Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 01-10-2011, 09:37 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 104
Default

All of this is wonderful advise. I do try to be sure that I am open and honest about my feelings and anything that I see that might be a problem. I also try to make sure that all of the good aspects are pointed out. My H is more of a I feel what I feel don't know how to put it in words. He has been doing good though. He loves me and is afraid more than anything that something he will do will upset me. I can't imagine much that could upset me but I am sure we will find it along the way.

We have both talked to her about whether or not it is a love or lust thing on her end. She has told us both that she loves him so much it scares her. I just need to learn to trust her as much as I do him. She is a very emotional person and has a tendency to read into things. We have discussed this a few times and she is much better at coming to us when she starts feeling bad about something. I wish I could hear from others that have been through what she is going through. I have never been in a relationship with a married man before. Well as far as I know anyway lol.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01-11-2011, 02:46 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,636
Default

I suggest you do some reading on here on "secondaries." There are some really good threads if you do a search. You can look in the stickies and do a tag search. A lot of secondaries in this woman's position have written here.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-12-2011, 07:13 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 104
Default

I have been reading up on "secondaries" and I am understanding a little more what she is going through. Sometimes I feel a little off about HGF. She is a very needy person. If he doesn't talk to her for several hours everyday on cam then he must not be interested anymore. My H hates small talk and every time he tries to talk about something meaningful she changes the subject. She doesn't appear to want to hang out with him. When they do get together it feels to him that she is more about the sex and less about him. H was in a 4 year relationship before we met with a girl who stayed with him for the sex. She blindsided him in the end by telling him that's why she stayed with him. He loved her and it broke him. He doesn't want to go through that again. I asked him if he has told her how he feels. He said he isn't sure how to bring it up. I gave him a few suggestions and left it at that. I have a tendency of trying to fix things between them because I like her and love him. This is a conversation that I don't feel I should get involved in. No matter how much I may want to. I started acting like a buffer when she told me having another girl in the relationship made it nicer because we know how to talk to each other better. I really feel if they are both (her too) open to what their fears are or what bothers them then they could live a long healthy life.

His gf has asked him to not live the lifestyle he has grown to love. I fear this will cause resentment and could cause failure. Am I wrong in worrying about this?
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-12-2011, 07:21 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post

His gf has asked him to not live the lifestyle he has grown to love. I fear this will cause resentment and could cause failure. Am I wrong in worrying about this?
It sounds like she may be what is sometimes referred to as a "cowgirl" - a person who gets involved with someone in a poly or open relationship with the intentions of getting them to give up their other partner(s) and be monogamous with the cowgirl/boy.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 01-12-2011, 08:29 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 104
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
It sounds like she may be what is sometimes referred to as a "cowgirl" - a person who gets involved with someone in a poly or open relationship with the intentions of getting them to give up their other partner(s) and be monogamous with the cowgirl/boy.
I don't think she would ever try to come between us but I worry about her mono mind set. I have seen others on here talking about relationships like that. I know we can't help who we fall in love with but it does seem to be a lot to deal with. I can't change her way of thinking and really have no desire to, I just want her to tell us what her fears are or things she worries about. As it stands now, I research and find things that might be upsetting her and figure out how to deal with them then casually bring the subject up and we talk about it. She always says thanks I had been worrying about that. Then I tell her ANYTIME you have something like that come to me. She says she will but never does. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel like she can't trust me. We really do like each other and spend a lot of time talking, laughing and crying together. I want this to work out.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 01-12-2011, 08:34 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 104
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
It sounds like she may be what is sometimes referred to as a "cowgirl" - a person who gets involved with someone in a poly or open relationship with the intentions of getting them to give up their other partner(s) and be monogamous with the cowgirl/boy.
OK I read that again and I can see that happening. She seems to be fine with me doing stuff with someone else and didn't even understand why I was bothering to ask her what she thought. I explained to her that even though she and I weren't dating didn't mean that what i do directly effects her life as well. She still didn't understand. I explained that B (my husband) has sex with me and has sex with her, so when I go out there is always a risk of bringing something back to them. She thought about it and thanked me for thinking about her like that but she really didn't care what I do.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 01-12-2011, 08:41 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
I explained to her that even though she and I weren't dating didn't mean that what i do directly effects her life as well. She still didn't understand. I explained that B (my husband) has sex with me and has sex with her, so when I go out there is always a risk of bringing something back to them. .
Well, I said it sounds like she may be a cowgirl. I didn't say she IS a cowgirl. I don't have enough information to conclude that.

This part in the quotes, however - it makes my head hurt that there are people who need to have this explained to them in this day and age.

but it also brings up something else. Are your husband and she not using condoms, and has everyone been tested prior to doing so? Do you not use condoms with your other partners prior to being tested? Why would you even put her and your husband in the position of "bringing something back to them", and if you were to do so, how does talking about it help you not catch a STD? Sure, talking about it is grooovy, but you have to DO something about it too, in order to PREVENT it..
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 01-12-2011, 08:41 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
She says she will but never does.
You can trust what people DO over what they say. Every time. Actions reveal the heart.

This woman is jerking y'all around, manipulating the two of you for her own ends, whatever they may be.

She wants your husband to spend hours every day online, but doesn't want to hang out with him. That's weird.

And only wants to small talk? Really? That's odd too.

There's something hinky going on with her.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 01-12-2011, 08:54 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 104
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Well, I said it sounds like she may be a cowgirl. I didn't say she IS a cowgirl. I don't have enough information to conclude that.

This part in the quotes, however - it makes my head hurt that there are people who need to have this explained to them in this day and age.

but it also brings up something else. Are your husband and she not using condoms, and has everyone been tested prior to doing so? Do you not use condoms with your other partners prior to being tested? Why would you even put her and your husband in the position of "bringing something back to them", and if you were to do so, how does talking about it help you not catch a STD? Sure, talking about it is grooovy, but you have to DO something about it too, in order to PREVENT it..
Of course we all are tested and of course we all use condoms but there is always a risk. We also pick our partners carefully and talking about it and bringing them in on the decision helps us all feel like we have some say in the matter. It is all of our lives that are affected by new partners and especially if love is involved. That could mean eventually bringing a new person into our family.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 01-12-2011, 09:00 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
Of course we all are tested and of course we all use condoms but there is always a risk. We also pick our partners carefully and talking about it and bringing them in on the decision helps us all feel like we have some say in the matter. It is all of our lives that are affected by new partners and especially if love is involved. That could mean eventually bringing a new person into our family.
OK, as long as you're all tested and/or using protection, I don't think she has to know every time you do something on a date. Maybe she just doesn't WANT to hear about it. I don't think it's necessary for her to know about it or have an opinion about it every time you have sex with someone else.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, compromise, secondaries, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:46 PM.