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  #11  
Old 01-03-2011, 07:32 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I will speak to the friendship that is expected to develop between you and the potential metamour.

The relationship you develop (or don't) with new lady is in the control of two people: you and new lady. This means, if she wants to be friends with you, she will need to wait for it to happen. Similarly, if you want to be friends with her, you may need to give of yourself in a new way.

I see this relationship as independent of the relationship NL and Maca share. I think communicating to this lady that you build friendships slowly, so that she doesn't think you're giving her the cold shoulder is a good step.

I don't see how anyone would have a right to demand that you two be best buds and move as quickly as she and Maca may or may not do. As long as your relationship is progressing, and you're both happy with it, then that should be enough for the other parties involved.

I'd have to echo this Poster's brilliance (and beauty ) If TP had said that she expected me to be friend with Mr. A chances are I would not have been so open to meeting him. It's human nature to buck against what we are told we must do; by that rational if you force it too soon or too quickly you will ultimately end up feeling very awkward about the friendship and the metamour's role in your life. While the relationship you have with the metamour is, as TP said, independent of your relationship with your SO you have to realize on some level you have to have a relationship with the person, even if it is strictly for the logistics of the arrangement. If that is all you want then that's perfectly acceptable and it is something that you will have to put your foot down on. Numerous times during the development of TP and Mr. A's relationship I had to vocalize when I felt things were progressing too quickly, if your SO is not willing to hear you out and push ahead at a pace that is uncomfortable, then you really need to evaluate the value they have placed on you in the relationship.

By the same token I stayed open to the possibility of friendship. Ultimately you have to think that you are the metamour will have some things in common since from my own experience TP's taste in men has not altered drastically from her and I beginning our relationship.
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  #12  
Old 01-03-2011, 09:26 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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TP-
Evidently it's not so "ok" with her.
Because the post I put in here, was my blog. She (unbeknownst to me previously) is following my blog.
The post set off a flurry of wildfire yesterday. Her take was that I was degrading her and she was "unwelcome". I've re-read what I wrote and I don't see it. I've also heard feedback from a number of others who read the blog religiously and without knowing that she was upset, they all that it was great that I put all of the thought into a post that was clarifying my needs/desires and stated that my goal was to find a compromise that allowed for them to move at their pace, and me/her to move at a different pace.

Maca didn't sidestep because she was upset, which I appreciate. He was very clear with me that he thought what I wrote was very reasonable and sensible and helpful to him and her.
However, he and she have been going round and round about it since.

I feel like there is this great pressure for me to suddenly open the door to her as though she were family, when in truth, as Maca stated last night, she and Maca don't even know each other. They met online for the first time less than 2 weeks ago. They met in person for the 1st time a week ago.....
I'm supposed to just throw all caution to the wind, share my room, share my private feelings, thoughts, secrets, share my whole life with someone I don't know?

I mean, don't get me wrong-if she spends NO TIME around, we'll never know each other. I would never ask for that.

Specifically, what I'm asking for is the following list I gave Maca:

1. Our shower remains for only the two of us. (there is another full bathroom and the household rule has always been that NOONE uses our shower but Maca and I).

2. Details of our D/s dynamic & the paraphenelia that go with it remain private. (we are still in negotiation, or "again" in negotiation-we don't discuss it with anyone including GG and Mimi)

3. My dresser and the things I keep on it are "hands off". (nothing on there belongs to anyone but me, but it's in "our room" which would be "theirs" at least one night a week to start and probably more. I don't want to move my stuff from "our room" to GG's room every few days...)

4. My clothes aren't shared. (this is something I don't foresee happening-but my daughter was notorious for taking my clothing and it really bothers me, A LOT)

5. My pillow aren't shared. (I figured on picking up some extra ones just for her as a "gift" before the drama yesterday. Now, I'm just trying to stay out of the drama until they figure out wtf.)

6. My shoes aren't shared. (Sounds sort of silly-but my mom always ruined my shoes when I lived with her, by wearing them in inappropriate situations. So I don't generally like to share them.)

7. My laptop isn't shared. (I already don't generally let anyone use my laptop. I keep a LOT of private and personal stuff on it that doesn't need to be shared)

8. Macas wedding band doesn't have to remain on his finger, but if it's not on his finger, it stays with me. It's not to go on hers. (I often don't have my rings on, but they are never shared with another person because it's something special between us. Same with the ring from GG and the rings GG wears from me).

9. My towels aren't shared. (I have special towels that are just mine. Since I have herpes it's been a rule for 20 years that no one uses my towels because that is one way it can be passed on. There are LOTS of good towels in the house, so it's not like this rule would mean using shitty towels, just means not using mine which are all easily identifiable, kept in my bathroom and washed separately from the others as well.)

10. My privacy. (which I explained to Maca means that things which are personal about me, remain mine to share, not for him to share with her)


I didn't think that these were unreasonable. In point of fact, I feel like I'm being very reasonable. I know, feelings can be misleading. Which is why I posted, but what I'm hearing from others is that I'm being very reasonable too.....
(and Maca did read what I posted and he agreed that I explained things clearly AND was reasonable, so it's not like I've twisted the explanation to fit my "goal")

I happen to know that if I were to meet someone and ask to have them spend the night in our bed and asked Maca to sleep somewhere else-the answer would be HELL NO.
The theory seems to be that it's ok in this case because I have GG. Which I CAN go sleep in GG's room, but he works evenings, so it's not like we'll be together, I'll still be alone til long after bedtime....
EITHER way-
Maca's rules are that no one uses our bed but us, no one uses our shower but us, no overnights unless one of us is unavailable (like he's working out of town or I am).....
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  #13  
Old 01-03-2011, 09:35 PM
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Quote:
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I'd have to echo this Poster's brilliance (and beauty
I just loved this line.
I agree, brilliant and beautiful lady!
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  #14  
Old 01-03-2011, 09:36 PM
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Why would someone try to wear someone else's shoes in the first place? First of all, it's gross, and second, most people have their own shoes. It would be extremely bizarre for anyone, let alone maca's girlfriend to try to wear your shoes. I don't think you have anything to worry about there.

Also, if he takes off his wedding band, why would he let her wear it? Why would she WANT to wear HIS wedding band. That is just weird. It doesn't even make sense. It probably wouldn't even fit a woman.

These are extremely odd things to be concerned about.
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  #15  
Old 01-03-2011, 09:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post
I'd have to echo this Poster's brilliance (and beauty ) If TP had said that she expected me to be friend with Mr. A chances are I would not have been so open to meeting him. It's human nature to buck against what we are told we must do; by that rational if you force it too soon or too quickly you will ultimately end up feeling very awkward about the friendship and the metamour's role in your life. While the relationship you have with the metamour is, as TP said, independent of your relationship with your SO you have to realize on some level you have to have a relationship with the person, even if it is strictly for the logistics of the arrangement. If that is all you want then that's perfectly acceptable and it is something that you will have to put your foot down on. Numerous times during the development of TP and Mr. A's relationship I had to vocalize when I felt things were progressing too quickly, if your SO is not willing to hear you out and push ahead at a pace that is uncomfortable, then you really need to evaluate the value they have placed on you in the relationship.

By the same token I stayed open to the possibility of friendship. Ultimately you have to think that you are the metamour will have some things in common since from my own experience TP's taste in men has not altered drastically from her and I beginning our relationship.
I'm not opposed to being friends. When Maca asked me if she could come here the first time they met in person, and meet all of us, I readily agreed. It was a good time. I also was agreeable to her coming again the following weekend and hanging out with all of us at my extended family's "family get together". She was admittedly the only person there who wasn't family. But, it was fine.

I actually was just expressing that I need to find the place where I can readily agree to meeting their needs to spend time together with the rest of us (I have no issue with them spending time together alone, that's easy)
AND
still not piss either of them off when I need to not participate in group activities....

Evidently-that was the WRONG thing to say-because as I said a minute ago, it set off a wildfire.

The thing is-I have a full life too. I have 5 kids, 2 of which are homeschooled and one whose 3 and with me full time. A grandbaby on the way in the next two months-daughter lives here too. My own relationship with GG to attend as well.... not to mention friends and family who want to spend time with me.

I am not opposed to spending some time with Maca's NL. I'm not opposed to getting to know her. I just want to be sure that it doesn't take over my life. It's not my NRE............
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  #16  
Old 01-03-2011, 09:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Why would someone try to wear someone else's shoes in the first place? First of all, it's gross, and second, most people have their own shoes. It would be extremely bizarre for anyone, let alone maca's girlfriend to try to wear your shoes. I don't think you have anything to worry about there.

Also, if he takes off his wedding band, why would he let her wear it? Why would she WANT to wear HIS wedding band. That is just weird. It doesn't even make sense. It probably wouldn't even fit a woman.

These are extremely odd things to be concerned about.
Neon, I wasn't concerned and I didn't say them to her.
His rings fit me..... In fact I'm wearing them right now. He burnt himself when the electricity arc'd yesterday while he was working on my stepdad's truck. So he took them off and gave them to me.

His shoes fit me, he and I often wear each others shoes.
Furthermore-as I said, my mom wore my shoes all of the time when I lived with her, drove me nuts.

I have LOTS of shoes and she would grab a pair of dress shoes that went with an outfit she was wearing and go out. But then she wouldn't be careful about where she walked, and bring them back covered in mud or whatever.

Furthermore, my friend Creole and I wear the same size shoes and there have been many times that we've borrowed a pair of dress shoes or boots from each other for a special date.

As for the oddity of these requests, it wasn't so much that I thought she would do these things, it's that WE do and I needed HIM to understand that just because he and I do it with one another doesn't mean that because he falls in love with her she gets the privilege as well.
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  #17  
Old 01-03-2011, 09:48 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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ok, but if i were in the GF's role, it would never cross my mind to wear your shoes, and i would refuse to wear someone else's wedding band if i were invited to do so.
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  #18  
Old 01-03-2011, 09:50 PM
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I understand Neon.
Like I said-I didn't say any of that to HER. Only to him and only in a private journal that we share.

My primary point was that I don't think I've asked for any limitations warranting her flipping out that I was making her unwelcome.

I only listed the whole of the list here, because I didn't want to "taint" the true picture of what I asked for.

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  #19  
Old 01-03-2011, 10:05 PM
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It sounds to me like your being very reasonable, asking for what you need and not putting draconic restrictions on their interactions. Hell, they have fewer restrictions than I have with my married SO and I've been with him over 6 months. I hope that when the dust settles, your feelings become apparent to her. I don't know you terribly well, but you seem to be a very welcoming, gracious person with good communication skills. Dealing with the wife of your SO can be intimidating sometimes and I know that i am often worrying and interpreting any slight sign of unhappiness or irritation from A as being my fault and that she must really hate me after all. But I usually am just being paranoid and insecure. So I know how easy it is to interpret actions and words from that angle even if you're the only one that sees it.
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  #20  
Old 01-03-2011, 10:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Evidently it's not so "ok" with her.
Because the post I put in here, was my blog. She (unbeknownst to me previously) is following my blog.
The post set off a flurry of wildfire yesterday. Her take was that I was degrading her and she was "unwelcome". I've re-read what I wrote and I don't see it. I've also heard feedback from a number of others who read the blog religiously and without knowing that she was upset, they all that it was great that I put all of the thought into a post that was clarifying my needs/desires and stated that my goal was to find a compromise that allowed for them to move at their pace, and me/her to move at a different pace.
WTF? I don't see how you were being unreasonable at all. In fact, you were willing to bend more than many would. I'll suspect that her emotions are running high after NYE and it may be clouding her objectivity to your post. That and she hasn't read enough of your blog or spent enough time with you to understand that what she may see as harsh, is just bluntness.

Quote:
Maca didn't sidestep because she was upset, which I appreciate. He was very clear with me that he thought what I wrote was very reasonable and sensible and helpful to him and her.
Yeah Maca.

I totally got your post about people seeing the real you and how it can take years to even feel comfortable with others. I came to a realization a few months ago, that I don't really have but one true friend. There are people who I have know for 10-15 years, and yet if I up an moved tomorrow, I probably wouldn't stay in contact with them. Your post gave me some items to look at in myself as to the reasons why I keep everyone at arms length. Even as I look back on my relationship with my one true friend, I kept her at a distance for years before things finally gelled between us.

We each have certain things that we consider private and feel utterly betrayed when that privacy is breached. It doesn't matter if someone else thinks it's silly or irrational, there is always reasons and that privacy should be honored. When I thought my husband had brought a lover home to our house (cheating), I was understandably upset, but it was the thought that someone had been in MY bed that sent me into anxiety attacks. I had never had anxiety attacks before, so this was something new to me. I couldn't even sit on the bed to put my shoes on, much less sleep there until after we started therapy. It didn't bother me to sleep on the couch, where if this person was in my house, they would have also been.
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