Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #511  
Old 01-05-2011, 12:27 PM
TL4everu2's Avatar
TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Clearwater, Fl.
Posts: 907
Default

Welcome back Mo. We missed you. Drama is part of our lives. Wish you had less, but I have my own too. So we are in good company I guess.

Good luck with yours. It doesn't seem "unfixable". Remember, everyone must compromise to make things work.
__________________
There is a lid for every pot...Sometimes even two or three...
Reply With Quote
  #512  
Old 01-05-2011, 11:49 PM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Why is it so hard for people to accept that as we learn and grow, we change? Having a talk with Pandas husband because he thinks I've changed and not for the better.

"You have changed from the strong neutral voice of reason to the husband defender. Slowly but surely logic has escaped your larger decisions and it worries me alot. I'm not the only to notice but I'm probably the only one with the balls to say it because your my friends. I'm blessed to have such close people but they are changing and I fear for the worse"

I do defend my husband, when I think he is right. I still have no problem telling him when I think he's wrong.

Our marriage is stronger than ever. So we have changed. We don't fight all the time anymore, we sit down and talk. For us fighting is an odd form of forplay, so we do still fight . On occassion.

When I asked him for examples he suddenly had a call he had to go take call.


My theory? They can't support us, either because they don't have that level of intimacy and are jealous or other reasons I am oblivious to, but whatever the reason. Karma and I have grown and changed and are better people than we were. Panda and Mr. Panda can't handle the change because it throws in their face their issues, and because they don't know how to adjust to how we've changed.

I don't even know if any of that makes sense. But I'm just kind of upset that instead of supporting us, they're throwing stones.

Last edited by Mohegan; 01-05-2011 at 11:56 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #513  
Old 01-06-2011, 12:17 AM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,503
Default

I also noticed that as my relationship with my husband improved, I am also defending him more. Because we are getting along better, we spend more time discussing our opinions and I have a better understanding of his thought process. Usually, it's not really about defending his opinion (he can usually hold his own on that front), but when something or someone hurts or mistreats him, the claws come out. I think part of this is that I am much more aware of his feelings/moods and he is also more willing to express to me when he has been "hurt".

Panda and Mr. Panda probably can't handle the changes you guys have made because they just don't understand it and have no way to comprehend it. You guys have kinda hit fast forward and made strides that take some couples a lifetime and you still have goals of further progress. The training wheels are gone and you're now on the 10 speed (I know today's bikes have around 15, my age is showing), so you can start climbing the really big hills.

Last edited by SNeacail; 01-06-2011 at 12:49 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #514  
Old 01-06-2011, 12:29 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Thanks SN that's a great way to put it! I think in someways it falls into what Sage was talking about in her thread about people thinking she is a victim. Like I said there, I'm not a damn victim! I really fucking proud of where we are now. But because it is so foreign to some people, they can only make sense of it by thinking I am his puppet on a string. Which if they knew my husband at all, would know that is one of his biggest turn offs. He likes being stood up to.
Reply With Quote
  #515  
Old 01-06-2011, 03:05 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Karma finaly got an example out of Mr Panda. When Panda first moved to NC to be with him, she and Karma got into a huge fight about somethings he had said. Thing is what he said was true. He said it harshly and in almost uncalled for way, but it was the truth. So they got the point of her sobbing to Mr Panda while he was at work and had no idea what was going on. He called me and when I explained, he seemed to agree with me. He went home talked her into talking to me ( I told him I didnt think it would do much good as I agreed with Karma, but he felt it would help her see she was be irrational). That was one of our only fights. She did not want to hear what I had to say, because I wasnt telling her that Karma was wrong and an ass and deserved the wrath of hell. All this time Mr Panda had agreed with us.

So his example to Karma, is that Mr Panda talked Panda down and got her to see where she was wrong, and I didnt do that with Karma. WTF. 1. I did get Karma to see that how he made his point was cruel. The point was still correct and needed to be made, but he went about it in a cruel way. 2. I'm his wife, not his brain washer. It is not my job to tell him he's wrong and get him to comprmise his beliefs, especialy not when I don't think he's wrong! I try hard to NEVER impose on people like that. We are all entitled to our beliefs and opinions. I may disagree with you, and give you my take on things, but I still have no right to tell you your feelings are wrong. But apparently because I didn't compromise my own beliefs and side with Panda, I am weak and a puppet on my husbands strings.

His other example was that I should have never made leaving the Darkon country an ultimatum. Again WTF!

I told them I would not be a part of a country that included this individual, but as much as it was my right to leave, it was their right to choose to vote him back in. They did, and I left. Mr Panda said he never knew me to put that type of pressure on others. Well, I've never been put in a situation where I had to make that choice while knowing him.

I am usualy a pretty on the fence person when it comes to these types of things. I'm a good mediator for my friends because I can see both sides. But in those times, where I feel very strongly and deeply for my opinion or belief, I will take a side. As I did with the vote. I will not have my name associated with the filth that he brings. That is a compromise I will not make.

But in Mr Pandas eyes, I was only taking Karmas side and putting people in a situation to choose.

Maybe I did put them in a place to choose. Because they should open their eyes and see him for what he is. They didn't. They chose him over someone who has done nothing but give to them. That hurts. I spent 3 years spending my free time working on shit for that country. Nights spent sewing into the wee hours so they all had uniforms or covers for their weapons.

And my thanks was being told I am weak, malible puppet, who can no longer think for herself, and they'd rather have worthless filth than me.


I'm begining to wonder if the relationship with Panda and Mr Panda is salvagable, or if I even want to try.
Reply With Quote
  #516  
Old 01-06-2011, 07:53 AM
Cricket's Avatar
Cricket Cricket is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 71
Default

I'm totally the wrong person to give advice to you or Karma on this particular topic. I'm shamelessly biased and probably being unfair because the people I care about were treated badly.

I never clicked with Panda, never liked her, never trusted her. I have a hard time trusting women, and it makes it harder that her personality and mine are...not very well suited to each other.

I feel like their actions in this whole thing completely disrespected everything you and Karma have put into making the country work while Panda and Mr. Panda are away. Karma was asked to take charge for the time being, from what I understand. You've been the country's mom. To turn around and treat you both that way, when you'd both taken on huge burdens and lots of stress for the country...

It pissed me off, and made me decide that a friendship with Panda and Mr. Panda isn't something I want to try to cultivate in my life - not if this is how they treat their friends over something like a difference in opinion of how a country that they aren't fighting for on a regular basis should be run.
Neither of them are here to run things. The way they run things has not brought in many new members, and it hasn't exactly galvanized the current ones into more regular action.

Honestly, I see a lot of the sudden friction as being a reflection of the issues the two of them have with each other and with themselves.

I'm sorry things have gotten so rough, though. I know once you guys really valued this friendship. Sometimes, friends just outgrow each other, or reach periods when other parts of their lives make it necessary to put other relationships on hold.

Perhaps the new distance will be the room everyone needs to keep growing, and things will be easier after the growing pains pass.

Last edited by Cricket; 01-06-2011 at 07:55 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #517  
Old 01-06-2011, 08:13 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cricket View Post
I'm totally the wrong person to give advice to you or Karma on this particular topic. I'm shamelessly biased and probably being unfair because the people I care about were treated badly.
Doubtful

I never clicked with Panda, never liked her, never trusted her. I have a hard time trusting women, and it makes it harder that her personality and mine are...not very well suited to each other.
I've never completely trusted her either. She never gave me reason too. And then to do the things she did with Karma and lie to my fucking face about it, I lost what little I had then and there. At least when confronted, you were straight up honest.
I feel like their actions in this whole thing completely disrespected everything you and Karma have put into making the country work while Panda and Mr. Panda are away. Karma was asked to take charge for the time being, from what I understand. You've been the country's mom. To turn around and treat you both that way, when you'd both taken on huge burdens and lots of stress for the country...
Yeah, well that's why we left.
It pissed me off, and made me decide that a friendship with Panda and Mr. Panda isn't something I want to try to cultivate in my life - not if this is how they treat their friends over something like a difference in opinion of how a country that they aren't fighting for on a regular basis should be run.
Neither of them are here to run things. The way they run things has not brought in many new members, and it hasn't exactly galvanized the current ones into more regular action.
And a lot of people have told them that. They won't lsiten and will quickly see the fall of what was once a great thing. There is an original member talking about coming back from states away to fight beside Karma and show them how he feels about said disrespect. I usualy don't go out to Darkon, I do my thing behind the scenes, but if he does come, I may show up for that.
Honestly, I see a lot of the sudden friction as being a reflection of the issues the two of them have with each other and with themselves.
That. Times billions. So many others have seen the same and said the same. And it's sad. I've tried so hard to help them, to tell them to not band aid their issues, fix them. But instead they point fingers and throw stones.
I'm sorry things have gotten so rough, though. I know once you guys really valued this friendship. Sometimes, friends just outgrow each other, or reach periods when other parts of their lives make it necessary to put other relationships on hold.
Yeah, I know all to well how that happens. I'm saddened by it, but honesty I've seen it coming for awhile.
Perhaps the new distance will be the room everyone needs to keep growing, and things will be easier after the growing pains pass.

One can hope. I lost what little bit I had left for them when Panda started bad mouthing Karma. After all the hard fucking work he has put in to getting his head straight and learning what emotions are and how to handle them and she acted like a bitch! Yelling at him for not understanding something, that he told her he didn't understand and asked her to explain. I saw red after that.
I do hold out hope. More Karmas sake than my own. I've already made peace with the bullshit and it ending. I don't like having toxic people in my life. We discussed my issues with her the other night and she told me she felt like a horrible friend and she didn't deserve me, but she's "an abrassive cunt and it won't change". Well yeah with that attitude it won't. Becuase I know inside that isn't all she is. That's her defence, not who she is. And if we've desolved to her using this attitude with me, well, then I guess I had my answer. If that's the Panda I get, mixed with the trust that has already been lost, I don't know what is left there to save.
Reply With Quote
  #518  
Old 01-06-2011, 10:21 AM
Karma's Avatar
Karma Karma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Wherever I'm needed.
Posts: 404
Default

I am done with this.

I have worked so hard for this happiness. I'm not done working yet - not by a long shot - but you two are responsible for me being where I am right now.

And they want to throw stones at you two? Out of JEALOUSY?! Out of anger for you giving me the strength to rise above all of this? Out of me having something that they either want or fear, because they either want the same or are too weak to deal with it?

This is not how someone who really cares for me would act. I would never do this do them, were the roles reversed. I would be happy for them.

Sin is right. "It's time to end this sick mockery of what we worked and bled to create." He may have just been talking about the country...

... but I'm not.
__________________
This is my family. It may be little, and broken, but it's still good. Yeah, still good.
Reply With Quote
  #519  
Old 01-06-2011, 10:30 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

You made me cry baby. I love you.
Reply With Quote
  #520  
Old 01-06-2011, 12:26 PM
TL4everu2's Avatar
TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Clearwater, Fl.
Posts: 907
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karma View Post
I am done with this.

I have worked so hard for this happiness. I'm not done working yet - not by a long shot - but you two are responsible for me being where I am right now.

And they want to throw stones at you two? Out of JEALOUSY?! Out of anger for you giving me the strength to rise above all of this? Out of me having something that they either want or fear, because they either want the same or are too weak to deal with it?

This is not how someone who really cares for me would act. I would never do this do them, were the roles reversed. I would be happy for them.

Sin is right. "It's time to end this sick mockery of what we worked and bled to create." He may have just been talking about the country...

... but I'm not.
I feel your pain right this moment....I really do
__________________
There is a lid for every pot...Sometimes even two or three...
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cheating, compulsive lying, deception, forgiveness

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:25 AM.