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  #121  
Old 01-05-2011, 04:54 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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There is a difference between apologizing and "being sorry".

"being sorry" is when you regret something.

Apologizing is when you acknowledge YOUR part in something that didn't go right.

You do not have to "be sorry" to make a sincere apology. The two are neither interdependent nor mutually exclusive.
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  #122  
Old 01-05-2011, 08:11 PM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
There is a difference between apologizing and "being sorry".

"being sorry" is when you regret something.

Apologizing is when you acknowledge YOUR part in something that didn't go right.

You do not have to "be sorry" to make a sincere apology. The two are neither interdependent nor mutually exclusive.

The guideline I follow is to be true to myself and others as much as possible and hope for the best.

It's not an exact science.

Last edited by Olderwoman; 01-05-2011 at 08:14 PM.
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  #123  
Old 01-05-2011, 08:23 PM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
There is a difference between apologizing and "being sorry".

You do not have to "be sorry" to make a sincere apology. The two are neither interdependent nor mutually exclusive.

I am curious though, about how that would go.

"I'm not really sorry, but I do sincerely apologize." (?)
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  #124  
Old 01-05-2011, 08:52 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
I am curious though, about how that would go.

"I'm not really sorry, but I do sincerely apologize." (?)
Looks like you have something new to meditate about.
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  #125  
Old 01-05-2011, 09:15 PM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Looks like you have something new to meditate about.
I was thinking just the opposite. Do you meditate?

Seriously, how do you think anyone would feel after hearing an apology like that?

What kind of response do you think I would get in this case from an apology like that?

If it sounds good to you, maybe I will start using it.

"I'm not really sorry, but I sincerely apologize."

Yep I like it. I like it a lot.

I reminds me of the phony used car salesman who read the book "Think and Grow Rich" and was all excited that he had learned all the secrets. He told his boss, --- > "Now all I have to do is learn to fake sincerity."

<warning sarcasm here>

I now want to take this time to say to all used car salesmen who might be reading this and who might be offended: I am not really sorry but I do sincerely apologize.

</end of sarcasm>

I've had a lot of fun with this discussion.
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  #126  
Old 01-05-2011, 09:20 PM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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@Olderwoman

It would help me more if you could simply answer the questions I stated very simply in my response, rather than going off on the tangent that I am oviously having difficulty understanding.

Yes/No would have worked a hell of a lot better. Your apology is mostly meaningless given the passive-agressive nature of your words above it. I will however, for my own sanity, accept the gesture.

Your words and the way you speak, I realise now, remind me of my ex (though not as bad) in the way you will cannot answer a question with a simple yes or no, and go off on a tangent designed to attempt to make me apologise to you for my "bad behaviour" in not understanding your thought process.

He has recently been tentatively diagnosed as a Borderline Personality, and has been extremely abusive towards not only myself but our children.

This similarity between your communication styles is what is setting me off. However, that said, I still do not understand you (I never understood him either) and will do myself (and everyone else) a favour by not trying to anymore. This is for a need to maintain my own precarious balance, and my own focus, this misunderstanding between us has niggled at me and that is not good.

I wish you all the best on here and hope you find what you are looking for.
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  #127  
Old 01-05-2011, 09:36 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post


I've had a lot of fun with this discussion.
I'm glad for you.
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  #128  
Old 01-05-2011, 09:55 PM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
@Olderwoman

It would help me more if you could simply answer the questions I stated very simply in my response, rather than going off on the tangent that I am oviously having difficulty understanding.
That post was a very long yes or no question. If all you want to know is if you understand me correctly, the answer is (apparently and clearly) ....NO.

At the risk of going off on another "passive aggressive tangent" I will summarize or rephrase my answer below:

I do my best to be true to myself and others and hope for the best.

(Communication is not an exact science.)

P.S.
Now I will go meditate and see if I can find the source of my passive aggressive energy.

Last edited by Olderwoman; 01-05-2011 at 09:59 PM.
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  #129  
Old 01-05-2011, 10:01 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
I am curious though, about how that would go.

"I'm not really sorry, but I do sincerely apologize." (?)
The difference is this: Often you realize that it's more important to take care of the people around you than to be right about something. If you think about that, it is easy to be genuine and apologize, even if you aren't really sorry. The apology is an acknowledgment of having hurt them, or having created an environment in which they feel hurt, and a gesture of surrendering to something greater (the relationship), or calling a truce, so that resentments do not remain in the way and the relationship can move forward. Sometimes it takes a bit of swallowing one's pride, but when the other person knows you are making an effort, healing takes place. Very wise teachers of mine have said many times that we all have two choices, being right or being alive. Digging one's heels in about being "right" only gives you that - being righteous. Whoopee. Apologizing and moving forward leads to aliveness. Sometimes an apology is only symbolic, but it still does much to soothe and heal wounds.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-05-2011 at 10:04 PM.
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  #130  
Old 01-05-2011, 10:31 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The difference is this: Often you realize that it's more important to take care of the people around you than to be right about something. If you think about that, it is easy to be genuine and apologize, even if you aren't really sorry. The apology is an acknowledgment of having hurt them, or having created an environment in which they feel hurt, and a gesture of surrendering to something greater (the relationship), or calling a truce, so that resentments do not remain in the way and the relationship can move forward. Sometimes it takes a bit of swallowing one's pride, but when the other person knows you are making an effort, healing takes place. Very wise teachers of mine have said many times that we all have two choices, being right or being alive. Digging one's heels in about being "right" only gives you that - being righteous. Whoopee. Apologizing and moving forward leads to aliveness. Sometimes an apology is only symbolic, but it still does much to soothe and heal wounds.
recently something like this happened to me. i was at a roller derby game and one of the other referees took something i said the wrong way. although i definitely didn't mean it in a bad way, and i definitely thought he was over-reacting, i acknowledged that what i said was unnecessary and APOLOGIZED. However, I was not "sorry" for saying it because I didn't MEAN to offend. I didn't apologize in a hostile, sarcastic way like Olderwoman suggested ("I'm not really sorry, but I sincerely apologize" - that is NOT "sincere"), I simply said "I didn't mean it like that, but you're right, I probably shouldn't have said it at all."

So, Older Woman, THAT is how I apologize without being sorry.
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