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  #11  
Old 01-03-2011, 07:33 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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This is the second time today I've read someone referring someone else to me or Indy. (I like that, it might stay!)

You guys are starting to make me think we're doing something right!

I would like to point out that Indy thinks he could go either way; he's just had yet to practice poly on his end. He's more of an outstanding role model for "men who want to be poly, but gals our age are looking for THE ONE." (Andy4700, I'm talking to you.)

Mr. A does a bang up job too, and he is definitely mono. But he has no time for foruming.

So, thanks. It's been a good day.
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  #12  
Old 01-03-2011, 08:00 PM
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
This is a big issue I want to address on my blog and I'd like some help from you guys please. New Years Eve was the last straw. I spent it largely trying to convince my son-in-law that I'm not a victim in a relationship with a guy who is "getting to have his cake and eat it too" (hate that saying).
Dang wife, beat me to posting.
I appreciate the compliments.

It's funny because listening to some of the questions TP's father and others had asked her, they were leaning to the idea that I had initiated this relationship and pushed TP into it. In fact, I was the one who finally gave the green light after discussions with TP about opening up the relationship.

I suppose I would label myself neither as Poly or Mono, but as Poly-curious...if I can add even more terms to the forum lexicon...basically I have been looking but then as TP mentioned I have not found...so I guess at this juncture I am Mono by default rather than choice...

That being said, TP posted long ago that I could take or leave Poly, and that's true. But I suppose I have had to look beyond not finding, or finding and then being rejected by potential women or else become wholly despondent with the whole Poly search...and what do I look beyond to? well I used to be quite a jealous person, and frankly there is no room for that in a Poly relationship, I didn't communicate as much, and I was less secure with my own self (my thinking being if she's going out and coming back to me I must be somewhat appealing and special)... It sounds fairly mundane pro/con break down but it was far from it. I saw how happy TP was after we opened the relationship and I coveted that happiness, but it's been more elusive for me to find. That being said however, because I love her, and this makes her happy, Poly is a good thing.

I have accepted that until I find someone willing to be in the role of an OSO that this is my life as I choose. I love TP and because of that I will continue to search and if I don't find, I am perfectly happy just being her husband and having a third in our lives. What has made it easy for me to be Mono (by default but still mono) is that I have been allowed to accept things on my terms and my speed. I had a conversation with Mr. A this past week about this, and I thanked him for begin so good and cognisant of my feelings as his relationship with TP developed; he told me that it's what he needs in his life right now because he cannot devote as much time to TP as he would have liked, and he knows she's not going out searching and being dishonest....It's a hard thing to convince someone that you are not a victim if they have a preconceived notion of the lifestyle in their head.

I am reminded of TP's friend who herself was in an open relationship...and I use that term quite specifically to set it apart from Poly because there was no real emotional connection, just sex...she chose to see me as a victim, and TP as hurting me once emotional attachment had become involved. I tried to set her straight that I was not being hurt by the emotional attachment or the physical relationship, but because of her own relationship and background she was unwilling to hear it....so it goes to show you that while predominantly Mono society will portray the member of a triangle relationship with out a OSO as a victim, and the woman as being pushed into, it's not always the case...it just means some people cannot and will not open up to the idea that Poly has fringe benefits for the SO that does not have an OSO.

As for convincing people that I am neither a victim nor in a situation I cannot control, I simply don't anymore. I explain my reasons for being accepting of Poly, and my perceived benefits of it (both if I were Poly and as I am Mono) and if they accept it, great! if not, oh well you cannot convince people of things if their value system is so deeply ingrained that they cannot see beyond a Judea-Christian construct.


I am not sure if that answered anything asked, but let me know and I will see what else I can come up with while at work.
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  #13  
Old 01-04-2011, 08:39 AM
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Thanks for all your help. I'm really pleased with how the post turned out and it's resolved a lot for me.

Mohegan: I really get what you're saying, we deserve to be seen as winners because we've succeeded in creating great relationships. There is always going to be work to do because that's the nature of relationships, but the last thing we want is pity.

SNeacail: I loved your point about all relationships having limitations.. salient reminder.

RP: I get the comparison to polyamory and a hobby on one level but the emotional charge that is created when your partner's hobby is another love is too great to make it very useful for most monos.

Trucker Pete and Indi: Yep you're doing good!! Sharing such positive little snippets from your life is a great model. I relate to your "mono by default" comment Indi. I would be open to having a poly relationship if one fell into my lap but maybe not right now. I've realized that I form very intense romantic relationships and at the moment I don't really want to invest the time in more than one. Having made that as a conscious choice feels empowering.

Mono: Thank you, you give us all a wonderfully powerful, positive role model.
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  #14  
Old 01-05-2011, 03:47 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
To me a mono person who sees their poly partner's relationship life as healthy and happy for them as they would see them healthy and happy having a hobby would be what I look for. It sounds kind of shallow from my perspective as a poly person, but I think it might work for a mono person. Does that exsist?!
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RP: I get the comparison to polyamory and a hobby on one level but the emotional charge that is created when your partner's hobby is another love is too great to make it very useful for most monos.
yes I agree. I don't think I did my theory justice... I know that it is WAY to emotionally charge and I think that I didn't answer the question as I suspect you are actually looking for specific people rather than theories... but here goes anyway....

I think that if a mono person can relate to a poly person in terms of something like a hobby in that if they could see it (as a way to feel emotionally safe) as the poly person going out for a night of discussion on Nietzsche when the mono person is not interested in Nietzsche then it might help them come to terms with the jealousy and find compersion.

When I talk to PN about going out on a date it is like he loves Nietzsche too but its a certain aspect he isn't interested in. If I were to come home all happy and fulfilled by the discussion then he would be happy for me, because he gets it... when I come home from a discussion on Nietzsche to Mono, who knows nothing about Nietzsche, he is happy for me, but doesn't get it. He understands because he is passionate and fulfilled by other things, but doesn't entirely understand... does that make sense?

Ya, very different, but I hope a different take. It makes Mono my hero in the mono world really Althought in terms of the Nietzsche thing... he doesn't get that I might want to orgasm at the discussion... fair enough. I can orgasm discussing Decarte with him and be fine with that.
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  #15  
Old 01-05-2011, 04:00 AM
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Excuse me -

When I see this thread on the list out of the corner of my eye, it looks like it says "Positive Role Models for Morons".

As you were.
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  #16  
Old 01-05-2011, 04:06 AM
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Althought in terms of the Nietzsche thing... he doesn't get that I might want to orgasm at the discussion... fair enough. I can orgasm discussing Decarte with him and be fine with that.
HAHHHAA!!! Redpepper just walked in and I was like "At first I didn't get the whole Nee-etz thing but when you mentioned Dee-cart and I figured out it was about artists".

Apparently philosophy and art were both not part of my education LOL!

In my defence she came in as I was doing a cool rift from Mr Brownstone and told her not to interupt the GNR to which she said "What's G and R?"

We are so beautifully different
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  #17  
Old 01-05-2011, 04:07 AM
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Excuse me -

When I see this thread on the list out of the corner of my eye, it looks like it says "Positive Role Models for Morons".

As you were.
You just made me spit Diet Coke all over the keyboard!
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  #18  
Old 01-05-2011, 04:31 AM
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You just made me spit Diet Coke all over the keyboard!
OOOH! Keyboards don't like that.
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  #19  
Old 01-05-2011, 05:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Excuse me -

When I see this thread on the list out of the corner of my eye, it looks like it says "Positive Role Models for Morons".

As you were.
would that be about role models for how to not be a moron or how to be a better moron? I know quite a few morons that would benefit from either.
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  #20  
Old 01-05-2011, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
HAHHHAA!!! Redpepper just walked in and I was like "At first I didn't get the whole Nee-etz thing but when you mentioned Dee-cart and I figured out it was about artists".

Apparently philosophy and art were both not part of my education LOL!

In my defence she came in as I was doing a cool rift from Mr Brownstone and told her not to interupt the GNR to which she said "What's G and R?"

We are so beautifully different
REDPEPPER!! *mock shock* YOU don't know who G'n'R are? oh.... you are missing out

*teasing*

@Mono - love the band, enjoy Velvet Revolver too...

LOL now back to awesome Mono type people as role models...

I can't remember if I already 'voted' but Mono and Indigo (by default I know )... um um that's all I can remember as specifically mono type people right now (having a ditzy day) but most of the guys who are posting on here are doing well - in my eyes anyway... just attempting to deal makes you all positive role models

Edit: My definition of 'Guys' = a group in general - people, not solely of the male persuasion
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Last edited by FlameKat; 01-05-2011 at 07:45 AM. Reason: terminology
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