And then there were three...(this is a stream of consciousness)

[Indigomontoya]

Originally Posted by Carma

I am so happy to read about your date to the orchestra together.
My OSO just got a new apartment and my husband does not want me going there. He feels I will want to "play house," and eventually I will want to leave and go live there instead. No matter how I reassure him, he says it is a very real possibility and he is adamantly opposed. So I agreed I will not violate his wishes.

Husband has gone online, looking for a potential gf, but is running into similar problems I see other primaries here on the forum encountering. I think he really is just monogamous, and is not especially interested in finding a gf; he's happy as a clam being married to me but this new arrangement is throwing him for a real loop. I don't want him to be lonely

Thanks for your kind words. I think that the way to alleviate some of his concerns is only going to be respecting his wishes. When TP started dating Mr. A she would have disappeared in a puff of NRE energy had there not been very strict guidelines set out that we had both agreed upon (her paraphrased words). I firmly believe it was a very real possibility that she would have disappeared. As long as your are cognisant that your own perspective may be skewed by your new relationship and be aware of his needs it should work just fine. He needs time, and reassurance you're not going anywhere.

I would recommend reading TP's blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3447
for her perspective, but from mine

Initially they would only get together 2 nights a week with no overnights. As I became more comfortable with my own jealousy, anxiety, and insecurities I expanded the boundaries. It's really a give and take and he needs to really communicate well his needs as per the time he wants with you. There's plenty you can do to help him with these, most are simple signs that you are not going anywhere, and give him time and allow him to progress at his own pace.

Speaking directly from a perspective of your husband I can say that he might be lonely, but he needs to communicate when his needs are met and when he needs more time with you. As for finding a gf my advice to him is to not look so hard, rejection is cumulatively hard and if he is happy being mono by default then more power to him.

I hope everything works out.

[sage]

This term of yours "mono by default" I find jarring. I know "default" has two meanings but you seem to be using it negatively. Maybe it's just me but it makes me feel like you're settling for mono because you have no other choice?

I know I'm probably projecting my own stuff onto your situation. I'm on a bit of a crusade to be a "positive mono" because I tired of people feeling sorry for me. That's obviously why it triggers me.

[Indigomontoya]

Originally Posted by sage

This term of yours "mono by default" I find jarring. I know "default" has two meanings but you seem to be using it negatively. Maybe it's just me but it makes me feel like you're settling for mono because you have no other choice?

I know I'm probably projecting my own stuff onto your situation. I'm on a bit of a crusade to be a "positive mono" because I tired of people feeling sorry for me. That's obviously why it triggers me.

I can understand that, and the tone of my post does lend itself to your assessment.

But mono by default is something I use to simply state that I am poly or trying to be but not yet. I am definitely a positive mono, I can definitively say that and I am sorry it was portrayed any differently, that was my error and not the case. I am of course not fishing for pity but in a very real sense I am monogamous to TP because I have not found another partner...

[sage]

In that case you actually see yourself more as "poly between relationships". Have you had a "secondary" (for want of a better label) relationship?

Z has been meeting with a poly group in Australia and the majority of them are seeking other relationships. He went through all the rejection too of women in the mono world but finds hanging out in the poly world hugely better. Are there any poly goups around where you live?

[Indigomontoya]

I've not had a secondary relationship, come close a couple of times, but never actually had one...hence why it's mono.

[Indigomontoya]

I've not posted in a while mainly because there's not much going on on my end. I am just plugging away with a new job I love, and sometimes proactively looking for an OSO, sometimes not; sometimes I'm frustrated and angry with my rejections, sometimes I feel I could be perfectly happy as mono.

So the eternal struggle of a male poly... I'm not really looking proactively or intensely now as I am just trying not to add to the upheaval and settling with Mr A and TP and her weening off her meds. I just want to add to the stable environment, not detract from it. Just putting myself second, which TP will tell you is my standard state...

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya

So the eternal struggle of a male poly... I'm not really looking proactively or intensely now as I am just trying not to add to the upheaval and settling with Mr A and TP and her weening off her meds. I just want to add to the stable environment, not detract from it. Just putting myself second, which TP will tell you is my standard state...

We're pretty settled now, love. You've been amazing through the process and I couldn't have done it without you.

You are my rock, so please don't fret about detracting from a stable environment. Just stop with the second class act and all will work out.

*HUGS*

[Indigomontoya]

Why is it that any heterosexual, consenting adults can have any kind of fetish, some that can be considered a health risk, and it's "Whatever floats your boat." but you get two polyamorous, heterosexual, consenting adults who communicate better, are closer, and happier than their monogamous friends and suddenly their the pariahs?

I received a fuck off and die note after telling a woman I was chatting with about my poly marriage. Apparently she can see why I get hate mail over it, and what I am doing is disgusting... I can't win, I tell them at the outset and I get pissy messages, I establish a repoire, pissy messages, put it in my profile? Hate mail.

Here's what I send usually as the message:

I've really enjoyed chatting and emailing you. So with that in mind, I didn't want you to think I was lying to you, or keeping something from you. I'm in an polyamorous marriage; that does not mean i am looking for one night stands, the easiest way to describe it is that I am in a committed, nonmonogsmous relationship; so I am able to date and have other relationships.

I left it out of the profile because I was receiving hate mail over it. I know I should have been more forth right, but I've bad experiences just coming out and saying before getting to know someone.

I understand if you don't want to speak to me again, I hope that's not the case, but I wanted you to know.

[IM]

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya

Why is it that any heterosexual, consenting adults can have any kind of fetish, some that can be considered a health risk, and it's "Whatever floats your boat." but you get two polyamorous, heterosexual, consenting adults who communicate better, are closer, and happier than their monogamous friends and suddenly their the pariahs?

Good question...I've asked the very same question many times.

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya

I received a fuck off and die note after telling a woman I was chatting with about my poly marriage. Apparently she can see why I get hate mail over it, and what I am doing is disgusting... I can't win, I tell them at the outset and I get pissy messages, I establish a repoire, pissy messages, put it in my profile? Hate mail.

I watched a documentary the other day about a Pregnant Man (Actually a F-M Trans who didn't get full bottom surgery if anyone cares about the 'how'...and let the guys relax...it's not our time yet) and the hate mail, vids, phone calls, harassment, and venom of the neighbors, or just random people who saw an Oprah show was truly astounding. It amazes me that with freedom of speech seems to come this assumption that it also means freedom of judgement of stuff about neighbors or strangers which at the end of the day if none of their F$%^&ng business.

(Sorry about the counter rant here dude...let me know if you want me to move it elsewhere)

I don't use POF anymore, but I can't say as I ever got hate mail or anything on there, (Maybe it's just because you're in Ontario. ) and I used single as a status frequently as well, but it was to dodge the email and search filters. But all I hope you don't let it get you down...it's one of those consider the source things...and isn't it better to know that they're a close minded judgmental hose-beast BEFORE you waste 30 minutes and $5 on having coffee with them!

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya

I understand if you don't want to speak to me again, I hope that's not the case, but I wanted you to know.

This particular line may not cause the hate mail, but it does seem a little self-defeatist....it's almost like you're making the decision for them to not talk to you.
If I could suggest something more akin to:
"I recognize this kind of living is not for everyone, and requires an open mind and an honest heart. So I want to be entirely up-front with you, and if you are game, then cool. And if it's not your bag, then no harm no foul."

Again, consider the source...if I knew what to say in messages on those sites to get reply's I'd be spending all my time on OKC instead of posting here.

[Indigomontoya]

I wish there was a happy post...but I don't know how to feel...

I thought I had moved past the feelings surrounding new poly. TP is looking to date a third with Mr A two hours away; I've given my okay as has Mr A...but I thought I would be fine, done it before and survived...thought I was over them but even just the hint of TP's attention being elsewhere makes me anxious...so I'm stepping back and it annoys me...

What's making it worse is my own insecurity of having almost no libido...I feel like I am totally immasculated when I see my wife, the woman I love, who I find attractive and don't want sex, I've thought and thought and it's not sex with her, sex in general, with anyone...with myself... I feel horrible about it and that feeds my insecurity with TP and poly... I've gone through several possibilities and have gone and had blood drawn for hormone level tests but that's a double edged sword...With more symptoms than just libido loss...

If it's a hormone thing, it's either a pill a day until my levels get back to normal or it's a shot a month for the rest of my life if it's very low...and that's not even discussing what might be the cause: pituitary tumours or troubles...and this is the good news...

If it not hormones it's something else, something even more nebulous and internal.... that there aren't clear cures...and that terrifies me...what then?

I've never hopes for a pituitary problem before but now it's an easy fix...unlike my insecurity....