Differences in Speed

[maca]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

I hear you. If it were me, I'd be at a hotel. But, it's not me and I'm listening and considering the points being made by Maca in regards to it. I admit that his point of not wanting to spend money once a week on a hotel, that we could be saving towards our vacation does hit home.
At the same time-like you said, very very new and we are SO SO SO very different about how we open up to people.....

.

Just to set things straight It was not my suggestion to "boot" LR out of OUR room. In fact she was the one that offered because she didnt want me to spend the money on a hotel.
Im respoinding to these posts as I read them ...so This may be old news by now.... I have come back to LR and told her that I was not comfortable with her giving up her space/our space. Not because of the other lady or myself even but because that would not be somthing I would be ok with.


M

[maca]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

I really am trying to be as reasonable as possible, because I know it's difficult. But, admittedly I am feeling as though I'm being asked to give her "equal status" without earning it.
I would NEVER expect that she put in 13 years to earn it. But I think you have to at least take time to get to know people and what's important to them before you can gain privileges of equal status in their life to S.O.'s that have put in that time...

I have seen and I agree with you LR. I have also taken the time to explain that R is asking for things that ONLY come with time and effort. At the point that things stand now, there is an unresolved " conflict" that exists so time spent " earning" rights is not really happening. Not to mention the fact that I have told her that things are going to far to fast and that friendship is the Fucking.

M

[maca]

Originally Posted by marksbabygirl

This resonates with me. You're being asked to waive certain boundaries/rules that were set in place for a reason - and for someone who has been in HIS life for less than a month.

.

The boundry rules that I have asked to change are the very ones that LR has posted about as being unfair and limiting to her and GG. Ones that I made in order to protect myself from being hurt further after years of being cheated on and lied to. Those rules were made over a year ago.

I did say and do mean that even if things dont work out with R ( which is now on indeffinet hold) I was wrong in putting in those rules and that I would not take it back if it ended up not benefiting me.

M

[maca]

I have read through all the posts and I will now think on it. I dont expect that I will respond anytime soon. I have a shit load going on at the moment and not just with relationships. I dont have the time that some people do, to write on here. As a matter of fact I had to leave the house tonite and sit in my truck to get this read and to do any writing.
My head is pounding and it feels like a chain saw is running between my ears. Im going home to kiss my kids and go to bed.


M

[Breathesgirl]

Many hugs Maca. I hope you feel better today .

[marksbabygirl]

Originally Posted by maca

The boundry rules that I have asked to change are the very ones that LR has posted about as being unfair and limiting to her and GG. Ones that I made in order to protect myself from being hurt further after years of being cheated on and lied to. Those rules were made over a year ago.

I did say and do mean that even if things dont work out with R ( which is now on indeffinet hold) I was wrong in putting in those rules and that I would not take it back if it ended up not benefiting me.

M

I read through your other replies - and I was the one who offered too much as well. Regardless of whether the pressure was there - I felt it - which is why so much of her posts have resonated with me.

I know we're only hearing one side - and I'm glad you weighed in on this.

[LovingRadiance]

The other thing is-as I've said a few times Maca,

is that just because YOU'VE decided that the boundaries were unfair (and not all of them did I say I had an issue with);

I DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE ALL OF THE BOUNDARIES
becuase I don't happen to think that they are all unreasonable.


In addition to all of that-

I asked you to read this thread so that you could get some perspective from people (not me). I have INTENTIONALLY not said ONE WORD to you about it being good or bad for you to move forward with R. Because I know its a sensitive topic, but its OBVIOUS that NRE is clouding your head and you are not making decisions that back up WHAT ACTUALLY MATTERS TO YOU in your relationships.

Instead, you get defensive on here too....

Seriously-just stop defending yourself. No one was attacking you.

IF you want to get realistic and helpful information-it would be a good idea to write your post about the situation adn what it is, instead of spending your time defending yourself.

You say nothing about the fact that you had feelings, based on things she said to you (that were false and you KNEW were false), that you then acted upon (against me) and that I didn't retaliate.

You say nothing about the fact that YOU feel pressured by her to do things with her that go against our boundary rules AND against your own preferences and comfort levels.

You say nothing about what it is you want from a "relationship" and what it is you are doing to try to find/create that.

You say nothing about what it is about HER that meets YOUR specifications of what you want/need in a relationship.

You say nothing about the fact that on your own you said there was no way she was goign to respect your "hard limits" for a relationship or our polyfamilies "hard limits" for a relationship...

I'm all for having a respectful conversation about the situation.

In order to do that, you need to set the story straight regarding what the truth is about what's going on.
Nothing I've said was untrue, manipulative or twisting the story. There is information I have now that I didn't have when I wrote and there is information that you have which I do not, becuase it's YOUR relationship.

If there is missing information-it's because I don't have it.

I hadn't posted since I told you that I was rescinding my willingness to share our room. So I hadn't had a chance to say that you also felt that we shouldn't share the room.

The reason I only listed the hotel cost in the reason for not using a hotel, was becuase I don't happen to believe that you think using a hotel is sleazy. You've never thought that in 13 years, only after she said she thought that did you repeat it.
I do know that for 13 years I've watched you "change" your preferences to meet whoever you are aligning yourself at any given time. It's one of the things that we've talked about MANY MANY times over the years. You don't stick to your guns with "who you are" or "what you believe". It morphs to whatever the other person says.
Therefore-I chose not to repeat something that I have every reason to believe isn't a true feeling of yours.

[erithacus]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

I know there is a link in my signature-but today's post is specifically an update to what this thread is about.
http://lovingradiance.wordpress.com/...-vs-sacrifice/

Hi LR,

I just read your blog post. Thank you, thank you very much for writing it. You can add me to the list of people who have benefited from it.

I can relate to giving too much of yourself. And how it affects the outcome of negotiations. I am struggling with a similar way of dealing with boundaries.

Someone recently told me that for someone like me, who will have compromised even before negotiations have begun, it is important to just say No. Say No, and ask for time to think. I can always agree or give in later. It's hard, because it hurts other people. They aren't used to me being tough. They are used to having it their way. But I've noticed that actually stating my needs and defending them requires a lot less energy than compromising beyond my abilities. And you can actually get to a place where needs of both parties are met.

Some interesting things about this, that have been very useful to me, are written by Rick Hanson, in his book Buddha's Brain. He says key points in relationships with people are compassion _and_ assertion. You need compassion to create an open and safe environment in which to interact with caring for each other. You need assertion to ensure your needs are heard. Being assertive is important and it does not mean you are offensive or unreasonable, even if other people say so because they find it hard to hear your needs.

Thank you again for posting. I wish you, Maca, GG, R and everyone else involved good luck, wisdom, and open hearts.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by erithacus

Hi LR,

I just read your blog post. Thank you, thank you very much for writing it. You can add me to the list of people who have benefited from it.

I can relate to giving too much of yourself. And how it affects the outcome of negotiations. I am struggling with a similar way of dealing with boundaries.

Someone recently told me that for someone like me, who will have compromised even before negotiations have begun, it is important to just say No. Say No, and ask for time to think. I can always agree or give in later. It's hard, because it hurts other people. They aren't used to me being tough. They are used to having it their way. But I've noticed that actually stating my needs and defending them requires a lot less energy than compromising beyond my abilities. And you can actually get to a place where needs of both parties are met.

Some interesting things about this, that have been very useful to me, are written by Rick Hanson, in his book Buddha's Brain. He says key points in relationships with people are compassion _and_ assertion. You need compassion to create an open and safe environment in which to interact with caring for each other. You need assertion to ensure your needs are heard. Being assertive is important and it does not mean you are offensive or unreasonable, even if other people say so because they find it hard to hear your needs.

Thank you again for posting. I wish you, Maca, GG, R and everyone else involved good luck, wisdom, and open hearts.

Thank you Erithacus.
It's been difficult all along, but recently I feel such an internal push to "right" my world. That really makes this all a bit of a repeating nightmare.
I don't really know where it all leads.

I rarely feel "fear"; but I admit to fearing that the end result is going to be me leaving.

[erithacus]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

Thank you Erithacus.
It's been difficult all along, but recently I feel such an internal push to "right" my world. That really makes this all a bit of a repeating nightmare.
I don't really know where it all leads.

I rarely feel "fear"; but I admit to fearing that the end result is going to be me leaving.

LR,

in any case, it leads to a world that is more right for yourself. That, at least, is something very valuable.

I hope it all works out, though.

Regards, r