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Old 08-31-2009, 02:12 AM
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Default How do I get over "good, but weird"?

I am in a sort of triad that is slightly unbalanced, but is still new and thus forming. I've been with my primary for six years, and with my secondary -- well, this time for 10 days so far. I met my secondary (let's call them Pam and Sue respectively, because that's kind of cute) when I was 9 years old (Im 26), so we have a little background. We got back in touch last September-ish after "going out" on and off for maybe 3 years from 4th to 7th grade, then briefly hanging out again during college. Feelings developed quickly (or long dormant feelings reawakened, who can tell?), and we carried on a very innocent little romance, primarily online and via telephone only ocassionally meeting in person (she lives two hours away -- not so long that we can't get together, but long enough that we cant do it often). We didnt even kiss until January. She was/is married at the time, and so after we spent the day pawing and kissing each other she became withdrawn, and we broke it off. A few months later, she started on her divorce. She moved out, is living with a friend now, and has her initial separation hearing in a couple of weeks (this is wonderful -- her husband an emotional abuser, though, to be fair, I've always assumed he's just unhappy, like she is, with the situation...they're married because after a few casual encounters she got pregnant, and neither one of them really wanted to be in the marriage). Now we're back in touch, but with a lot more, you know...sex. Like a lot. Really making up for lost time there.

Anyways...

Pam and Sue are friends now. Both are wholly okay with the situation. Pam is actually way more okay with this than I could have asked. She's more okay with it than I am, and I'm really the focus of the whole thing. It's not a true, equilateral triangle here, because Pam and Sue arent involved with each other. They're aware, and consenting, and they're even friends. We had a wonderful day together yesterday at our lake house watching movies and making dinner. It was perfect in every way. The perfect little picture of polyamory. We were the poster children for the lifestyle.

Here's the thing: I know it's bizarre, because while the two of them wouldn't really identify as poly, I do. I'm the one in the center of this. They have their own free wills, of course, but they're more or less doing it for me. But...I'm feeling weird about it. I know, right?! They're fine, and I'm the one feeling weird! This could be for a number of reasons. Sue is the first girl I've had sex with since I got together with Pam. I love Pam so much that it is beyond "love." It's not really even a romantic relationship anymore, though I do still have those feelings. She's just a part of me. We aren't married, but we're what a married couple should be. We're one. So the other thought I've had is that the fact that the sex Sue and I have had has been independent of Pam could also be the cause of it. After the first time with Sue, last week, Pam came home from work and I told her about it. She was excited, and we talked, but I ended up hugging her, with tears in my eyes, saying "I really wished you were there." So maybe I'm just feeling her absence and it makes me feel bad. But there's this feeling in my stomach that is hard to describe, but if I had to compare it to something, it most closely resembles guilt. Pam is happy about the relationship. Sue is happy about the relationship. I'm not going to say I'm not happy about it. No one is getting hurt, and everyone is taken care of. So why should I feel guilty? Maybe it's because I've been brought up, like most of us, to believe that a relationship is a bi-partite system? Maybe I'm desperately afraid that, as cool as Pam seems to be with this, I might still hurt her? Maybe I'm just weirded out by being monogamous for six years, then suddenly plunging into a sexual relationship with someone else?

What is my problem, and how do I move past it?

HELP POLY FRIENDS!
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Old 08-31-2009, 05:21 AM
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I have to say I can relate to your feelings of discomfort and guilt. I too have felt that and sometimes still do. It is quite normal and expected. It sounds like things are running smoothly, so hopefully you can just let it go in you head and allow it to leave again. I put it down to a number of things. Yes, what we have been culturally taught is one of them, but also that I have to ask myself if I have spent enough time with my husband or with Mono. That came later really, not at the beginning. At the beginning it was more the strangeness of not sharing everything.

I don't know if it is such a good idea to ask that your women spend time having sex with you together. There is something wonderful about getting to know someone as they are first. Developing a full rounded relationship including sex, before crossing over to sex together. All that should be on their terms and in their time.

If they are doing okay and getting along, showing compersion and the whole bit then why not sit back and enjoy the new life you have. You have wanted it and now have it. It's a strange feeling, but normalizes with time.
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Old 08-31-2009, 05:32 AM
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By the way, you are in a "V"
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Old 08-31-2009, 01:39 PM
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A "V"! I'm going to tell them both as soon as possible. It's exciting to have the right terminology. Clearly, I'm a poly noob

Okay, so I think you've got a lot of valid points there. When you said that a lot of that feeling for you was the strangeness of not sharing everything, that hit home for me. Like how, after the first time with Sue, I told Pam I wished she had been there. That wasn't me expressing my desire for group sex, but just the fact that Pam is such a part of me that, in an intimate setting, she's....supposed to be there. I miss her when she's at work and I'm at home. I miss her when I'm at work. If she's out of town for a night, I have trouble sleeping. So the idea of doing something so important, and having that mean being apart from her, that gives me problems.

But, you're also right that, for now, I do need to let things develop on their own. Pam, as excited and okay as she is with all this, is not ready to be together with Sue yet. Sue is much farther from being okay with that. We almost did something all together, and just coming close freaked Sue out. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy herself, but that she knew she hadn't done it for her, but only because she knew I wanted it. We talked afterward, and she told me this, and we determined that we definitely shouldn't even get into such a situation until it is something she wants. She's afraid, though, because she knows I do want that, and is afraid she'll never "come around."

So clearly its complicated, but I think you're pretty much right. Except that this still doesn't alleviate my feelings of weirdness and guild. I'll just have to wait and see if it goes away, I suppose. It's just strange because I'm usually very in touch with my emotions, but in this case, I'm not sure what I'm feeling. So I don't know how to deal with it.
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Old 08-31-2009, 02:10 PM
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I don't really have alot of advice on how to get over the feelings. I had them too. Then they were gone over time the more secure I felt that my husband was ok and happy about my new relationship and I saw how much a friendsip with my gf was bringing into his life. Then they occasionally resurfaced.

I wanted to say that, in a weird way, it's sweet you feel weird and guilty despite the women being ok with the situation. To me, it shows you really care and love them and want everyone involved to feel as equal and happy as you do. Just don't let the guilt overwhelm you. As long as communication is kept open and you're not forcing anything they don't want you have nothing real to be guilty about.
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Old 08-31-2009, 04:00 PM
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Hi, and welcome to the forum.

Wow. Many happy returns on the happiness of everyone in your V. May you live in peace and joy every day you are together.

You know, itís okay if you need to spend some time processing everything thatís happened. Itís a lot to take in, and some big adjustments to make in your life.
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Old 08-31-2009, 05:11 PM
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Thanks all

I guess I didn't really expect some kind of magic cure, though that would have been nice. The funny thing is, I've been giving them both very similar advice, but not taking it myself, apparently. For many concerns that they've had, I've just told them to give it time, let things happen naturally. Time makes almost everything better. And it's true for me too; if I just give it time, this feeling will dissipate. So, I suppose that's what I have to do.
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Old 09-01-2009, 09:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fastlymagic View Post
A "V"! I'm going to tell them both as soon as possible. It's exciting to have the right terminology. Clearly, I'm a poly noob

Okay, so I think you've got a lot of valid points there. When you said that a lot of that feeling for you was the strangeness of not sharing everything, that hit home for me. Like how, after the first time with Sue, I told Pam I wished she had been there. That wasn't me expressing my desire for group sex, but just the fact that Pam is such a part of me that, in an intimate setting, she's....supposed to be there. I miss her when she's at work and I'm at home. I miss her when I'm at work. If she's out of town for a night, I have trouble sleeping. So the idea of doing something so important, and having that mean being apart from her, that gives me problems.

But, you're also right that, for now, I do need to let things develop on their own. Pam, as excited and okay as she is with all this, is not ready to be together with Sue yet. Sue is much farther from being okay with that. We almost did something all together, and just coming close freaked Sue out. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy herself, but that she knew she hadn't done it for her, but only because she knew I wanted it. We talked afterward, and she told me this, and we determined that we definitely shouldn't even get into such a situation until it is something she wants. She's afraid, though, because she knows I do want that, and is afraid she'll never "come around."

So clearly its complicated, but I think you're pretty much right. Except that this still doesn't alleviate my feelings of weirdness and guild. I'll just have to wait and see if it goes away, I suppose. It's just strange because I'm usually very in touch with my emotions, but in this case, I'm not sure what I'm feeling. So I don't know how to deal with it.
Sorry I am quoting the whole of your post, its just that it takes forever for me to cut chunks out of text on my phone, so its faster if I don't.

I agree, time is all that is needed. I found that sitting back and allowing the "I am doing it for you" to turn into "I'm doing it because I like your other love" without medaling, really helpful. Now my two men and good friends and allies. They stand strong together as far as being sure what we have is good, but also against me and when they think I'm out to lunch. Not to mention in teasing! It took time to feel normal and time without me to get to really care for each other. You folks have only had two weeks! I'm talking months and months!
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