emotional deadlock

[polyexplorer]

Hi Robin,

I really appreciate your awareness around the confused communication...

I am in a situation where my wife has been struggling with the concept of poly and one minute she expresses that she wants me to be in another relationship and the next minute her emotions show me that she is not coping. She struggles to be honest and open about her needs and desires. This does make things more difficult for everyone...

However, the other person involved who I have a deep connection with cannot pursue that connection when she knows my wife is hurting as a result. Even if I wanted to pursue the connection, she wouldn't. I admire this in her and I know my wife feels supported by her (sometimes more supported by her than by me!! - but I'm working on that one!!)

I appreciate that you want this to work and that is good... Let it take whatever time it takes. While each involved still has hope, there is hope! Trust the timing that it will be the right timing...

[erithacus]

Originally Posted by polyexplorer

Hi Robin,
I really appreciate your awareness around the confused communication...

Thank you. It has taken us some time to see this and the role it has played and is playing. But we do have a handle on where exactly things are going wrong, now, and I'm glad for that.

Originally Posted by polyexplorer

I am in a situation where my wife has been struggling with the concept of poly and one minute she expresses that she wants me to be in another relationship and the next minute her emotions show me that she is not coping. She struggles to be honest and open about her needs and desires. This does make things more difficult for everyone...

In what context do you use the word "honest" here? I have been accused of not being "honest" and while I may not have known my exact thoughts and deepest feelings at the moment, that does not mean that I was dishonest if, at a later time, I get a better picture of myself.

It sounds like your wife has the same thing as I do: rationally she agrees but emotionally she isn't ready yet. There's two different levels of communication. Is that true? How do you handle that?

Originally Posted by polyexplorer

However, the other person involved who I have a deep connection with cannot pursue that connection when she knows my wife is hurting as a result. Even if I wanted to pursue the connection, she wouldn't. I admire this in her and I know my wife feels supported by her (sometimes more supported by her than by me!! - but I'm working on that one!!)

Yes, that's admirable indeed! And more likely to get the three of you anywhere then when she would be indifferent to your wife's needs.

I recognize some of your wife's feelings of sometimes being more supported by her then by you. It's hard to feel supported by someone who wants to do something that is scaring or hurting you. Some people in my social circle say that that in itself is not supportive. But I disagree. While it is not _protective_, it can be supportive. It's a delicate balance. When you protect someone too much, you aren't getting anywhere, but when you're pushing them too hard or too fast, you aren't getting anywhere either.

If J would say: "Hey, I can see this is hard for you, let's stop." I'd feel better, because I would feel safe. For now. But it's not a viable long-term solution to anything. So I'm not upset because this is happening (I know I need a good kick in the @(*&* now and then) but I'm upset because it is happening too fast. Or I should say: has been happening. We're definitely on a track where we can go at slower pace. That alone is making me feel much better already.

Originally Posted by polyexplorer

I appreciate that you want this to work and that is good... Let it take whatever time it takes. While each involved still has hope, there is hope! Trust the timing that it will be the right timing...

Yeah, trust and timing: key words of 2011

Regards,

Robin

[Rachelina]

Originally Posted by erithacus

It sounds like your wife has the same thing as I do: rationally she agrees but emotionally she isn't ready yet. There's two different levels of communication. Is that true? How do you handle that?

I was also in this position when I first joined this forum: rationally I believed that accepting my husband's girlfriend was the right thing to do, but emotionally I couldn't handle it. Over several months things have slowly changed and now I do accept it emotionally (though I still do get occasional attacks of jealousy). Some of the things that helped me were: lots and lots of talking about it, getting to know his girlfriend and seeing that she is not a threat, spending a lot of time reading on this forum, and a lot of introspection on my part (i.e. facing my own insecurities). But the most important thing was just giving it time. It's such a radical change that you can't accept it overnight but I think if you do the necessary work AND give it plenty of time, then there's a good chance that you will accept it eventually.

My advice to your wife would be to give you lots of love, gratitude and reassurance. When I saw that my husband having this girlfriend was making our marriage better rather than worse, it made it a lot easier to accept her. Best wishes to you both!

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by polyexplorer

However, the other person involved who I have a deep connection with cannot pursue that connection when she knows my wife is hurting as a result. Even if I wanted to pursue the connection, she wouldn't. I admire this in her and I know my wife feels supported by her (sometimes more supported by her than by me!! - but I'm working on that one!!)

..

I love hearing about this type of concern in potential new partners. It is this kind of extended consideration to your wife that could possibly carry over to make her an excellent metamour for your wife. Hats off to her!

[redpepper]

Really good stuff! I really love reading peoples process in poly when its about consideration/empathy for others, respect, attempts at bettering communication. Really good foundations being establishedit seems. The makings of a great relationship dynamic I think. Thanks for including us in that by making yourself vulnerable and talking about it here.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by erithacus

But then again, I haven't been communicating my needs too well, and if even Joyce failed to read between the lines, I can't really expect him to manage that. Or can I?

Nope, you can't.

But-not "just because".

The reason is that it's unrealistic in any situation to EXPECT someone to manage to read your mind. Sometimes a person will manage it-but expecting it is setting yourself and the other person up for a failure.

The key to ensuring that "miscommunication" is kept to a minimum, is ensuring that you clearly and succinctly state what you need, what you feel, what you are trying to express.
Sometimes that is a pain in the ass. I'm not unaware of that one! I think we ALL fail at times.
Sometimes I WANT one or the other of the guys to just KNOW what I'm feeling. After 18 years with one and 13 with the other "damn it-can't you just KNOW me?!?!?!"

But the truth is-that we're each individuals and sometimes we can see what the other needs without being told, sometimes we don't.

Hugs-you sound like you are reallly working on yourself-that's awesome! (all of you).

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

Nope, you can't.

But-not "just because".

The reason is that it's unrealistic in any situation to EXPECT someone to manage to read your mind. Sometimes a person will manage it-but expecting it is setting yourself and the other person up for a failure.

The key to ensuring that "miscommunication" is kept to a minimum, is ensuring that you clearly and succinctly state what you need, what you feel, what you are trying to express.
Sometimes that is a pain in the ass. I'm not unaware of that one! I think we ALL fail at times.
Sometimes I WANT one or the other of the guys to just KNOW what I'm feeling. After 18 years with one and 13 with the other "damn it-can't you just KNOW me?!?!?!"

But the truth is-that we're each individuals and sometimes we can see what the other needs without being told, sometimes we don't.

Hugs-you sound like you are reallly working on yourself-that's awesome! (all of you).

the problem is that we all have our own shit to navigate through... expecting others to understand every subtle nuance is just not realistic. I barely know myself let alone others... if a person tells me about themselves every time they learn something new then I have a better chance at guessing. I still need their prompts though really. I am never going to get it entirely... I like to tell people exactly what I require to feel like my needs are met, the moment I know myself. I say it with humour and with the understanding all around that if they can't give me what I require then I have to be okay with that... in turn I give what I can too, when I am told what that is. A lot of the time people are passive about asking. I don't do well with that. I do much better with someone saying, "RP, please do this for me so that I can feel this?" Then I can either get on it or tell them that I will be able to next week, or I can do it now and then do it, or that I can't do that for them and why... if I know why that is... otherwise I will buy some time and get back to them. I find this works really well to feeling satisfied in life. When people don't tell me how they feel and what they require to get their needs met then I don't sweat it and leave it in their court. I figure that they can learn by example, because I will be requesting of them soon enough.

[polyexplorer]

Thanks Robin for your comments...

You make a really good point about honesty. I hadn't thought of it this way. You are right, you are being honest - as honest as you can with what you know of yourself at that time. My wife is the same. She is being as honest as she can with what she knows of herself at that time...

It is not easy coping with a situation where you rationally agree but emotionally struggle. Being open about your feelings is helpful. I want to know how my wife feels, but I also don't want her to necessarily project her feelings on to me to fix it. For example, I'm feeling jealous so you have to do something to fix it. Being open about how you are feeling is important and then discussing the implications of what this means and what you need in all of this.

Also, as has been mentioned many times, time does amazing things too...

Thanks too Mono for your words. I agree that the kind of consideration that has been shown has been inspiring to me too...