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  #11  
Old 01-05-2011, 08:36 AM
Sourel Sourel is offline
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First off, I'm really grateful for all your replies.
The second pregnancy was an accident too - I felt so dead that I didn't even think I could conceive. I guess from my side there was a fair amount of subconscious desire for a child going on too. My husband saw the pregnancies as a negation of our commitment to work on our relationship, a negation of him and he didn't have the guts to talk to me about it. Both of us made mistakes though his mistakes are the ones that society condemns.

I have struggled to reach this position where I refuse to accept that these three women are rebaptized as poly and all is right in the world... I've been trying to find your story LovingRadiance but you've got a lot of posts and blogposts. My husband does love me, and as I affirm my position I think he's realizing that he will have to let go of these women if he wants to stay with me. That's tough for him, sure, but the more I move over to his position the more distanced I become from my own. The entire context of this adultery - 6 weeks after our wedding (a more spiritual, loving and non-traditional wedding you could not find!), the miscarriage and the grieving that I was going through, the horrible way he treated me during this time, Xmas at my folks with him at my parents' computer every two minutes with them, me learning about it the night before the amnio (which carries a 1/100 risk of miscarriage) - was nothing short of traumatic. I was suicidal at one point. I certainly wasn't feeling any of the extra love radiating out from poly love. That I came back from that is a testament to the love I feel for my husband and recognition of my own failings in our relationship. I'm ready to change our relationship to a poly one (leaky breasts and stretchmarks anyone?) so that my husband gets all the love and attention that he needs. But why should I be the only person picking up the tab? What does he sacrifice? If I accept his deal his life continues just as before only better coz he doesn't have to lie anymore.
When I envisage future poly relationships I would like to believe that I will be able to feel kindly and benevolent towards the other people my husband loves. I can't do that with these women. They had honorable choices : they could have said 'Vin, I'm so attracted to you, really want to jump your bones but please, sort your shit out first. I don't want you this way.' And my husband also had honorable choices...

My big question is whether this a 'normal' request in poly terms, that previous adulterous relationships get 'upgraded'...

Keep talking! I'm listening!
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  #12  
Old 01-05-2011, 09:56 AM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deuce View Post
I don't think you can compare LovingR with Sourel's Husband as I think LovingR had way more respect for her husband in the end than Sourel's husband has for her. JMHO.
This... way more respect and has done the hard work, and more...

Also... a guy that 'can be great' is no where near as good as a guy that IS great, ALL THE TIME.

And from what you have written Sourel... You are a GREAT woman who deserves a partner who respects that, every second of every day. At the very basic, you deserve a partner who is by your side through thick and thin, and this guy wasn't... who the hell has time to take on three new relationships while their 'primary' partner (who thinks she is 'sole' partner) is dealing with pregnancy, miscarriage and then another difficult pregnancy (exacerbated by his lower than disgusting behaviour) followed by the early birth and the ongoing premmie complications?

Where the hell does he get off making demands of you in such a manner - let alone at such times?

Why - oh - why were lynch mobs outlawed? *Joking and yet... this guy deserves it*

JMHO

Edit: Just saw your last post Sourel.

The main question I can't answer - have no clue in fact :P... but I feel for you. In My opinion LOL as seen above... your husband really needs to stop seeing these other women and focus on sorting things out properly with you. He may need some sort of reassurance from you that will allow him to let go, if only for a little while. If he can't do that, then you both need to negotiate based on that absolute of his, and your absolute on everything else... meet in the middle somewhere... and know in yourself, so you can reassure him... that you will relook at things in x weeks/months.

There ARE other posts on here that deal with this - try doing a tag search on cheating...

Good luck, big hugs
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Last edited by FlameKat; 01-05-2011 at 10:04 AM. Reason: Missed a post in first reading
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  #13  
Old 01-05-2011, 02:05 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Oh my gosh, this just keeps getting worse and worse. He cheated on you with not one, not two, but three women right after a meaningful and spiritual wedding ceremony and a miscarriage! Argh, with all the work feminists have done to empower women, I am horrified this kind of thing still goes on in male/female relationships.

No way can this arrangement transition to polyamory. Those 3 women are vampires. Who would fuck a guy whose wife just had a miscarriage and was swamped with grief? Much less to continue to fuck him as she gets pregnant again and delivers so early?

As for the second conception, it should've been his responsibility to glove that cock of his. He should've been cherishing and protecting you at that vulnerable time, not knocking you up and continuing to cheat.

Leaky breasts? You're nourishing your very early and probably ill premie and keeping his spawn as healthy and strong as possible! BTW, my ex used to love to suck my milky breasts, he got a charge out of it.

Stretch marks? Tiger stripes! Badges of courage! He should be worshiping the ground you walk on.

Grrrrrr...!

If you do decide to stay with this man, I implore you to demand he drops those whores of his, and enter into counseling with you. Something is very very wrong here.
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  #14  
Old 01-05-2011, 03:04 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Oh my gosh, this just keeps getting worse and worse. He cheated on you with not one, not two, but three women right after a meaningful and spiritual wedding ceremony and a miscarriage! Argh, with all the work feminists have done to empower women, I am horrified this kind of thing still goes on in male/female relationships.

No way can this arrangement transition to polyamory. Those 3 women are vampires. Who would fuck a guy whose wife just had a miscarriage and was swamped with grief? Much less to continue to fuck him as she gets pregnant again and delivers so early?

As for the second conception, it should've been his responsibility to glove that cock of his. He should've been cherishing and protecting you at that vulnerable time, not knocking you up and continuing to cheat.

Leaky breasts? You're nourishing your very early and probably ill premie and keeping his spawn as healthy and strong as possible! BTW, my ex used to love to suck my milky breasts, he got a charge out of it.

Stretch marks? Tiger stripes! Badges of courage! He should be worshiping the ground you walk on.

Grrrrrr...!

If you do decide to stay with this man, I implore you to demand he drops those whores of his, and enter into counseling with you. Something is very very wrong here.
Tell us how you really feel, Mags.

But yeah. 100% agreement.
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  #15  
Old 01-05-2011, 04:00 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Omg !

OMG Sorel,

{{{{big hugs}}}

I guess I'm with everyone else here. Really upset and disgusted. Admittedly, we only have one side of the story, but if it's even partially or mostly accurate I have to call your husband out as a player, scumbag. Sorry - that's harsh - but it is what it is.

I have serious doubts this person can even spell the word 'love', let alone understand it. To him it seems it's just another word-another tool- he uses to get what he wants.

A big component of love is RESPECT. Respect is EARNED. If there's any reason this person is due any respect, it's missing from your writing.

You seem like a kind, wonderful person. You deserve better.

I suggest you let his 'theories' fly in his own face and start the process of finding someone who truly understands what love is about. Let him sit in the observers seat for awhile. Maybe he'll learn something - but highly doubtful !

GS
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  #16  
Old 01-05-2011, 09:26 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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What Mags said, 100%.

Sourel, I am so sorry you are going through this. I truly wish you the very best. If half of what you write is accurate, you deserve so much more from your partner(s).
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  #17  
Old 01-06-2011, 06:00 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I'm not sure what you are staying for and where you are getting your strength from... what do you stay for? What is it about this situation that is working for you? Is it that you just can't get it together to go? I don't understand... I'm seriously curious. I don't ask to be insulting towards you or to disrespect your decsion, I am genuinely curious.

Yes there are people that ask for an upgrade from cheating to poly and some that actually have figured out how to do that and be happy, on both sides... not without huge sacrifices, stepping WAY back to gain trust again and really looking at who the hell they think they are to even ask before considering keeping the question of "could this work for us" alive.

There is a lot written on cheating and affairs on here. Some really good threads and conversations. If you do a serach in the stickies, and golden nuggets as well as do a tag search for "cheating" and "affairs" you will find quite a bit. I would suggest a tag search for "foundation" and "lessons" also... you will see that "poly" is far more than loving other people... it is a relationship dynamic that this man and his women don't have...

One other thing, if he were for real living poly, by the standard that I have? There is no way in hell he would have the time for four women... there is no way that I know of that he can give each relationship the consideration, undivided attention and depth that is required for a good relationship in my book...
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  #18  
Old 01-07-2011, 03:11 PM
Sourel Sourel is offline
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Did I only mention my husband's bad points? My bad...
He has many, many good points and I'm pretty sure that this whole episode was a bad blip. I think he is going through a serious life crisis. At the time of the miscarriage we were on two totally different planets and we didn't get to reconnect until after I found out about the other women. It is hard to give up on a relationship that has lasted more than a quarter of your life... so many memories, small children together, and all the work that goes into keeping a relationship together over time. In my mind, I married for life.
I'm with you on the time aspect redpepper... how is it possible to have children AND have time for more lovers?! I guess my husband is on the road a lot so there will be time then.
He read all your posts by the way: I think that was a pretty sobering experience for him. So far he had managed to avoid the opinion of his peers by saying 'they're in a monogamous mindset so they can't possibly understand.' Opening this up to other poly voices was a good idea.

For the time being, we are going strong. He has accepted my ultimatum, we are going to open our relationship to other people (nice folk, no vampires) and we'll see! I feel good that I stood up for something that I couldn't accept.

A BIG THANK YOU to all the people who took the time to respond to my post!
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  #19  
Old 01-07-2011, 03:23 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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well that was too easy. i hope you are right...

time will tell; actions speak louder than words.
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  #20  
Old 01-07-2011, 03:28 PM
Sourel Sourel is offline
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easy??!! That's funny.
No, it hasn't been in the least easy. This started on January 21st 2010. If you could lose weight crying I'd be a size zero by now.
But I did post at a time when it was just Sourel's Last Stand. I figured if I heard lots of voices telling me I should be open to this situation, that I would need to see if I could get my head around it, though my instinct was telling me otherwise.
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