Mono females & poly lovers

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya

I have to second that this needs to be expanded to Mono's with poly lovers. I think that dabbling in both worlds has left me with the feeling that I am not fully accepted in either anymore.

That being said, I don't mind being in limbo...Mono and I have a party, it's great...but that being said I think the point has been made that we adapt, and I think it's very true.

Mono went through this transition (for want of a better term) also. I was completely used to being marginalized and on the edge of our culture, but was not at all. It was a huge deal for him. Our earlier posts reflect that time vividly. There were times he had a great deal of anger over it all. I don't know how he feels now. Only he can answer that for certain.

[sage]

Hey Indy
There's a few more of us out here who would party with you and Mono you don't need to be that marginalized. :-).

I think the reality is that even those of us identifying as mono are all slightly different and in a way polyamory has allowed us the freedom to explore and discover those differences. For instance Mono is mono all the way; while you, if I've read correctly would like to add another lover if one showed up. Even I would be open to it if someone who was a perfect fit into our life popped up, although I certainly aren't actively looking and I would be very careful because I'm enjoying this period of calm in my emotional life after the turbulence of adaptation.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Mono went through this transition (for want of a better term) also. I was completely used to being marginalized and on the edge of our culture, but was not at all. It was a huge deal for him. Our earlier posts reflect that time vividly. There were times he had a great deal of anger over it all. I don't know how he feels now. Only he can answer that for certain.

Here's a link to a thread I started which specifically details some of the struggles I have had around finding a place from a community aspect. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1408
Ultimately I was already seperated from my old community through self isolation, so not feeling connected either way is not particularly uncomfortable anymore. I enjoy our poly community but do not feel a true part of it. For example, we have a men's group similar to the women's group that RP started. I don't want to hang out with them because a lot of what they talk about is understandably related to being poly, opening up relationships, forming new connections etc, etc. I am mono and don't think the same way as they due on a very fundamental and prevelant topic of discussion. But I have never hung out in groups: the closest thing to this type of social gathering is with guys I ride with...and we only get together when we are riding; if bikes aren't involved we don't get together.

I can certainly be more of myself and enjoy family time more within the poly community. That is 100% true. The majority of the mono community (if aware) spends too much time questioning and not enough time just letting me enjoy their company and enjoying mine.

Being in between comunities creates a short list of people I am willing to confide in. If I need an outside perspective on my thoughts I go to my best friend..RP. I do often share on here but the only other person I really make myself vulnerable to is her husband.

For the most part I rely on myself. I still feel like a community of one but am happy in that.

[LovingRadiance]

GG is mono-very very mono, a lot like Mon.

He doesn't socialize in the poly group much. He pretty much limits any interest at all to Mon & RP.

He's a pretty open and social person in "real life" but he hasn't a lot to talk about in terms of polyamory, because there isn't anything about BEING poly that remotely interests him.

On the other hand, he gets a LOT of flack from people in the monogomous world who think he's just getting used.

So-he tends to just not talk about it at all.

For example, I went to his work xmas party with him. He introduced me as his girlfriend. But no explanation about the fact that I'm also happily married. I keep wondering what will happen if I see these people in public and I'm hanging on Maca's arm......

So far that hasn't happened, but the truth is-it's only a matter of time, it's not a very big place we live in.

[Seasnail]

I am right on the imaginary line between mono and poly. I opened up initially at my husband's request, thinking that he would find a girlfriend and I would learn to have her as a part of our family. Then I found a lover. Then the marriage fell apart.

Now... I love my lover, and I love his primary and their child. I don't know whether or not I'll find someone who will fit with this family of mine or not. I suspect that I would give up being a secondary lover for the opportunity of a long-term committed partner, if I had to. This is hard to say. I didn't expect to fall for the lover, much less the whole family dynamic, and there are so many benefits to having an OSO I never ever suspected.

I also find having more than one partner draining. When I was still with my husband, there was a lot of drama, but I think maybe it had to do with other issues. I've tried dating since. Maybe it's draining because they were a poor fit?

There was a shitload of pain involved with my growth and change process. I'm glad I decided to try it. I'd be open to other poly relationships, but very cautious about with whom and how they function. I'm not convinced that it is better or worse than a mono relationship.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Seasnail

I'm not convinced that it is better or worse than a mono relationship.

I'm absolutely not convinced.
I think relationships stand on their own.

Yes I'm poly-but it's not "a mono or poly".

It's a relationship with Maca.
A relationship with GG.
A relationship with the two of them (which is friends only).

If I was mono, I'd still have three relationships, only the one with GG would also be friends only.

ANY type of relationship requires work. In fact, I fear in the past I've put more work into my friendships than I have in my romantic relationships.
Which very well may explain why my friendships have lasted 20+ years, but my romantic relationships have not.

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

GG is mono-very very mono, a lot like Mon.

He doesn't socialize in the poly group much. He pretty much limits any interest at all to Mon & RP.

He's a pretty open and social person in "real life" but he hasn't a lot to talk about in terms of polyamory, because there isn't anything about BEING poly that remotely interests him.

On the other hand, he gets a LOT of flack from people in the monogomous world who think he's just getting used.

So-he tends to just not talk about it at all.

For example, I went to his work xmas party with him. He introduced me as his girlfriend. But no explanation about the fact that I'm also happily married. I keep wondering what will happen if I see these people in public and I'm hanging on Maca's arm......

So far that hasn't happened, but the truth is-it's only a matter of time, it's not a very big place we live in.

Getting a lot of flack from the monogamous world is what I have been dealing with via Kat and 2Rings. It is most frustrating to get to a certain level and then get pushed back because of outside pressures from closed-minded, hypocritically judgemental people in our lives-mostly their lives. The mono female in our situation, as most on here know, has struggled mightily. She is trying, very hard to be happy because she so loves 2Rings. However, lots of things have happened and I get so worried that negative input from the outside, traditionally mono world will set us back. Because my social group/s are a bit different and I have handled the outting a bit different with my loved ones -being very selective- I had not had to deal with any rejection...skepticism yes more about the possibility of successful poly relationships...but not complete rejection. So it is very hard to come across close loved ones in their lives that COMPLETELY reject the idea of me. It also makes me very anxious and resentful. My initial reaction is "shut those people out"...don't let them in our lives (his life). But, then I relaize their ignorance is because of perspective, misinformation and misplaced bias as to we have to pick sides. I need to let them get to know me for me. Not as a "homewrecker" and some kind of predator who has lured 2Rings into a relationship. So not the case! Since they do not know most of my love's sexual background, nor do they really know how our relationship developed they are not making informed decisions about me, or us.
It is tough.

I'm absolutely not convinced.
I think relationships stand on their own.

LR I totally agree with this! No difference in how the individual relationships work whether as a mono or poly.

[LovingRadiance]

No one in my family or Maca's has "rejected" us. They mostly think I'm crazy-but they always have, so it's all good.

GG's family has outright rejected us and they don't even KNOW we're poly. They only know that Maca and I's youngest child is biologically GG's. That was enough to send them over the roof-even though it was all consensual AND we offered to allow them to retain family relationships with her.

BUT-fuck 'em.

I love GG. I don't rightly give a damn what they think. If they loved him the way I do, they would accept him even though they don't understand him. I have to do that damn near to every day.

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

No one in my family or Maca's has "rejected" us. They mostly think I'm crazy-but they always have, so it's all good.

GG's family has outright rejected us and they don't even KNOW we're poly. They only know that Maca and I's youngest child is biologically GG's. That was enough to send them over the roof-even though it was all consensual AND we offered to allow them to retain family relationships with her.

BUT-fuck 'em.

I love GG. I don't rightly give a damn what they think. If they loved him the way I do, they would accept him even though they don't understand him. I have to do that damn near to every day.

LOL! You sound like 2Rings. He says, "I want their acceptance, but I don't need it." I so appreciate that no matter what anyone else thinks or opines about us, he is determined to make it work because I make him happy, and KT makes him happy, and no one else really matters in that sense. He is a determined, unwavering fella. And always makes me laugh and feel better about the future. His optimism is energizing.
And so is your's LR!

[LovingRadiance]

Thanks.
I love Maca, I love GG. I didn't plan it that way, but I do and I'm good at it.
So-
fuck 'em.