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  #11  
Old 10-28-2010, 02:34 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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@myzka- Thanks. I've always been known for being able to have and accept a much broader viewpoint when considering topics.

@Grounded- Thanks for your insight. Whether you move fast or slow, relationships can sour. That is why I offered an alternate approach to the 'living situation'. It doesn't have to be introduced as 'we are all together and we really are into each other and we are moving full speed ahead by moving her and her daughter in as a part of our family'. If the situation is clearly discussed and everyone has an understanding (and possible a written agreement), things can work out fine and, if they don't, there is an agreement in place that clearly defines what is expected in that event.

Of course, we know there are different experiences and viewpoints AND approaches. I believe that is a lot of the reason why we are here, isn't it?

I definitely agree about adjustment. LIFE in general is a big adjustment. It's all about how you perceive and adapt to it.

Thanks for your thoughts.

@redpepper- you must have misunderstood my statement. The traditional, conditioned mindset statement was in reference to the 'slow down' thought process not the 'speed up'. Of course, we all know that is the 'first' statement most people would make because that IS what is taught as the norm in relationship development. The traditional relationship mindset, in general, is a conditioned mindset. Laws, society, and many religions have given us the blueprint of how relationships should be conducted, who can be involved with them, what type of sex is acceptable, etc. and those standards are filtered down through most generations and accepted as 'the right way'. I have had some experience in various traditional and alternative relationship types and the topic at hand happens across the board (speedy development). Of course it would seem that it happens moreso in one community than another depending on what community you are involved in. Plus, since most alternative relationship communities do not associate in big groups, I could see how one would determine quicker development in comparison to others in various poly communities since they are most likely basing their opinion on a small nitch of people.

Of course, we know any relationship type can develop at various paces...what pace is an acceptable one depends on who's analyzing it. My point is...the only comfort levels that are important are those of the people involved in the relationship.; however, I believe in proceeding with caution in all situations regardless of the length of time vested. Contrary to popular belief, time doesn't guarantee knowledge, especially, when dealing with people who are constantly changing, growing, and learning.

All that to say, though, we all inquire about the thoughts of others, we (well I know I do) do so as a sounding board to, hopefully, be introduced to some points that we 'hadn't' considered as we make our decision on how to move forward.

Thanks for your thoughts.
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  #12  
Old 10-28-2010, 04:25 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I go as slow as the relationship allows. That said, notice the wording. It goes as slow as it needs to. I tend to have fireballs of love. Its generally how I work and considering my record in relationships, going slow is really a personal thing.

If you are comfortable running - jesus run.

I never try to dictate the pace directly, just try and move comfortably within everyones limits.

Keep in mind, your partners may be lying about their comfort. I figured this out when everything was going "well" but then find out they were using the stiff upper lip tactic

Either way, enjoy the ride and best of luck with your relationship
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  #13  
Old 10-28-2010, 04:36 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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@ariakas- I love everything you had to say and totally agree. *hugs*
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  #14  
Old 10-28-2010, 11:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
@redpepper- you must have misunderstood my statement. The traditional, conditioned mindset statement was in reference to the 'slow down' thought process not the 'speed up'. Of course, we all know that is the 'first' statement most people would make because that IS what is taught as the norm in relationship development. The traditional relationship mindset, in general, is a conditioned mindset. Laws, society, and many religions have given us the blueprint of how relationships should be conducted, who can be involved with them, what type of sex is acceptable, etc. and those standards are filtered down through most generations and accepted as 'the right way'. I have had some experience in various traditional and alternative relationship types and the topic at hand happens across the board (speedy development). Of course it would seem that it happens moreso in one community than another depending on what community you are involved in. Plus, since most alternative relationship communities do not associate in big groups, I could see how one would determine quicker development in comparison to others in various poly communities since they are most likely basing their opinion on a small nitch of people.

Of course, we know any relationship type can develop at various paces...what pace is an acceptable one depends on who's analyzing it. My point is...the only comfort levels that are important are those of the people involved in the relationship.; however, I believe in proceeding with caution in all situations regardless of the length of time vested. Contrary to popular belief, time doesn't guarantee knowledge, especially, when dealing with people who are constantly changing, growing, and learning.

All that to say, though, we all inquire about the thoughts of others, we (well I know I do) do so as a sounding board to, hopefully, be introduced to some points that we 'hadn't' considered as we make our decision on how to move forward.

Thanks for your thoughts.
I think this is a very valid point, not to slow down so much as to be cautious. I get that. I still would recommend slowing down in order to understand what to be cautious about, and so as to understand and see what will naturally come up. Especially where children are involved and a whole lot of NRE energy.

Really my concern was more in the approach that you had... we don't all subscribe to the same point of view and in your original post it seemed that you were challenging GS and therefore me because I would of agreed with him... maybe for differing reasons, but essentially agreed...

He was loud in saying that the OP should "SLOW DOWN!" That could of come off as bossy for sure... I have known him on here a while and am used to how he posts. I doubt that is what it was meant to sound like. When you said back to him and the OP "you will probably receive a few responses from people telling you to slow down. I, however, am not one of those people. That is another traditional, conditioned mindset that people have to grow away from." I was alarmed as it isn't my experience and I don't have any desire to grow away from my opinion.

I have never been told to "slow down" in all the years I have had relationships (I am 40 now) and I can tell you I have had some fast developments... Mono and I took all of a week to meet, fuck and then get to our regular Tuesday night sleep overs... way fast and no one said anything, except PN. Who would of preferred I went at his pace because he struggled. A slower pace.

I learned to slow down from hard earned experience and while I stand by my view I can still respect that it works for others to fly into things... hell, it worked for us...

I think if you had marketed your view and said something along the lines of "I believe, or I think, or in my experience" I, for one, would not feel as if my understanding of the world and my experience in my own life are not valid or wrong because you think I should change my "another traditional, conditioned mindset." Frankly I'm not that keen on being told that by someone that doesn't know me...

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I am really not meaning it too, and I totally understand now the point you are making and fully agree. I respect you have had different experiences, but I just thought I would offer this communication concept for you and others to think about as I find sometimes that a reasonable and valuable point is missed because of the way it has been said... I hope it's helpful and I apologize to the OP for getting off track.
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  #15  
Old 10-29-2010, 02:54 PM
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Jodi Jodi is offline
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hi ambleew,

i think it's great that you & ur hub hv found this woman. plus, she's a package deal, which can make it even better.

if she needs a place to stay, until she gets on her feet, i don't see the harm in helping her out. as long as she doesn't take advantage of you guys.

as for moving in, there's a lot to consider, finances, her daughter, how ur family & friends will react.

nothing is set in stone either. if you try and it's successful, awesome. expect some bumps along the way. if it doesn't work out, she cd always move out & u guys could still have a relationship.

best of luck to you sweetie.

jodi.
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  #16  
Old 11-08-2010, 11:50 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
As GroundedSpirit said, you will probably receive a few responses from people telling you to slow down. I, however, am not one of those people. That is another traditional, conditioned mindset that people have to grow away from. Who's to say how fast is too fast for 'you' and 'your family'? What I would say is...always proceed with caution. I am of the belief that we do not conduct our lives in the way others see fit or what others have adopted as normal processes. You conduct your life based on what works for your and your loved ones. That's why we are mature (hopefully), growing, individuals and if the current pace is comfortable for all parties involved...you should continue with that pace and, hopefully, the communication is vast, open, and clear enough where you guys have no problem discussing all things, small and large, along the way.

Discussing your future desires and throwing ideas around is beneficial so that everyone can start pondering if the desires are the same, etc. There's nothing wrong with being sure of yourself and what you want. It cuts out a lot of indecisiveness and fumbling through relationships. I'm sure things will grow and some desires will change along the way but the foundation is laid which is what is important.

If it makes you feel more comfortable, and you guys decided to move the third party in, you should approach it more like 'helping a friend in an unstable situation out' because she obviously is going to need a place to stay. You guys can discuss allowing her to stay currently while she continues to search for an affordable place. If the living situations flows naturally then you guys can all decide whether or not it is necessary for her to continue to browse for her own place at a later date. Sometimes, no matter how great people are together relationshipwise, they may not mesh together well when it comes to living together so that may turn out to be a growing process.

All relationships are trial and error but as long as everyone involved is interested in putting forth a great deal of effort to learn, compromise, grow, understand, and unite everything can work out.

Sorry for the length.
I've always been one to not care about statistic. So I agree that pace is determined by those who set it....of course you don't want to go in blind though without any thought. eklctc said its trial and error "this is one of the larger of the trials but not imposable to mount....Do not be discouraged about the statistic but take heed to the caution signs of other who have experience but keep in mind that everones relationship is different then yours.... all of you should have a conversation..."Moving in will cause challenges.... are you up for it?" that kind of thing....talk about house habits or pet peeves. All in all there should be a healthy balance of "it feels right" "is this logical and is common sense covered?"

PT
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  #17  
Old 12-31-2010, 04:54 PM
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ambleew ambleew is offline
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Hey guys..it's been awhile! First of all...I want to thank you ALL for your advice and input! It all really helped and we decided to slow things down. Actually a couple of days after my post, she decided to move back with her ex husband out of town. It hurt because she left without even a goodbye. Our First Experience...but we learned.

We have actually been seeing a new girl for about 3 weeks now. My husband met her at work and it was really a complete accidental meeting. We both enjoy time with her. We are definitely taking things slow this time. I honestly do struggle a little with some jealousy because they do work together...although in different departments. I feel like she is making an honest effort to get to know me. How do i get over this feeling?

Also..she has said that she wants to pursue a relationship with us and that she wants to tell her mother when she comes into town next month. However, I feel bad now that we had a conversation last night. She said the only thing that bothers her is that she knows she will never have a wedding and that all girls dream of a wedding. She said she is happy with us and wouldn't trade it for anything. Is this a normal want for everyone?

Sorry if this is all over the place, I'm at work and just saying what all has come to my mind today.
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  #18  
Old 12-31-2010, 07:28 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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weddings? Is that a normal want? well it is how we have been taught so ya. It's the mono dream. Of course it is something others want to, but it is engrained in our culture, so it is natural for someone to want this. There is no reason that if this woman works out that in a few years you could have a ceremony to join the three of you. That is done and a lovely way to seal a triad of vee... or any other configuration too.

There is much written here on this if you do a search... try a tag search for marriage, commitment... see what you find.
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  #19  
Old 01-09-2011, 05:37 AM
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Redpepper..Thanks so much! I love reading your responses on the boards! I don't get on here much, but I should change that because it really helps me being so new!

My husband, our gf and myself all had a very serious talk the other night. She expressed her fears of never being able to marry my husband and the fear of being the "third wheel". In a way, it made me feel bad because I felt like she was settling for us and knowing how badly she wants marriage some day. She said she cares enough for us that we are all she wants and can get over the marriage part. We did even discuss a commitment ceremony sometime in the future if everything works out.

Communication has been a very big part in our relationship..and I think that's extremely important! She is very understanding of my feelings as I am hers. I think that with any relationship, there will always be the fears of it not working. I just know that we are all happy and will enjoy the ride while it lasts...hopefully forever!!
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