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  #21  
Old 01-03-2011, 10:11 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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sorry LR, I'm a little surprised here that Maca has only just come home from living in a trailer because he couldn't handle your relationship with GG and now is starting something new when I haven't heard any boundaries change for you and GG. ..... too fast I think... way too fast. You have tons more to work out before Maca gets it on with a new lady, where ever that might be. That's my thoughts anyway. Good luck
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  #22  
Old 01-03-2011, 11:13 PM
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Yes, there are differences in speed. It goes with being human I think.

Breathes and I moved rather quickly in our relationship. Possibility and I are going at a snail's pace (I think the snail would win a race actually, lol).

I was reading your blog this morning, unfortunately the clock chimed & I had to get ready for work before I got a chance to read the whole thing .

I can see where you would need the rules you have in place. We have some of the same ones here. NO ONE, other than us, sleeps in our bed unless we're both there, EVER! My stuff is MY stuff, no touchy without permission. Our toys are used ONLY with us (both sex toys and BDSM toys).

I don't know whether to say this or not but I'm going to....I'm proud of both of you. LR I'm proud because you have stated your needs quite succinctly & Maca I'm proud because you stuck by those rules & didn't falter with NL (Skittles if I'm reading correctly) even though I'm sure you wanted to.
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  #23  
Old 01-03-2011, 11:18 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
...............

So, how do I “manage” my tendency to fail at setting in place the necessary boundaries I need now? One of the boundaries I need is the freedom to build my friendships at my pace. How do I put that boundary in place without slipping into Maca’s tendency pattern, and doing something that would inhibit them being “real” and having “security” in their relationship?

This is the question of the day for me.
Hey LR,

Great to see another of your deep, thoughtful posts.
Always enjoy.

Boundaries ?
Why ?

This is HIS relationship - right ?
Why are you afraid of the pace that HE wants to progress ?

You can set your own pace in your relationship with her - if it even progresses that far. Your own comfort level.

I say all this assuming certain safety & family dynamic guidelines haven't been violated. If they have I didn't pick it up in your writing. (I'll go back and re-read)

Remember how we always talk about the multiple relationships involved - I think Ari alludes to this a lot......

Him & Her
Him & you
You & her
All 3 of you together.

*** 4 relationships ***

Of course this gets compounded because of GG, but I didn't pick up that he was overly concerned. ??

Does this help any ?

Easy to lose sight of fundamentals when stuff is in our face - right ?

You know how to do this sweetie

GS
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  #24  
Old 01-04-2011, 01:54 AM
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I have to give you support on this one, I had less boundaries but they were still deadset important (regarding rings, use of my bed, what's discussed) initially, some of those have laxed with discussion; but if I got resistance on any of them it would be a reg flag...from the sounds of it you are being reasonable with your boundaries, if he has issues then you and he (and the third) need to reevaluate the situation.

Initially I did what I was comfortable with, set boundaries to my comfort level; I didn't worry (at least not that much) about TP and Mr. A's relationship development....and you shouldn't worry about his, do what you need to do to be comfortable, happy, and functional in your life. If he can't tolerate that then you need to figure out a way to discuss issues that doesn't become a wildfire.
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  #25  
Old 01-04-2011, 03:18 AM
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It sounds to me like your being very reasonable, asking for what you need and not putting draconic restrictions on their interactions. Hell, they have fewer restrictions than I have with my married SO and I've been with him over 6 months. I hope that when the dust settles, your feelings become apparent to her. I don't know you terribly well, but you seem to be a very welcoming, gracious person with good communication skills. Dealing with the wife of your SO can be intimidating sometimes and I know that i am often worrying and interpreting any slight sign of unhappiness or irritation from A as being my fault and that she must really hate me after all. But I usually am just being paranoid and insecure. So I know how easy it is to interpret actions and words from that angle even if you're the only one that sees it.
Thank you Ray. Most of the people that know me at all say I'm "too reasonable". Very few find me to be possessive or unwelcoming. Though I have often been told that I can be quite intimidating because I am so sure of what I believe.

It does help to hear that other OSO's recognize that they can be paranoid simply because of the wife's role and not necessarily because of any specific thing she's done wrong.

I really am trying to be as reasonable as possible, because I know it's difficult. But, admittedly I am feeling as though I'm being asked to give her "equal status" without earning it.
I would NEVER expect that she put in 13 years to earn it. But I think you have to at least take time to get to know people and what's important to them before you can gain privileges of equal status in their life to S.O.'s that have put in that time...
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  #26  
Old 01-04-2011, 03:23 AM
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That and she hasn't read enough of your blog or spent enough time with you to understand that what she may see as harsh, is just bluntness................

Yeah Maca.
Thank you Sneacail.

I do tend to be blunt. Maybe she'll read more and figure that out?
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  #27  
Old 01-04-2011, 03:33 AM
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Great to see another of your deep, thoughtful posts.
Always enjoy.
Thank You.

Quote:
Boundaries ?
Why ?
For me, i.e. that I have freedom to go at my pace, not theirs.

Quote:
This is HIS relationship - right ?
PRECISELY! Therefore, I don't feel like it should place an expectation upon me to build a relationship with her at the same pace as theirs goes. And I don't feel like the boundary rules we have in place should be changed (which is being requested) so that they can do things which haven't been allowed previously.


Quote:
Why are you afraid of the pace that HE wants to progress ?
Actually, I'm not. I'm feeling pressured to be her "new best friend" just because they are interested in one another. I'm also feeling pressured to allow them to do things that are against our boundary rules.


Quote:
You can set your own pace in your relationship with her - if it even progresses that far. Your own comfort level.
That's what I want.

Quote:
I say all this assuming certain safety & family dynamic guidelines haven't been violated. If they have I didn't pick it up in your writing. (I'll go back and re-read)
Not yet, but there has been a huge push to "do away" with several of the safety and family dynamic guidelines.

Quote:
Remember how we always talk about the multiple relationships involved - I think Ari alludes to this a lot......

Him & Her
Him & you
You & her
All 3 of you together.

*** 4 relationships ***
Yes, and in our case there are 10 of us in the household. Since she is wanting to participate as a full-time part of the family, that's more relationships than I can do the math to figure out off the top of my head but we aren't all comfortable with the depth of relationship that she seems to think is warranted right now. We're all open to taking time to get to know her better.... it's just that we need to take that time. All of us will likely have DIFFERENT amounts of time that we need, but it's pretty consistent that it's more than what's gone by so far.

Quote:
Of course this gets compounded because of GG, but I didn't pick up that he was overly concerned. ??
He's worried about the kids and me, but on a personal level, he's not available to be here when she is, so he's not feeling pressured.

Quote:
Does this help any ?
Yup.
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  #28  
Old 01-04-2011, 03:53 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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LR- I see nothing wrong with what you said or how you said it. Actualy I find a lot of myself in what you wrote. Very few people know the real me. I am for the most part an open book, but to really get into that tree trunk and see those inner rings, it takes a lot of time and effort. Karma and I have been together 8 yrs and there are still parts he doesn't know about/hasn't seen. becuase there is a lot I jsut keep to myself. My brother is probably the only one who knows those rings better than Karma. so yeah. Two people in my 27 yrs of life have gotten even a glimpse of all that I hold private.


Karma and I have a rule that NO one shares our room without both of being there. Our room is our place. I'd not give up my room for anyone. Sorry just won't. If KArma and Cricket ever get back to that point they know they have to find somewhere else. Harsh to say-but not my problem. I wouldn't bring someone back here and expect Karma to give up the bed for some new guy.

I'm kinda concerned about her desire to be so included so quickly. And her being upset over what you wrote.

For us, the happy healthy sane rule goes for all of us. If I'm not happy healthy sane, because of boundry being pushed, then it gets addressed, just as it would if I were pushing their boundries.

I hope it all works out for you guys, but it has me worried.

Last edited by Mohegan; 01-04-2011 at 04:01 AM.
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  #29  
Old 01-04-2011, 02:51 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

For me, i.e. that I have freedom to go at my pace, not theirs.

........................

PRECISELY! Therefore, I don't feel like it should place an expectation upon me to build a relationship with her at the same pace as theirs goes. And I don't feel like the boundary rules we have in place should be changed (which is being requested) so that they can do things which haven't been allowed previously.

.......................

Not yet, but there has been a huge push to "do away" with several of the safety and family dynamic guidelines.

.................................
Yes, and in our case there are 10 of us in the household. Since she is wanting to participate as a full-time part of the family, that's more relationships than
I think you are being pretty clear headed about this - really. If maybe a BIT defensive that could come across as controlling to someone that might not know you well.

Where I think the confusion might lie is in the definition of 'relationship' vs the physical realities of how various interaction have to be managed.
How can I make this clearer................

When anyone is in that intense emotional state (NRE/whatever) certain physical realities seem to slide to the back of awareness. We just want to be in the 'glow' ! Wherever/whenever.
But in reality that's seldom possible. Your situation is a perfect example. (I read more - especially in regards to the overnights/being put out of your own bed etc). You have a very tight, integrated family situation and one that's bordering on overload already. Everyone on the 'inside' can grasp that pretty easily. Even most of us on the outside can.
But from her side, she's all wound up about the new relationship and can't see the trees for the forest. Probably never had any/much experience in this type of situation and, pardon the pun, can't see beyond the bedroom walls !

Maca, he's suffering temporary blindness because of the NRE. Especially susceptible because of the difficulty of finding someone who's even open to this type of arrangement. I'm sure he's scared of her 'getting away' (because of complications).

Although it may be frustrating to you, if you look at it another way - from a distance - it's almost comical. I'd try to keep it light if possible right now.
Just try to get everyone together, sit down, and remind them all that despite the current intensity of the new relationship (which you understand completely), there's certain realities that still have to be worked around if it's going to work. Someone new - ANYONE new - can't just land smak dab in the middle of something like this and expect to be immediately integrated the same as others who have been there for years. It just doesn't work like that ! They are welcome (potentially) but there IS time involved because it is new dynamics and new physical stuff has to be figured out.
It's nothing personal at all ! Just this complexity we all talk about so much. Things have to get figured out and worked through.

We just had a similar situation I won't go into here. That desire for immediate/instant integration and the disappointment that things just can't work like that. It's kind of a wake-up call. But it is reality.

GS
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  #30  
Old 01-04-2011, 03:26 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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My brother is probably the only one who knows those rings better than Karma.
Damn if that line didn't ring true.

My "baby brother" is 21 months younger than I. Of 6 siblings, he's the only one who is "fully blood" to me. The rest are half or step. He and I are "like peas and carrots" as they say in Forrest Gump.

He knows many of my "secrets" because they are also his. We often joke about being twins who our "parents" kidnapped and lied to the world about our birthdays as a cover up!
We're just uncommonly similar in ways that you wouldn't expect, especially since after I turned 13, we spent much of our time in different households (due to divorce).

It's not that I'm unfriendly. In fact I'm so much friendlier and more outgoing than most people I know and Maca especially. It's just that being friendly doesn't automatically equate to sharing my deepest, darkest secrets with someone. Whereas for Maca, if he bothers to be friendly, he's probably going to let you in 2/3 of the way.
Course he never lets anyone deeper than that. So while there are a few people who can get in deep with me, but takes more time; with him if you get in at all, you're most of the way there for certain but you'll never get any further......
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