Mono females & poly lovers

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by monolicious

In the poly community monogamy is often looked down upon or considered "less evolved". I really had to wade through feeling bad and beating myself up that I couldn't be poly.

I think this is the case for most monos who move into a poly community through chance or circumstance. I certainly felt and experienced this. I also struggled with people even believing that a person could actually be monogamous LOL!

On the flip side, poly people can catch a lot of abuse and derogatory sentiments from the mono community who often find it impossible to believe a person can be "in love" with two people. So it is definitely a two way street.

[monolicious]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

On the flip side, poly people can catch a lot of abuse and derogatory sentiments from the mono community who often find it impossible to believe a person can be "in love" with two people. So it is definitely a two way street.

Oh, I'm totally aware of the poly prejudice as well, and I think it makes me equally sad (though it doesn't hit me as personally).

But I often feel like I'm riding a rare fence- living a mono life with a poly partner. Poly communities and forums don't exactly address my issues, and neither does the mainstream mono community. And I suppose my husband feels the same- he is a poly person with a mono wife he loves. Some poly forums literally say that if you are poly you should run away from mono people as fast as you can.

It's a mixed marriage- and that has its own unique challenges.

One reason I'm really glad I found this group.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by monolicious

But I often feel like I'm riding a rare fence- living a mono life with a poly partner. .

I admittedly spent a lot of time hovering between the two communities. I have never felt actually really connected to any social group though, so effectively feeling like a community of one is not uncomfortable to me. I enjoy our poly community a lot now and have found a place within it. I can be completely open with Redpepper amongst those friends. I do not have that freedom with most of my mono friends.

I understand the advice that poly people should avoid mono people for intimate relationships just as I usually discourage monos from dating polyamorous people. It makes sense to share your love with someone who truly understands "how you love" and communicates love the same way you do; monos often with exclusivity and pollies often with openness and expansiveness. Monos often feel inadequate and somewhat loved less I think and poly people often feel suppressed and manipulated. BUT sometimes it really works and through intense work, communication and respect a deeper level of love and connection can be reached and it is healthy and wonderful

[sage]

Yep, but I feel this thread should be :monos and poly lovers. It is a unique enough niche without limiting it to females.

I have my blog, which seems to serve the silent majority, because it gets lots of hits and very few comments; the poly/mono group on yahoo, which is great for support, this group which is just great and my new years resolution is to "come out" with confidence in everyday life.

[Rachelina]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

If so - how did you 'cross that line' ?
What reasoning did you discover that allowed you to see that your own wants and needs might be met regardless of a different set of needs in your partner ?

This is a really interesting question to me because I have just "crossed the line" myself and it's hard to say what made it happen. Some of the ingredients included:

* my husband showering me with love
* talking about everything, both with him and his girlfriend
* getting to know her
* a lot of introspection
* a lot of crying
* spending a lot of time reading on this forum

No single one of these could have made it happen without the others, and most importantly with plenty of time for the process to work itself out within me. It didn't happen consciously, although I did consciously *aspire* to make it happen. It was like this mysterious alchemical process that I don't fully understand.

And I am still amazed by it: in August when they spent a night together (but with no sex) it was the most painful night of my entire life. But when she was here last week (she lives far away and was visiting for Christmas) I was able to give them a night in our bed, sex not off limits this time, while I slept on the couch downstairs and I was actually truly happy about it, I felt real compersion. And I had no idea I would be capable of that until it happened. I don't think it's something you can control....you just need to make sure the ingredients are there and then give it all plenty of time to simmer inside you.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Rachelina

But when she was here last week (she lives far away and was visiting for Christmas) I was able to give them a night in our bed, sex not off limits this time, while I slept on the couch downstairs and I was actually truly happy about it, I felt real compersion. .

Hats off to you my friend!! That is a wonderful gift you gave them both and I am glad you are healthy in it I'm not sure if you are a person who feels or believes in the concept of tangible energy but I am curious; if you do believe in energy in that way, has it changed in your room and bed since that night?

[Rachelina]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Hats off to you my friend!! That is a wonderful gift you gave them both and I am glad you are healthy in it I'm not sure if you are a person who feels or believes in the concept of tangible energy but I am curious; if you do believe in energy in that way, has it changed in your room and bed since that night?

Yes, I do feel/believe in that sort of energy, but it hasn't changed at all. Maybe because I was so happy to be doing it....or rather, for them to be doing it . It was coming from me, it was my idea. Also, I've come to feel like whatever happens between them isn't outside our marriage, but rather a part of it. I hope that isn't too co-dependent or anything; it feels right. Even though I don't know all the details of their love, it's all happening within the context of our marriage, so it doesn't feel like anything strange or foreign happened in our bed. Forming a close friendship with her also made it easier for me to give them that space together.

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by monolicious

..........
I think you are asking about "thoughtful" decision making, rather than reactionary emotional discovery.

However, when it comes to relationships, humans are rarely logical. One doesn't know what one feels until one feels it.

Well ! I just discovered this thread kept going after I thought it died. (The notification system has been sketchy for me at least lately)

I think moving over to poly in this culture does require a certain level of logical analysis and decision making. It requires you to sit down and have a little conversation with yourself regarding questions such as....

What IS love ? What does it mean to me and how do I want it to manifest?

What is a 'relationship'. Why would I want to be in one - or more ? What will I expect to get from it - and what will be expected of me ?

and more similar questions..............

The reason for the OP was partially selfish and partially general information. Over a few years I've discovered several 'connections', solid potential love connections, but with people who identified strictly mono. Their response of course was 'well - "if only you weren't married etc" and followed by some comment about being what we refer to as the 'mono mindset'. There was absolutely no inclination to consider any alternatives even after I explained that there ARE other alternatives out here - and ones that offer many advantages and work very nicely. No. End of discussion.

Now someone might say it was just my bad luck, the particular people that I happened across. But I see this as much more. It's part of the established mentality/culture.

So I tossed out this post in hopes of getting some 'real life' feedback from people who had been at this point at one time in their life and made a different choice. A choice to at least look and investigate. Someone who had survived the shock of having their belief system shattered and rebuilt in a different form. And especially someone(s) that that are glad they did !

Thanks again everyone !

GS

[sage]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

The reason for the OP was partially selfish and partially general information. Over a few years I've discovered several 'connections', solid potential love connections, but with people who identified strictly mono. Their response of course was 'well - "if only you weren't married etc" and followed by some comment about being what we refer to as the 'mono mindset'. There was absolutely no inclination to consider any alternatives even after I explained that there ARE other alternatives out here - and ones that offer many advantages and work very nicely. No. End of discussion.

Now someone might say it was just my bad luck, the particular people that I happened across. But I see this as much more. It's part of the established mentality/culture.

So I tossed out this post in hopes of getting some 'real life' feedback from people who had been at this point at one time in their life and made a different choice. A choice to at least look and investigate. Someone who had survived the shock of having their belief system shattered and rebuilt in a different form. And especially someone(s) that that are glad they did !
GS

We have discussed this earlier in the thread. I think the consensus was that where there is already a solid loving relationship or marriage monos will and do adapt, especially if they can still get everything they want out of a relationship that has turned from mono to poly.

My partner has found, as you have, that it is more unlikely for monos being asked to come into an already established relationship, to consider this relationship alternative. Having found a poly group to mix with he finds it much easier to even be able to ask other women out for coffee, movies etc without being looked at with suspicion.

Opening yourself up emotionally is a risk. I can fully understand why mono women wouldn't want to go there with a poly guy. There is a little thread warning about poly men that sums it up quite well.

[Indigomontoya]

I have to second that this needs to be expanded to Mono's with poly lovers. I think that dabbling in both worlds has left me with the feeling that I am not fully accepted in either anymore.

That being said, I don't mind being in limbo...Mono and I have a party, it's great...but that being said I think the point has been made that we adapt, and I think it's very true.