Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-07-2011, 05:59 PM
Dave Dave is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1
Default Trouble getting started...

Hi guys,

We're currently starting out on new relationship, and based on past experience, we both agree that we want to try a more open approach than the classical mono relationship. Not sure if we're going to tag it "polyamorous", but we're both confident that we will be able to figure out the details as we go along. So far, so good.

Oddly, we're finding it pretty hard to even get this started. Somehow, we want to avoid the classical mono path that we're so used to (and which we know is the path to the dark side), but we don't know how to. The relationship is new, we're both really excited about each other, and neither side is currently interested in other potential partners. But we also know that, if we continue down that path, it will likely lead us to the usual game of dependency/jealousy/ownership/inhibiting/fear of loss/etc. where we really don't want to be heading.

Seems like we would need a place holder of some sort, so the relationship stays open and we don't fall into those old patterns again. We even thought about deliberately having one affair each to "test" the waters and stay aware of the type of relationship we ultimately want, but that seems awfully artificial and even childish (in a not-so-funny way). On the other hand, we have good reason to believe that, once a mono relationship has gone past a certain point, and both sides have become used to mutual exclusivity, it is next to impossible to take those privileges away from each other again, without causing substantial damage to the relationship.

Oddly, it seems like, if we both already had an ongoing relationship, adding this new relationship on top of it would actually work best, because that way, the status quo would already be established (and both of us could definitely handle that). But of course, you cannot simulate such a situation.

Hope I make sense. Has anyone felt this dilemma before? Any advice would be greatly appreciated - thanks in advance!

Dave
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-07-2011, 06:11 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Sounds like you guys have a great attitude! Even though you aren't sure what form your relationship will take, why not try finding a local poly community in your area. If you can, meet people with similar thoughts and ideals about responsible non-monogamy in general. If you are as honest with others as you are with yourselves than perhaps you can find some people to share that journey with you who will be completyely informed.

Good luck
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-07-2011, 06:17 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,373
Default

I can relate. I just started dating again after my husband wanting a divorce and moving out. I am choosing to explore polyamory, and just started seeing a man who is fine with that. I have other flirtations and prospects, but no other lovers... yet. However, I have just been realizing that I don't need to be in a hurry to find an additional relationship. What I have with this man started out naturally, so adding someone else artificially just so I can say I'm "doing poly" is ridiculous! I don't want to go to events or parties where everyone is intent on just hooking up. You can date and go out without taking it very far, in order to feel like you still have your options open. Just ask people out and get to know them, you don't have to make every new person you meet a lover. And keep talking. For myself, I know it's up to me to prevent the backsliding into neediness and codependence, by focusing on me and my emotional health rather than the relationship itself.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-07-2011, 06:47 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave View Post
On the other hand, we have good reason to believe that, once a mono relationship has gone past a certain point, and both sides have become used to mutual exclusivity, it is next to impossible to take those privileges away from each other again, without causing substantial damage to the relationship.
I don't believe this. Relationships cycle and as someone else here said, they are fluid. Enjoy each other, spend the time of exclusivity getting to know your partner and learning how to communicate effectively. If you are communicating and know that you can talk to your partner about everything, then it shouldn't come as a surprise when either of you find someone else that could be another potential interest. I would think that you would want to share your excitement over a new potential with your partner and have her share in your excitement or be able to pull you back when you aren't thinking rationally.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-07-2011, 08:34 PM
Ithink Ithink is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 39
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I don't believe this. Relationships cycle and as someone else here said, they are fluid. Enjoy each other, spend the time of exclusivity getting to know your partner and learning how to communicate effectively. If you are communicating and know that you can talk to your partner about everything, then it shouldn't come as a surprise when either of you find someone else that could be another potential interest. I would think that you would want to share your excitement over a new potential with your partner and have her share in your excitement or be able to pull you back when you aren't thinking rationally.
I agree completely. Don't "trap" yourself with mono thinking. After 25 years together in a mono relationship my wife and I had a very satisfying Poly relationship for about 5 years. It all boils down to communication.
IThink
__________________
Otra Dia en el Paraisio
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:28 AM.