. Maybe I'm not reading this clearly. Are you trying to say that unless you all live together there can't be any relationship or sex? Is that correct?

It seem like a control thing, to me.

Many people can't live together and get along properly. It's especially hard as the numbers grow from two to three or more. The more people there are, the more difficult it is.

But that should have nothing to do with the relationships involved. Some relationships will just always thrive better when there's more space and privacy. It doesn't seem (if I read correctly) that it's your call how the relationship flows, just because you can't all exist under one roof.

Did I miss anything?
 
Okay, here is the situation. Lenore came here for John, but he assured me that we would all get along, and it would work. John and I had agreed that we would find someone that we both could "enjoy." Everything was fine, or so I thought.

But Lenore is not attracted to me, ultimately, because of my weight. She has only stayed here for as long as she has because she does not want to hurt John.

Sex has been separate as of late. I did not want a polygamy-type relationship. I wanted a gf to cuddle with, kiss and be intimate with. But Lenore doesn't want me that way. I feel like it is unfair that John gets to reap the benefits of a relationship that we had originally talked about in the beginning.

BTW, John and I have had relationships with other women, all of whom showed me affection. Except for Lenore. She recently stated she doesn't want to be in a relationship with two people, and would rather continue her future in a monogamous relationship with a man.

I could tell she was a bisexual that favored men more. I like being with men and women equally, and have had monogamous relationships with both.

So my thinking is, if she wants out, why would she think it's okay, or that I would be okay with the fact that they could have sex while I'm working 11pm-7am? She is not committing to him, I am. I'm the one who is staying. I want this relationship, not her. So I feel that I should have that right to say no, they can't have sex without me.
 
thesavageprincess said:
John and I had agreed that we would find someone that we both could "enjoy."
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Sounds like a sex toy.

Everything was fine, or so I thought. Lenore ultimately is not attracted to me because of my weight. She has only stayed here for as long as she has because she does not want to hurt John.
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So, it's fine for you that she was compromising herself by having sex with you when she didn't want to?

I feel like it is unfair that he gets to reap the benefits of a relationship that we had originally talked about in the beginning.
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Unfair that your toy has feelings?

So my thinking is, if she wants out, why would she think it was okay, or that I would be okay with the fact that they could have sex while I'm working 11pm-7am? She is not committing to him; I am.
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It seems to me that she is committed to him, but not to you, nor to living together. She is an individual with needs and wants, and apparently she wants to continue her relationship with John, just not to live together or be with you sexually. If you found another lover, would that make it easier to deal with John having a relationship with Lenore outside of the living arrangement you had? Or is it that you just want someone to be a sex toy for you two to play with, and not have feelings, or any say about it, or how she is treated?

I'm the one who is staying. I want this relationship, not her. So I feel that I should have that right to say no, they can't have sex without me.
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Well, you all have a right to speak up and express your thoughts and feelings on it, but it would seem to me that a different dynamic would work better for all of you. What you had set up and expected doesn't seem healthy.
 
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1489
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2349
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=887
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3421
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858&highlight=lessons

Here are some threads on moving someone in, among other things. Admittedly, they are mostly from my tribe, as we have just been through all this. But hope it helps. There are lots more, if you do a search.

It doesn't seem to work for to just randomly move someone in. It doubly doesn't seem to work to expect your partner to just love and find attractive the same person that you do. Double whammy.

I'm not sure where your voice was in all of this. It sounds like you (plural) were looking for a unicorn and John has all the control, a bit like polygamy or a one-penis policy (OPP). Great, if you're into that. But it doesn't sound like you are. So speak up. Tell John and Lenore that she has to go, and that they can conduct a relationship outside of your home. Balance all your terms, not just theirs.

I suggest that you find your own partners in the future, and leave John to find his. People are not pets. While it's really nice that you think you can take care of people, and that they will just slide right in and be willing to be taken care of, they eventually have their own thoughts on what they want out of life. Really, it shouldn't be that big of a surprise. They have a right to what they need.

It sounds like you all have some discussing to do and changes to make. Good luck with that. Hopefully more reading here will help.
 
Look. John is my fiancé. Lenore would never ask John to leave me, nor would he ever. He said, no matter what, in the end, it's me and him. I'm protecting my relationship. I have every right to.

And no, Lenore is not committed to John. If she were, she would not have the option to leave in her mind. She wants to leave. She does not want to continue a relationship with John after she has moved. She wants out. She does not want to have to share her significant other with another woman. So why would I continue on wanting to share my man with her?
 
thesavageprincess said:
John is my fiancé. Lenore would never ask John to leave me, nor would he ever. He said, no matter what, in the end, it's me and him. I'm protecting my relationship. I have every right to. And no, Lenore is not committed to John. If she were, she would not have the option to leave in her mind. She wants to leave. She does not want to continue a relationship with him after she has moved. She wants out. She does not want to have to share her significant other with another woman. So why would I continue on wanting to share my man with her?
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Okay, time to say good bye. Lenore could be a cowgirl, i.e., wanting to take your man away from you so she can have him all to herself.

The effort might be in convincing John of this. He undoubtedly will miss the sex, but he is getting that elsewhere, so what's the biggie? Or does he love her?

I still suggest that you read the threads I linked, as they might help next time John decides to move a lover in. His doing that has had an effect on you. It seems to have depleted your sense of worth and your confidence that you are an appealing person to others. Why? Because he didn't consider you in his ideas about what he wants. He didn't respect your position in your dynamic. Not good ethics, if you ask me. Take a read and see what you think. If you don't agree, then so be it. Everyone has a right to their opinions and thoughts on the matter.
 
thesavageprincess said:
She wants to leave. She does not want to continue a relationship with him after she has moved.
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Hmm, that wasn't clear before. And it still not clear to me now. Sorry. She doesn't want to continue with either of you after moving out? Then why did you ask if it's okay for you to insist they not have sex without you? Who wants to have sex together without you?

"Sharing your man with another" -- are you poly or not? It doesn't always have to be a live-in arrangement. Why can't both you and your fiance have other relationships? Or is it that you are more into swinging than polyamory? It still sounds to me like you treated her like a toy.

Am I missing something?
 
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thesavageprincess said:
She wants to leave. She does not want to continue a relationship after she has moved. She wants out. She does not want to have to share her significant other with another woman. So y would I continue on wanting to share my man with her.
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If she wants to break up and they're breaking up, then why would they BE having sex? She wants out, you just SAID so. Why are you so fixated on "sharing your man with her"? You seem to be talking out of both sides of your mouth.
 
Thanks for the threads. I bookmarked them so when I work tonight I have something to keep my mind off the fact they will be alone together and quite possibly, most likely, be having sex. I hope this is not the case.

And no, this isn't just about sex. And yes, he loves her, which is making this all so hard.

Today they were cuddling on the floor in the living room and I got upset. He told me to calm down. Wtf? Idk, but if you were any type of good man, you would stand behind your future wife, be asking all sorts of questions, and wanting a discussion on where to take the next step. I'm in limbo and have no idea what to say.
 
thesavageprincess said:
Thanks for the threads, I bookmarked them so when I work tonight I have something to keep my mind off the fact they will be alone together and quite possibly most likely be having sex. I hope this is not the case. And no this isn't just about sex. And yes he loves her which is making this all so hard. Today they were cuddling on the floor in the living room and I got upset. He told me to calm down. Wtf. Idk but if you were any type of good man you would stand behind your future wife and be asking all sorts of questions and wanting a discussion on where to take the next step. I'm in limbo and have no idea what to say.
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So are they breaking up or aren't they? You say "she wants out". Obviously her actions say otherwise.

This is fucked up and I'm not sure what to make of it, so far.

It would be super-grooovy if the other two people were here to give their sides of the story because something doesn't jibe.
 
We want a triad, okay? We don't want to be open, with him dating one woman, and me dating another woman. I'm not comfortable with that. I want to be there when my future husband is touching another woman. That's what I wanted in the first place.

THIS IS NOT WHAT SHE WANTS.
 
thesavageprincess said:
We want a triad, okay? And we don't want to be open, with him dating one woman and me dating another woman. I'm not comfortable with that. I want to be there when my future husband is touching another woman. THIS IS NOT WHAT SHE WANTS.
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Well apparently, you didn't want it with her, either. Your first post stated that he moved her in without asking you first. Then you stated:
thesavageprincess said:
I was not attracted to her.
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Perhaps your fiance fell in love with her, but it seems that you expected her to be your sex toy, even though you were not attracted to her, and she was not attracted to you. Now you're mad at them. Why did you go along with it? Obviously, your fiance has problems respecting you and communicating with you, but you are also being a bit unrealistic. If you do a search for "triad" here, you will read lots about how they work. The people involved do not always feel the same way toward each other, and it seems difficult -- or impossible -- to expect that.
 
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Like I said, mistakes were made. Not wanting to hurt anyone, I left it alone.

I grew to like her and care for her. But after she told me she didn't feel the same, I didn't know what to think. A few months passed.

I was getting sexually aggravated. John and I have been having less sex with each other. We all share a bed, so it's virtually impossible to get some action when the other is not in the mood. She has never been able to get turned on around me, which is fine. I'm not pissed about that. I just never had this problem with our past lovers. We all got along, loved having sex, never judged. I miss that. I never had to struggle so much with one person. To get her to talk about the issues in our relationship is like pulling teeth.
 
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