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  #591  
Old 01-01-2011, 05:33 AM
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So much going on for you RP. I am so sorry! Remember to try and take care of yourself while you are taking care of others.

I know for me, I got suicidal when I felt I was a burden to everyone, and that everyone would be happier without me there messing everything up. I can't say what pulled me out of it, but I know I was tired. I was so tired of fighting. It helped when people spent time with me, by making the plans. I didn't have to try to entertain people who were there to make me feel better. They already had a plan of stuff to do so off we went. It gave me something to look forward to that I didn't have to put forth the energy on. That gave me the opportunity to use the energy on repairing the damage and working on myself.
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  #592  
Old 01-02-2011, 06:37 AM
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My friend finally went back to the hospital after a couple of days at Derby's house. She admitted that if she were at home she would of tried again so Derby took her in. She came over afterwards to have a glass of wine and debrief. I drove her home where she was to be the host of the New Years party she was having... crazy fun night today though my friend was sent home! alarming and no one is quite sure what to do with that. Sigh...

My ex wife has been here all week. I took LB to visit her parents yesterday to have tea with them. I have known them for almost 20 years and they were never comfortable with me. Yesterday I think we reached a turning point. They could see how important LB's Auntie is to him and me and I made a point of telling them that she is family to us and therefore so are they. They looked confused, but accepting... they aren't used to people being as honest and open as I am but they didn't hate me for it as they did in the past... they just looked resigned.

I was particularly honoured that I received a book from my ex's father. He was so mean to me and treated his daughter poorly also throughout his life. I could see he was trying and made an attempt to meet him halfway by telling him I was honoured. It was a moving visit all around and continued to deepen the bond our family has with one another in terms of my ex and all of us.
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  #593  
Old 01-02-2011, 12:30 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
My friend finally went back to the hospital after a couple of days at Derby's house. She admitted that if she were at home she would of tried again so Derby took her in. ... today though my friend was sent home! alarming and no one is quite sure what to do with that. Sigh...
That constantly happens with my daughter. It's incredibly frustrating and scary.
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  #594  
Old 01-02-2011, 05:15 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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I shouldn't wait so long to catch up, I tell ya.

Seems like you hit a mild snafu coming into Christmas but you recovered like the Goddess you are.

I'm glad that has been, seemingly, very cut and dry clarity between you and Leo and his relationship with his wife. It seems that you are in a good place with it.

As far as your suicidal friend, as mentioned before, it's really a case-by-case analysis. We don't know her or the circumstances that drove her to the attempt so you would have the best insight about how to approach her in an attempt to offer support. It is really a catch 22. In my experience, you consider suicide because you don't want to be a burden to others and/or hurt them. On the other hand, you hesitate in committing suicide for the same reasons. So, you can say it can be viewed as selfish and selfless all at the same time. The most important aspect of it all is this, though... only the suicidal person knows what is affecting them; the suicidal person is the one who has to live that life and endure those challenges so no amount of 'forced consideration' is going to relieve them of that. That is something that more people on the outside looking in should consider as they ask a suicidal person to stay or consider everyone else around them. I mean, at that point in that person's life, there is something of substance missing in those relationships. We have to help them find that substance in whatever way best works for that individual. I've had three suicide attempts and my mother would always comment on how I should consider how she would feel if someone called her to tell her I had killed myself. Coming across to a suicidal person, I viewed that as selfishness which, really, made my desire to die even stronger because it would alleviate that emotional burden permanently and she'd never again have to sit up and worry about me and my well-being. So, as I said, it just really is a unique situation for each individual and, really knowing that person, helps point you in better direction regarding recovery. I have had several close people in my life commit suicide and no matter what I attempted to do I always felt helpless. Ultimately, I wish your friend all the best.

Your statement about kids being a little slice of heaven and hell is so accurate. I persevere everyday for my children, even though, my now 17 year old son is pushing me closer and closer to the edge quarterly. Alas, I couldn't see myself without their spirits in my life in the same capacity. My daughter is a preteen and is raised between myself and her dad's family so we're preparing ourselves. I've discovered so many amazing things about myself throughout the 18 years of motherhood with my own children and children of my partners and/or family members whom I have raised at various intervals. It also allowed me to live vicariously through their childhood since mine was a bit mature and traumatic. Now that my kids are older kids, I find myself desiring that connection with younger children, so much so, that I am currently seeking volunteer opportunities with children (hospital, orphan, or shelter).

I am glad that you have been surrounded by love, RP, and have been able to open express yourselves to those inside and outside of your circle.

May the new year bring you much more happiness, growth, and love. *hugs*
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  #595  
Old 01-02-2011, 05:39 PM
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Much hugs to you and your friend .

I hope she pulls out of this downward spiral & becomes a whole new better and improved friend!

If your friend is reading this: may your life do a complete 180. May you find comfort and support at every turn. May you find love and happiness, from others and in yourself, in this brand new year. Many hugs going out to you & lots of healing thoughts and energy are coming your way.
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  #596  
Old 01-07-2011, 01:28 AM
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There is so much going on right now its hard to get here to update.

My friend is okay, I think. I texted her just now and she hasn't answered... that isn't unusual though. We had a lovely women's meet of 17 women and she got a lot of support. There was a lot of complaining about the system and how it doesn't work that kind of made me feel like I was at work but I suppose people have to vent. I just kind of block it out now and find the root of what can be done. I don't think there was much interest in that though, so I have backed away and will check on things every now and then... other people have stepped in that want to listen and be there, so I don't feel I am needed so much and so intensely...

Leo and I are struggling... he and his wife are doing well, me and my partners are doing well as a result of some work around communicating and setting boundaries around that and other things. but there is lots left to do.

He and his wife communicate differently than I do and that is where the struggle is. I think it's important that everyone be involved when there is a love interest of any kind between two people that have other partners. I think that it works better, and have experienced as such. It just seems to work better to talk to everyone and be sure that everyone has had the space to talk, even if they don't want to and don't need to. Leo and is wife do not think this way. Then again they haven't had an experience that has led them to think differently because they have been hanging out with swingers.

They think that they should talk together and that if something comes up then Leo will let me know. I don't need to talk to his wife and further more he would prefer, or she would prefer, not sure which, that I don't. It makes him feel uncomfortable that I am uncomfortable and he wonders if I trust him. I do trust him, but that isn't the point... I don't trust her because I haven't heard from her, even when I've reached out and sent an email. I know she has been jealous, I know that she has struggled with me at times anyway in the last two years and I would like to think that she would be open to working on that, but she isn't interested, or scared, or.... I don't know what, because she doesn't want/feel the need to talk about it.

I think it is going to keep me at a distance from him actually. He told me that he tells his wife everything that we say and do and that makes me uncomfortable also. I like some element of privacy in my relationships and I don't think our relationship is her business... at least not every detail anyway. I tell him some really private stuff about myself and I don't really want it repeated... I have noticed that when I see him again after talking to him about things that are private that he has formed an opinion and pushes me in such a way that suggests that he has talked about it. I suspect with his wife... I know how his mind works enough to know that what he says later might not of entirely come from him and him alone. Does that make sense?

Really it just seems that he is very new to all this. I tried to explain last night that in poly it isn't about a couple that goes out and does poly. It's about people going out and doing poly... they may have partners that mean more or that they rely on more for specific reasons... but "the person" is an individual. He has been used to swinging where it is couplecentric and everything comes from that and returns to that... I am asking for something entirely different. I really don't think he gets that or understands it.

Part of me wonders if he thinks its worth it if we aren't going to be so close that sex is involved. I wonder that too and no doubt everyone else does also... I am so unsure where the lines are because every relationship I have had like this has ended up being bonded with sex. I feel that bond for him, but without sex it almost feels like the commitment to it isn't there. I can't commit to the longevity of it.

I am curious to see what happens next but really I am rather frightened. I am getting in deep with him in a connected way and really fear being hurt.... He says that he loves to be with me, loves everything about me and the sex doesn't matter, he would anyway... he is in it for the long haul as that is just who he is. So is this something I trust also... blindly? That is a lot of trust for a woman that is used to being in control and dominating that relationship dynamic to a certain extent... he is asking that I submit to him I think... at least it feels very submissive and I am uncomfortably curious about that at this point.

I don't know if my heart could stand to be broken again after so many times I have trusted and made myself vulnerable... but, what else can I do. I don't live a life that keeps me sheltered from things like this... I never have. I will severely regret it if I don't allow myself to just trust and keep positive.
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  #597  
Old 01-07-2011, 04:19 PM
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/\ Nice post Love. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself
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  #598  
Old 01-07-2011, 04:45 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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RP, what about giving leo and his wife that space for a time. The couplecentric part might be what they need to reach comfort together. Their pace has been dual for so long, breaking that could really hurt one or the other. The couple part is a commonground to work up from, not necessarily the end goal. How many poly people started as couples and worked their way to independence.

I don't know how long you have given so this may be moot.

The intimate discretion is something that can be fixed I believe, regardless of their couplecentricness. This shouldn't be tied imo. Privacy in a relationship is important
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  #599  
Old 01-07-2011, 05:56 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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The intimate discretion is something that can be fixed I believe, regardless of their couplecentricness. This shouldn't be tied imo. Privacy in a relationship is important
This is what I was going to say too. It should be up to you who gets to share in your life and how much. I think you have every right to ask for what you share to be kept between the two of you. She doesn't have the right to know anything that you're not willing to share with her yourself. It also seems one sided that she gets all this blow by blow info about you and on the other hand doesn't want to open up to you at all.
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  #600  
Old 01-07-2011, 08:33 PM
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Very good point derby. I will mention that to him. Although he tells me lots about her so it is kind of even.

Thanks Ari, derby mentioned that yesterday and I think its an awesome idea. I had already backed away but sometimes just someone suggesting that makes me realize that I'm doing that and that is the best bet.

Thanks! I appreciate to input. I have been really stumped.
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