We walked in, with common purpose and intent, and sat across from each other in the ER waiting room for just a minute, maybe not even that long, before I asked Catfish if he wanted a cup of coffee.
As I suspected, he did in fact desire such a thing. I left to go find us some, somewhere on the lower level of the hospital. When I came back, he had already been permitted back to Rarechild's room. When I inquired at the reception desk, two simple black coffees hot in hand, the nurses directed me back as well, with curious smiles.
Alls I know is, I have never seen such a deliriously happy woman in the emergency room.
But what I want to say is this:
I have spent my life looking up to those male role models who were solid, intelligent, strong, loyal, generous, and kind. There have been many. But never in my life have I ever felt like so much a Man as sitting across from Catfish, for one brief minute, shamelessly and silently sharing honestly with him the solidarity of loving the same Woman. It is one thing to for a son to worry with his mother about his father, her husband; supportive, but the love is held differently. It was quite another thing altogether, ladies and gentlemen, to know fully and openly that the worry furrowed in another Man's brow was wrinkled out of the same character of love, intimacy, passion, admiration, respect, commitment, and loyalty as my own. I have never know such sharing, with or without words.
Catfish, dammit, I love ya. We both know the score: We must do the rebuilding of ourselves with our own two hands, time and again. But I will be here on the ground, waiting patiently, and generously handing you your own bricks to lay down again. Just like you have done for me, just like you ARE doing for me, just like you will do for me again and again.
I don't know much, but I know that.
You are my family, and I am in awe of you at every turn, at every evolution of yourself.
So, I offer you this:
All the Labor (The Gourds, "Dem's Good Beeble")
All the labor landed in the sod
where the digger cried "it's my calling, sir
and it is no mistake
that I put you in the ground so well
and if they pay me well that's great
it's just gravy, I'd do it anyway"
All the labor stood up and shouted
"I'll wait for you fun lovin' Minever Cheevy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miniver_Cheevy
with all yer drunken delusions
I am a sensational place
of camaraderie and pleasure
won't you stand with me
in your garden once more"
All the labor although it be brick on brick
stitch on stitch and earn to urn
a presence on the lift
what this great ole nation was built on boy
outlives the package everyday mama mama everyday
That moment will never leave me, all of us wide open together for the first time and so aware of our fortune, letting it all in with grateful awe.
There is so much more.
I love you both immensely and to the end.
"Rocks will open and make a way for the lover."
~Hazrat Inayat Khan
I love Catfish and Charlie.
Good things & Bad things
Nov. 30th, 2010
Good things mostly start on the edge of sorrow.
Where one leaves that shore of despair,
and knows it is better for the rocking sea,
that body is bound for ecstasy.
Our feet leave the soggy bottom
and we defy the spin of the Earth,
then clamber into our makeshift vessel.
It will carry us.
It will carry us, we know, because it is made
of calloused flesh and wrought iron
and decorated with a baker's dozen broken hearts.
It is familiar because we built it long ago,
cobbled together by a younger self.
Fear not child...your boat will float.
January 8th, 2011
Bad things happen mostly on the edge of happiness.
Where one leaves that shore of ecstasy,
and knows not what storms swell,
a body is bound to rise through Hell.
Our compass spins out from North
and our feet touch back down to Earth,
slamming our vessel against the rocky shores.
It will care for us.
It will care for us, we know, because it is made
of mild steel and bruised flesh
and decorated with a baker's dozen broken dreams.
It is tattered now because we built it long ago,
assembled into shape by a more flexible self.
Fear not child...your hope will float.
Last edited by Charlie; 01-18-2011 at 04:24 AM.
Because I am selfish...
I want you to be strong so that you can help me lift heavy things.
I want you to succeed so that you will not bring me down with your failure.
I want you to make mistakes so that I can learn from them.
I want you to live a rich life so that the stories you tell will not be boring.
I want you to get bigger so that I will have room to grow too.
I want you to be yourself so that I will know the truth of you.
I want you to be free because you will know the sacredness of my freedom.
I want you to become Love because I am Love.
I want because I am selfish.
Everybody has an angle.
That you are loved well by me is in my best interests.
Last edited by Charlie; 01-25-2011 at 04:40 AM.
I am formidable.
To my daemons of unknown origin,
I am coming for you.
That you have boldly risen in my mind betrays your naivete, and your youthful exuberance shall be your final undoing. You and your kind have tested my patience for the last time.
You should know that I have come many times before in flesh and bone and slaughtered your arrogant brethren in the sacred name of Love. The element of surprise remains the only tactic left in your repertoire of spiritual warfare, after which I will cut you down like so many sheaths of brittle winter grass.
I am formidable. My lives have been spent in the pursuit of truth and my skills have been honed now to a hefty razor's edge that I can, at will, swing down in Thor's own image with surgical precision.
It will take me whole days to collect your scattered pieces to the fire.
There is no place for you to hide, should you be even wise enough to seek shelter, for I know the ways of all material things. With these ten dexterous digits, I can seek you out in stone, steel, and timber with fabulous efficiency and magical manifestation. These words serve only to clarify my singular intent.
You are not safe.
You will be shown no mercy and given no quarter. As the taste of Love waxes my lips, I have no time to hear your hollow poison pleas for understanding and acceptance of mediocrity. You shall be cast out forthwith.
You should regard my prior sacrifices as preparations for your eviction.
That I am invincible should be your only consideration.
This much I feel to be true...
Our lives were never meant to be unimaginative. Lazy from time to time, but never boring.
Thank you for feeling the same. We'll get more interesting things done more slowly this way.
Quality takes time.
Charlie, your words are amazing and so true. I cried reading them... feeling the love you have for RC and CF. I feel like my heart grew ten fold in the few minutes it took me to read these two pages. It's such a wonderful feeling, and I hope that your words reach many, including the two men in my life.
Thank you for sharing and posting.
Thank you, JenAgain, for your kind words. Funny, I started crying reading about your crying. Broke me open that much more.
Dang. Got me all weepy now.
Bless your heart.