Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #131  
Old 01-04-2011, 06:32 PM
Indigomontoya's Avatar
Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 107
Default

Well I can't really speak about being approached by women and having to tell them I'm married and poly, mainly because I've never been approached...that's a bit of a lament....but having had experience letting women who might have been interested know about poly I can say that none of them really liked the idea of not confirming with TP first and before that ever came up most rejected the idea of a relationship outright.
__________________
Polyamory is wrong! It's Multiamory or Polyphilia. Mixing Greek and Latin roots? That's wrong.
Reply With Quote
  #132  
Old 01-04-2011, 07:09 PM
RfromRMC's Avatar
RfromRMC RfromRMC is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina
Posts: 239
Default

Sadly, the gay male community often seems confused that we don't cheat.
We'll often get some dude leering at us creepily and say "So you're a threesome eh? That's hot...ever wanna foursome??"
Ugh.
M will usually wave his ringfinger (we have 3 matching rings) and say "I don't see one of these on you dude. So, NO."
Reply With Quote
  #133  
Old 01-04-2011, 08:33 PM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 65
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
It's really starting to get annoying because he is friends with Wendigo and we all game together. We literally have to kick him out after game to have any time together; while I don't want to invite him into our private relationship, there are times when I just wish that I could tell him to go the eff home so I can have sex with my boyfriend. But I feel that would just cause unnecessary drama.
Tell him in a very serious manner that he is not going to get laid here ever...so if that is why he is hanging around he should go home.
Reply With Quote
  #134  
Old 06-21-2011, 03:22 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 66
Default How have people dealt with issues of cheating/betrayal?

Hi folks,

I'm new to this forum, posted an introduction in that area.

I found the forum looking around for advice on how to do deal with issues of recurring cheating in LT poly relationships.

I have an almost 20-year relationship that continues to be incredible, wonderful, fulfilling in many ways. Yet, my partner cannot stop breaking our agreements/boundaries. What we have is fairly minimal -- you must communicate BEFORE you do anything sexual with another person. Since we opened ourselves up to our circle of mutual friends, this has been an important agreement. He cannot seem to abide by this and every so often (every 8 mos? year?) cheats. He tells me after (he's moved on from an episode of lying), but it's still cheating. We've both broken our boundaries in the past and I've changed my behavior -- he seems to, but then it happens again. My sense is that he has some underlying issues that are motivating this, but he can't/won't deal with them. I believe people have the potential to change, but I'm tired of being hurt. The hard thing is I know he loves me and there are many positives about our relationship.

I am, however, at the point of ending it. I can't see a way out. That's why I wanted to ask others, if you've been in similar scenarios, what have you done? What has worked/helped you out? Any advice potential paths for going forward?
Reply With Quote
  #135  
Old 06-21-2011, 05:01 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

I've been in this situation. And when it did turn around it was not because of anything I did, it was because HE sat down with himself and realized what he was doing and decided to change it.

I agree there most likely is something deep down that is going on with him, but he's the only one who can figure that out and he may or may not.

the only thing you can control is you.

I had reached the point where my trust was gone and I was okay with separating. I figured we'd still be in touch, and in each other's lives. It didn't come to that, but it came very close. I can tell you that if things hadn't changed i would have left and been okay with it at that point. My peace of mind was more important to me than dealing with the secrecy and lies.
Reply With Quote
  #136  
Old 06-21-2011, 06:23 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 66
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post

I had reached the point where my trust was gone and I was okay with separating. I figured we'd still be in touch, and in each other's lives. It didn't come to that, but it came very close. I can tell you that if things hadn't changed i would have left and been okay with it at that point. My peace of mind was more important to me than dealing with the secrecy and lies.
Minxxa, thanks for your thoughtful response. Part of what is going on is that I feel so alone in this. As all of you here know, often talking to non-poly people results in "well, what did you expect with your type of relationship."

Perhaps one issue, aside from him needing to figure out what's going on with him, is that I've been afraid to confront the fact that this time I am actually okay with separating because my trust is also gone. My fear of loss at what we have that's good is at war with my responsibility to care for myself.
Reply With Quote
  #137  
Old 06-21-2011, 06:30 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chimera View Post
Minxxa, thanks for your thoughtful response. Part of what is going on is that I feel so alone in this. As all of you here know, often talking to non-poly people results in "well, what did you expect with your type of relationship."

Perhaps one issue, aside from him needing to figure out what's going on with him, is that I've been afraid to confront the fact that this time I am actually okay with separating because my trust is also gone. My fear of loss at what we have that's good is at war with my responsibility to care for myself.
I'm lucky enough to have a really good friend who isn't judgy about the nonmonogamy thing. But I do completely get the fear of loss part. And even though we're together I'm really having to work on finding myself again and learning how to make myself happy.

Have you sat down with him and discussed your feelings? My thought is that you need him to hear that you have lost trust and faith in him. And that is causing you to contemplate leaving. It doesn't have to be dramatic, and it's not an ultimatum. It's just a statement of fact and he needs to hear it now, before you get so fed up you're gone and there's no room to work on things. Maybe he needs to have time alone to figure out what he really wants and what's going on with him. Or maybe he won't. And maybe with time alone to work on yourself without worrying about what he's doing, you'll end up finding some peace.

I know from experience that keeping it inside just doesn't work.
Reply With Quote
  #138  
Old 06-21-2011, 09:13 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 66
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post

Have you sat down with him and discussed your feelings?
Yep, too many times. I haven't seen him since it happened, but will tonight. That's why I came here wondering how others have handled these things. He has made some changes -- he's now honest right after he breaks our boundaries. So, the lying is gone. But, stopping the cheating hasn't. For him, it's still an aspiration, but for me, it's basic. Another unfortunate piece is that his behavior is ripping open old wounds for me from childhood. I know they are separate issues intellectually, but I experience them together physically/emotionally, at least at first. It makes me paralyzed for days.

BTW, I've been reading a lot of the postings here that deal with this issue (and in general, this forum is great). There's not many threads with concrete advice, but maybe that's just how it is. I just don't know what to do. Is it reasonable to ask someone to get counseling? Should we take some time apart? My BF knows and is pressing for forgiveness, but he's an easy soul that way and he doesn't have to deal with the cheating first hand. *sigh* Maybe these posts sound fairly rational, but I feel sick to my stomach atm.
__________________
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."James Baldwin

Last edited by Chimera; 06-21-2011 at 09:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #139  
Old 06-21-2011, 09:26 PM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 621
Default

Sometimes you can over-think these things. Is there a commonality to his breaking of boundaries? If you look at the situations surrounding them can you tighten up the boundary before it gets wobbly and is broken? My partner is hopeless at maintaining boundaries when sleepy so we tightened up the boundary so that he doesn't have sleepovers except with his secondary who is celibate anyway.

I don't think we are generally at war with our sense of loss and our ability to care for ourselves, even though it can seem that way. If our sense of loss is too profound then it is a sign that in really caring for ourself we are not ready for such a loss.
Reply With Quote
  #140  
Old 06-21-2011, 10:43 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

That to me is the hardest issue with trust violations. After the first few i always experienced each one anew every time it happened. Im still working on lettng go of the past shit even though were not in that place anymore. I dont think i could have done it while my trust was still being abused.

Counselijg might not be a bad idea for gettng help with trust issues. Obviously you need to make sure the counselor is poly friendly. Im a bookish type so i tend to go for books on trust. I got a really good one that talks about the connection between our childhoods and how we deal with trust. If certain needs didnt get met as a child were more fragile around it as an adult. When i get home ill find you the name.

If he truly cant keep your boundaries than you have to decide what you are willing and able to live with. Hubs and i separated once years ago because i told him i just couldnt stand the lying. He thought it was an ultimatum but it wasnt. It was my boundary of what i wouldnt tolerate. We still saw each otheer but on a more casual basis and that space and casualness was good for me because i didnt have the same expectations of him. He ended up figuring out he was being stupid (his words not mine) and we got back together. Sometimes space is whats needed in order to see the big picture and be able to make a better decision.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
affairs, agreements, casual sex, cheaters, cheating, cheating and poly, dadt policies, dating friends, dating issues, deceit, deception, dishonesty, drama, encouraging cheating, ethics, fuck buddies, fwb, honesty, meeting people, mono, mono / poly, mono-poly, mono/poly, monogamy, monogamy and polyamory, one true way, poly, poly vs. mono, poly vs. open, polyfidelity, sneaking around, std's, sti's, swingers, swinging

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:58 PM.