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Old 09-01-2009, 09:49 PM
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sweetlivvie sweetlivvie is offline
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Default more than a little disappointed :(

I'm going to try my best to make this short and readable

Okay, so since my last post we've gone from "should we? shouldn't we?" to "okay, we're doing this." None of us is really sure exactly what to do, it's still so new, but we agree that it's something each of us wants. I can't tell you how ecstatic I am about this! I just want to tell every person that I meet, lol. There is a small thing that's come up recently that hurt me a little bit, though. I'm not sure how to deal with it, or if I even should deal with it or just let it go.

There is a bit of a physical distance between us that makes it hard to see them as often as I'd like. They live about 15 minutes from each other, but about 45 minutes from me. For this reason, they see each other quite often, whereas I see them maybe once a week. It honestly doesn't bother me at all that they spend time together, I think that's awesome! But I do wish that I could spend more time with them. We talk every day, and they always let me know how much they miss me and wish I was there with them, but it's still hard

I guess my problem is that we *always* have to go over to his house and I can't afford to drive up there any more than I am. I have to put $10 of gas in my tank to make it up there and back. I figured it up and realized that I've spent over $300 on gas alone to go see him. It's not even a money issue for me though, it's just that he hasn't driven down here once. My parents want to know why they've never met two of my closest friends, and they've started to make assumptions about him by the fact that he won't come see me (he's cheap...he's lazy...he expects me to come to him...he doesn't want to meet them...etc.) It's not about money though, or not wanting to make the effort. I know the real reason, and it's one that I can't explain to them. It's because I live at home still and he knows that if we hang out here we can't have sex. This isn't to say that I think he only wants me for sex, but I think because we have such a limited amount of time together he wants to take advantage of the time we have.

Well the other day, she and I were talking about how much fun it would be to go to the drive-in, which is about 5 minutes from me. So I suggested that they come over here and hang out for a while and then stay the night after the movie (since the last movie wouldn't be done until about 3am) She loved the idea, so we introduced it to him and he said it sounded fun too. I asked my parents, they said it was fine providing he sleep on the couch. My parents were really excited that they would get to meet them. Then last night, he decided that he thought it would be better if we skipped the movies and stayed the night at his place instead and I could tell my parents I was staying the night at her house. (sounds so jr. high, I know) I tried to hide my disappointment and told him I'd see if I could. I'm really disappointed on many levels. Mostly because it makes me feel like hanging out together is only worth it if we're having sex. I don't know how to bring it up with them. Am I overreacting? Should I just suck it up? I can see where he's coming from, but it still hurts me.


And for the record, I say "they" and "them" a lot, but it's mostly him. She seems perfectly happy to come see me, and to hang out without having sex, but he is always included when she and I hang out, so it's still pretty much his decision.
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Old 09-01-2009, 10:21 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Without his side and hearing only what you have to say, I'd feel as if he were in it for the sex as well. Hanging out, whether as couples or in a triad, should be about more than just having an available space to have sex. Right now, it seems as though that's what he's most focused on.

If the three of you have already made plans to do the drive in and sleepover at your house, then why not do it-with or without him. I'm not trying to say cause drama or not include him, but why should he have the ultimate veto on a group decision? If she still wants to do this, then do it. And let him know he is not only welcome, but you'd both love for him to come. If he doesn't, he excludes himself and that's his own decision. Don't let the relationship start off with one person calling all the shots and one person sacrificing more than others. If it bothers you now, think how much harder it will get as time goes on if this pattern continues.
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Old 09-01-2009, 10:44 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Exclamation Red flag warning

So he agreed to a movie and stay-over at your parents' house, but now wants to back out when you've already discussed it with your folks?

I can completely get why the two of them would be uncomfortable sleeping over at your parents' (there's no way I would even consider it myself) but your SOs did know you live with the parental units when they got involved with you, right? If that's news to him/them, that's one thing. But if it's been known all along, then did he/they think they could totally avoid interaction with your family? That would be an unrealistic expectation, IMO, and avoiding the meeting makes him/them look hinky.

But what's putting up the red flag for me is agreeing to the date, and now saying no. Did something change? Does he feel uncomfortable about meeting your ppl? Are there deeper issues here that need addressing? Or is he just unwilling to be inconvenienced and potentially have to forego sex for one night in order to make you happy and reassure your parents?

My advice to you, Sweet Sister, is to trust your gut. Find out what's really on with him/them, and then follow your heart.

Or else just go on the date night with your gf without him.
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Old 09-02-2009, 01:53 AM
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sweetlivvie sweetlivvie is offline
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Yes, he knew that I live with my parents. It's not that I desperately want them to stay over, I can understand how that would be uncomfortable (I really only suggested it because I worry about them driving back so late) I'm sad that he won't meet my parents though. I go out and help him on his parents' farm. We've even had a couple of game nights with his parents.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
But what's putting up the red flag for me is agreeing to the date, and now saying no. Did something change? Does he feel uncomfortable about meeting your ppl? Are there deeper issues here that need addressing? Or is he just unwilling to be inconvenienced and potentially have to forego sex for one night in order to make you happy and reassure your parents?
Although I think part of it could be nervousness about meeting my people, I really feel like it's mostly about wanting to have sex. I think I should clarify though: he and I have spent a lot of time together, not having sex. I know that's not all I am to him. I think it's the newness of the threesome that's influencing this. When we're all together, he really wants it. As for what changed his mind...I think it could have something to do with our conversation online yesterday afternoon. We were all using our webcams, lol, and things got a bit hot and heavy. I think that got the wheels turning, ya know. Although I don't think it's really a good excuse. You're right, I feel like he should be able to forego sex for a night. If he would just occasionally come here, I think I'd feel less like I was the one making all the compromises here. And just meeting him once would put my parents at ease. As far as they know, I could have made him up, lol.

XYZ, I think you're right too...
Quote:
Don't let the relationship start off with one person calling all the shots and one person sacrificing more than others. If it bothers you now, think how much harder it will get as time goes on if this pattern continues.
I don't want to start complaining so early in this new relationship, but on the other hand, I feel like I should be honest with them about how I feel. It's all about communication, right?
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Old 09-02-2009, 05:30 AM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Quote:
I don't want to start complaining so early in this new relationship, but on the other hand, I feel like I should be honest with them about how I feel. It's all about communication, right?
It's not complaining. It is informing him/them of how you feel. Yes, it is all about open and honest communication. You don't even have to think of it as "confronting" him about it. Just talk to him. Say "Hey, what's up? Kinda worried/wondering about why you don't seem to want to come meet the parents...etc." And take it from there. Make sure he understands what it is that you are seeing, how you see events that have happened and how it makes you feel.

Good luck!
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Old 09-03-2009, 04:00 AM
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sweetlivvie sweetlivvie is offline
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Red face

*sigh* <3 Did I mention how much I love these two?


The last couple of days, when I logged onto my computer, I found messages from her telling me that she loves me and hopes I have a great day. I almost cried the first time, it meant so much to me. That helped me feel a lot better. Then tonight I talked to him about how I was feeling, and he seemed to really understand. This was our conversation...


Me: I feel...sad? that you still haven't met my family and don't seem interested in doing so

J: Livvy, hun, I have every interest in meeting your family. I feel sad that I haven't met them either. I still want to, very much so. I just don't let that decide my relationship with you. I've heard about relationship problems when someone focuses more on the family (their own and their partner's, both biological and social) than on the person

Me: no, of course not. that's not what I'm saying...I don't know how to explain it

J: I understand Livvy. You want me to share in your life, not be something seperate.

Me: yes! that's exactly it

J: Bam! I'm psychic.

Me: lol. you mean so much to me. both of you do.

J: We love you Livvy

Me: I know. it's overwhelming sometimes to realize how loved I am, but in a good way. And I love you too...both of you



Not very long, lol, I know. But I feel a million times better about the situation. I think it also got to the root of the problem, which was not really about changing our date plans, but about the way I felt that he didn't want to meet my family and by extension didn't really want to be a part of my life. Now that I realize that's not the case, I feel like I can breathe a lot easier. Thank you guys, for all the advice and support
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Old 09-03-2009, 03:17 PM
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River River is offline
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Sweetlivvie,

That's a great story. It's fascinating to me that oftentimes we don't really know why we want X (such as the desire to have them meet your family), and we have to do a little peeling to get at what we want which is sort of hidden under X. And sometimes there's some other desire hidden just under that second layer -- a third layer!

Sometimes it really helps to talk with others in order to have their help in discovering the burried layers we haven't brought into clear, conscious awareness. But with practice, and quiet time with ourselves, we can learn how to uncover "layers" even when we're alone. I think it is always good to know what we really want, and why. Or at least not to be out of touch with the hidden "layers" of desire.
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Old 09-03-2009, 06:07 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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That's a really sweet conversation. And I'm glad you were able to open up to him and tell him how you feel and what your want.

I notice that he's saying he wants to meet your parents. Am I missing the part where he says why he hasn't yet and isn't making plans to? I get it that he doesn't want it to decide the relationship between the two of you. But I don't understand what the obstacle is. If he wants to meets your folks, they want to meet him, and you give the meeting the go-ahead, why isn't it happening? I mean, with so many green lights, why is there no forward movement?

Am I missing something, or are there perhaps more layers to uncover?
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Old 09-03-2009, 11:38 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
That's a really sweet conversation. And I'm glad you were able to open up to him and tell him how you feel and what your want.

I notice that he's saying he wants to meet your parents. Am I missing the part where he says why he hasn't yet and isn't making plans to? I get it that he doesn't want it to decide the relationship between the two of you. But I don't understand what the obstacle is. If he wants to meets your folks, they want to meet him, and you give the meeting the go-ahead, why isn't it happening? I mean, with so many green lights, why is there no forward movement?

Am I missing something, or are there perhaps more layers to uncover?
What she said.
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Old 09-05-2009, 09:01 PM
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sweetlivvie sweetlivvie is offline
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More layers indeed...

We ended up staying the night at his house last night. I do have to admit, last night/this morning was the most amazing time we've had together so far. After he went to sleep, she and I still weren't tired so we went out for doughnuts then came home and played video games together for a while. It was an awesome chance for us to bond Then all of us waking up this morning in each other's arms...it was beautiful and sweet.

I didn't have much of a chance to talk to him about this though. We had a few moments alone this morning and I asked him when he thought he would be able to come down and meet them. He said "soon, love. Hopefully very soon." I asked if he thought maybe he could next weekend and he said "we'll see, maybe." That's not very encouraging to me, but I guess that's all I'm going to get for now. On the one hand, this is something that is very important to me. On the other hand, I am so deeply in love with both of them that it's ridiculous, and I truly enjoy every second I spend with them. It's not important enough to me to press this issue to the point of upsetting anyone.

So anyway, that's where I'm at right now.
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