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Old 01-10-2011, 05:27 PM
Indigomontoya's Avatar
Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 107

Originally Posted by Carma View Post
I am so happy to read about your date to the orchestra together.
My OSO just got a new apartment and my husband does not want me going there. He feels I will want to "play house," and eventually I will want to leave and go live there instead. No matter how I reassure him, he says it is a very real possibility and he is adamantly opposed. So I agreed I will not violate his wishes.

Husband has gone online, looking for a potential gf, but is running into similar problems I see other primaries here on the forum encountering. I think he really is just monogamous, and is not especially interested in finding a gf; he's happy as a clam being married to me but this new arrangement is throwing him for a real loop. I don't want him to be lonely
Thanks for your kind words. I think that the way to alleviate some of his concerns is only going to be respecting his wishes. When TP started dating Mr. A she would have disappeared in a puff of NRE energy had there not been very strict guidelines set out that we had both agreed upon (her paraphrased words). I firmly believe it was a very real possibility that she would have disappeared. As long as your are cognisant that your own perspective may be skewed by your new relationship and be aware of his needs it should work just fine. He needs time, and reassurance you're not going anywhere.

I would recommend reading TP's blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3447
for her perspective, but from mine

Initially they would only get together 2 nights a week with no overnights. As I became more comfortable with my own jealousy, anxiety, and insecurities I expanded the boundaries. It's really a give and take and he needs to really communicate well his needs as per the time he wants with you. There's plenty you can do to help him with these, most are simple signs that you are not going anywhere, and give him time and allow him to progress at his own pace.

Speaking directly from a perspective of your husband I can say that he might be lonely, but he needs to communicate when his needs are met and when he needs more time with you. As for finding a gf my advice to him is to not look so hard, rejection is cumulatively hard and if he is happy being mono by default then more power to him.

I hope everything works out.
Polyamory is wrong! It's Multiamory or Polyphilia. Mixing Greek and Latin roots? That's wrong.
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