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Old 08-31-2009, 07:01 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
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Originally Posted by lvfcs View Post
Perhaps it's just that I'm not cut out to this sort of relationship?

Upon re-reading the OP, THIS stands out the most.

I don't think it's YOU, hon, it's THEY who are not "cut out" for this lifestyle.
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Old 09-01-2009, 04:47 PM
lvfcs lvfcs is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 12
Default thank you all!

I really love you all right now I was reluctant at the beginning to post, but the support is unbelievable. I will try to get them to read some other post because each of us have to deal with different issues and seeing how other people deal with their own, gives you a bigger picture.

Sometimes you just need someone from the outside to tell you how it looks. Trying to solve all on your own not always works.

We all got to talk, express fears, desires, give support and understanding, and show that we all want the same at the end, but are only afraid. It was not a nice talk by far, but it it's helping us grow.

It's still the beginning, and there's still a long way ahead, but I would have been silently keeping it all inside if not for you all.

Now I have a new question. How to deal with shared times? Do schedules work? or they take away spontaneity?
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Old 09-01-2009, 04:52 PM
lvfcs lvfcs is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 12

Sure JRiver! ...my boyfriend and his wife... is way more clear! i forgot the multiple possibilties on polyamory, won't happen again
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Old 09-01-2009, 06:02 PM
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River River is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,897

Originally Posted by lvfcs View Post
Now I have a new question. How to deal with shared times? Do schedules work? or they take away spontaneity?
The ideal situation, as I see it, is where there seldom arises a need for scheduling togetherness time specifically in order to insure that all members of a couple, trupple, "V", or whatever, feel loved and appreciated and tended to. And I'm convinced that where there is genuine and equal shared love in a grouping that everything should fall together pretty unproblematically--easefully--in this regard.

I'm a part of a couple at the moment, and, of course, Kevin & I do schedule activities -- massage, camping, hiking -- with one another. But I know that he
very much likes to spend time with me; and he knows that I very much like to spend time with him -- so if he schedules a hike with a friend, I don't worry that he likes the friend more than me, or prefers time with that friend to time with me. And that's pretty much how it would be were we a tripple or truple instead of a couple, or if we were a "V", a triad or some other configuration.

Let us say that Kevin meets someone else and forms a loverly relationship with him or her, and they are spending a lot of time with one another. If that brings him joy, then I get to enjoy his joy, which enhances my capacity for joy. If ever I were to feel "left out" or neglected, that's when I'd have to examine whether I am in fact being left out or neglected -- or rather only having some "button" pushed, some trigger of an unhealed past hurt, maybe?

But I'm pretty sure that if Kevin had another loverly partner, I'd like that person a lot, and would trust him/her, and would feel as if I could talk with him/her about my experience of feeling neglected or left out. I could also talk with Kevin about it. And I'm pretty sure we'd work it out, somehow, so that everyone feels cared for and attended to. That's trust. I trust Kevin not to suddenly abandon me or run off and leave me in the dust. He trusts me in this way. So things pretty much go easily, whether or not either of us has another loverly partner. (We've had some brief experience of this with others.)

So I think that the real issues are seldom about quantities of time shared, per se. What Kevin & I have -- which is crucial -- is the KNOWLEDGE that we each love one another. That knowledge allows a depth of trust that allows us to see things in a different light than would be available without this KNOWLEDGE. Of course, like most people, we've both had our trust shaken to its knees by others whom we've trusted similarly, so, of course, we have the residue of that as part of the mix. But the KNOWLEDGE of our mutual love is larger in most moments of most days than the FEAR of re-injury (neglect, unloving, abandonment, etc.).

Now, this KNOWLEDGE is rooted in fact, not fantasy or wish. Those for whom this is not a fact cannot hope to come to this knowledge (not fantasy) -- and so cannot come to this kind of trust and what it allows. It allows us to love others without fear of abandonment, neglect, ... being left in the dust.
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