Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Site Usage > User Guidelines & Forum Features

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #101  
Old 09-14-2010, 07:09 PM
kymberleea kymberleea is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: port richey Florida
Posts: 8
Question i love how its open and honest

i know i am new to all this
and maybe i am totaly off wack to this but to me different strokes for different folks and even poly is different and theres bound to be different ways of doing it even here but i just love the saying

"When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around. "

never a truer statement i have heard cause to me thats what its all about

and we all are here for one reason good bad happy and sad we might not all agree but if we act like adults and play nice we can all get along at least that's what i think.

kymberleea

who is totaly enjoying reading this forum and getting quite a learning today. and hoping shes not making too many mistakes and is forgiven if she is.
Reply With Quote
  #102  
Old 10-18-2010, 07:28 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Very late to the party, here. As those that remember my previous time here may remember - I gave a lot of thought back then to how forums work, and read with interest the criticisms that were made of this and other fora.

Now I see that similar issues are still being discussed, and I have an idea...

For those that feel that the culture here is marginalizing, and unwelcoming to a group of poly folk, I would love to learn from those that are doing it well. Can anyone please give an example of a poly discussion site that "does it right" when it comes to these issues?

I would love to join up and get a flavour from it so that I can learn what we are missing or not understanding. I would hazard a guess that others would also like to learn.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #103  
Old 01-04-2011, 01:12 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 65
Default Generalizations, Good or Evil?

I am trying to better understand the rules, guidelines (and people) in this forum. I would like to be frank and honest and express myself freely but I'm thinking that may not be possible without getting negative reactions and unintentionally offending people.

In order not to "infest" another thread by being off topic I wanted to respond to this post separately here on the subject of generalizations, impressions, being reactive etc.

While I notice that guidelines for using four letter words such as "fuck" etc. in the proper context, is permitted, I am finding that some people are sensitive to mild generalizations and sarcasm and have taken my statements as a personal offense.

In my defense, yes, I am a newbie and you don't know me and I don't know you.

I do want to be honest and genuine. I don't want to walk on eggs or be subject to being expected to be "dishonestly polite."

If not, I will commence to warn when I am "joking" or being sarcastic with open and close tags like:

<warning sarcasm here>
</end of sarcasm>

If that will help. (see example below.)


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Olderwoman, I would suggest you read these forums a little more extensively. Your comment was reactionary and judgmental.
Yes, perhaps it was.

<official excuse>
Of course I was still licking my wounds from being attacked and judged yesterday for my own "offensive" generalized statement about my "being a woman......"
</excuse>

Quote:
The sentiment that "women don't want to share" is a commonly found one in poly circles, I have learned.
So are you saying that it is a common polyamorous sentiment that women don't want to share; or have you accepted it as truth because it is "common" and repeatedly stated?

<thinking>
hmmmm.... This is getting interesting.
(I am now remembering something I read yesterday about the power of words and honesty last night........ but then I digress.)
</ end of thought>

Quote:
I'm a feminist, but don't see the value in jumping on someone for making a generalization about women that also happens to be predominantly true within a certain culture.
I say the following in good fun, so please don't take offense:........

<in good fun>
Gee, where were you yesterday when I was jumped on like raw meat in a pool of piranhas for my own offensive generalization concerning women? I sure could have used your vigorous support then! LOL
</end of fun>

side note: what "certain culture" are you making reference to above?

Quote:
Keep reading, and may I also suggest that you examine how your anger is infecting every post you have made in every thread thus far.
Infecting every post? Am I to understand that you have read all of my posts thus far?

I am indeed reading these forums and enjoying them very much!

Again, I am not angry. (Brutally honest maybe, and a bit sarcastic.)


<thinking to myself here:>
I suppose I could have followed the example of others and complained that I found the remark "sexist" and "offensive" but that would have been dishonest.
</thinking>
Reply With Quote
  #104  
Old 01-04-2011, 03:11 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

That is the problem with written communication.

I think, as annoying it may be, your warnings may be needed.

I am a very sarcastic person. I am a very blunt person. but thats hard to determine a difference in written word. i've run into much the same problem as you. My way of speaking, my tone, tends to be interpretted wrong in written word. I've had many an issue here because of it.

I tend to preface my generalizations with- "In my experience I've seen ___". Still a generalization, but one based on my experiences.
Reply With Quote
  #105  
Old 01-04-2011, 03:46 AM
Somegeezer's Avatar
Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Leeds, UK
Posts: 806
Default

It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Rephrasing something will make a big difference. I've already felt out of place in a thread when what I meant to say was not read the same way by the people reading. Sometimes you make mistakes and you just put your hands up and say so. It only dug me in deeper when I tried to explain myself. Everyone's opinion is valid, but people also get hurt. There's no reason to make it worse.

So just be careful how you say things, whilst still getting your opinion out.
__________________
[Insert witty comment here]
Feel free to add me up on facebook. - Just click here.
Do send a message in your request saying who you are and that you're from this forum. It will help me filter out any spam requests.
=]
Reply With Quote
  #106  
Old 01-04-2011, 03:55 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 145
Default

I haven't read your other posts so this is just my two cents :P

I agree that there can be a big disparity between written and verbal communication, misunderstandings do happen.

In a post, I think it was in "Coming Out", someone made a statement about parents not needing to get so upset about their children being poly if they "still got grandkids out of the arrangement" (I'm not quoting word for word, just summarizing in my own words). A seemingly innocent generalization that irked me. This is likely because my own family has made insensitive comments about my infertility and have questioned my decision to be childfree.

What it comes down to is that I "own my shit". The person who made that generalization didn't know me, didn't direct it at me, and I can be sure was not out to offend me. Me getting offended was my own reaction that I'm responsible for and I know that it certainly wasn't worth getting into a debate over. If I see a post or discussion with someone making broad generalizations that I feel strongly about, I may jump in, even just to play "devils advocate". That applies to me too, as it can be quite cool to see a side of things I never considered. I may get irked by things, but I usually let things slide when I can see there was no harm intended. Do most parents want grandbabies? Sure, I would say most parents expect their kids to have kids. Is that fair? Is that right? Therein lies the debate and dangers of generalizing. Generalizing puts people into a "one size fits all" when it's impossible to do that 100%, you're inevitably going to leave someone out.

I don't mind pointing out a generalization if there is that opportunity to get some growth from it, something learned, just a cool conversation. I would opt for a discussion rather than a debate. However, sometimes you don't know you've offended someone until the "deed is done". I don't know if it's always worth expending energy getting upset over generalizations. It's kinda like some people getting a kick out of correcting other people's spelling :P

I didn't read your posts so I don't know exactly what you may have said to offend people. Maybe you were abrasive or maybe they were sensitive, maybe a bit of both. It all comes down to how much energy you want to expend on a topic of conversation. If someone gets offended, you can apologize, maybe just let that one go, and move on to another topic. Or maybe it's worth debating over, there's no hard and fast rule.
__________________
"There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." - Ray Bradbury
Reply With Quote
  #107  
Old 01-04-2011, 04:10 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 65
Default

booklady78,

I remember that post about the benefit of having "grandkids" etc. and wondered why a person would assume that a family who did not approve of the poly lifestyle would automatically be happy when grandkids appeared. There are just too many variables to make an assumption like that I think.
Reply With Quote
  #108  
Old 01-04-2011, 06:45 AM
FlameKat's Avatar
FlameKat FlameKat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: :P Cautiously looking around this new world that seems to fit...
Posts: 311
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post
If someone gets offended, you can apologize, maybe just let that one go, and move on to another topic. Or maybe it's worth debating over, there's no hard and fast rule.
This... unless of course you didn't a) do it deliberately or b) realise - even though it was pointed out a number of times...

*major sarcasm*
__________________
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to

Engaged to my sweetheart, WaterWolf

my blog (non-poly) Pearls & Pixiedust


Reply With Quote
  #109  
Old 01-04-2011, 08:04 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Oh boy can I relate to your need to "lick your wounds." I have been writing here for two years and have had to several times... I could point out exactly which threads and posts it effects me so much. There have been times on occasion that it has been about sarcasm on my part also... mostly my hot head getting the better of me or someone who either doesn't agree with me, or thinks I talk to much or disagrees with how I process information.

You know what though, I have also, a million times over all that, had amazing connections and started really good friendships with people here. This place has got me through my entire relationship with Mono... we wouldn't of had a leg to stand on two years ago if it weren't for here, seriously. Now he lives with us and things in my life are incredible. I owe a lot to this forum and work hard to preserve the atmosphere here because it has worked like this so far... and believe me I and others have been slammed for that... as some would prefer a blood bath to get stuff sorted out.

Really, this place is not for everyone. It has not been a good time for all, but no one place is good for everyone... I just hope that this is a place where we get to the bottom of what poly is about and skip the drama of trying to understand one another... really its just best to be tolerant, patient, find out what is going on for one another and really listen. All of that doesn't mean responding all the time; but its part of poly, to me anyway.

We don't get to be face to face, so we have to write on here as if no one knows us and know one sees our face. It's kinda cold to do that and can be flat and humourless but once we are known better on here some humour and warmth comes and is accepted...

Its good to see you've made yourself vulnerable here Olderwoman. I applaud you for that...its very brave and I respect that you have reached out. I look forward to getting to know you better
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #110  
Old 01-04-2011, 09:35 AM
FlameKat's Avatar
FlameKat FlameKat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: :P Cautiously looking around this new world that seems to fit...
Posts: 311
Default

Speaking only for myself and at the risk of sticking my neck on the chopping block...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
I do want to be honest and genuine. I don't want to walk on eggs or be subject to being expected to be "dishonestly polite."



Again, I am not angry. (Brutally honest maybe, and a bit sarcastic.)
There are ways to be honest and genuine without being "dishonestly polite".

There are ways to apologise for causing offence - without apologising for what you said.

Please also remember that people posting on this forum are likely posting something that they are sensitive about, or something that is troubling or hurting them deeply. They are just as vulnerable as the people commenting, if not more so - as that is their issue that they (and you) are talking about.

There are other members on here who are brutally honest, opinionated and brash and rude and everything else under the sun (and I do include myself in those)... 9.9 times out of ten though, any offense or hurt is not intended and common courtesies are followed.

Mohegan and Redpepper both acknowledged difficulties they have faced with their communication style on this forum. I am newer to this forum than both of them and having had the benefit of being able to read through their struggles and get to know them (via their very personal posts) has meant that I now understand (to a degree) their communication styles, I understand they are both here to help themselves and, more importantly, help others, and take no offense - automatically. They also have a very deep respect (and I do not trust or respect easy) from me because of the effort they put in to be understood, and to not cause offence.

You do not have that privilege (from me) yet - not because you are unwelcome - but simply because you are unknown and we CANNOT be expected to know that you are sarcastic, and brutally honest. I have a feeling it is likely that your sense of humour is also (at this stage) a very unknown quantity.

For myself, I know I will probably still take some time to adjust to that communication style, as it is a somewhat abrasive style - particularly in written word.

Having said all that, genuine kudo's to you for making the effort to find out what is going wrong I look forward to "figuring you out" to the best of my ability
__________________
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to

Engaged to my sweetheart, WaterWolf

my blog (non-poly) Pearls & Pixiedust


Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, assumptions, criticism, generalizations, nvc, sniping, wank

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:02 AM.