The "I'm not cheating" conundrum

[ray]

I went on a date with a guy and he was ok with me dating some one else. But he'd already been introduced to poly...so I guess he doesn't count. Sadly, there wasn't much chemistry. I know that I struggled feeling guilty about dating a married guy for awhile. Now I'm mostly ok. Just if they're having a fight or disagreement, I'll worry that it's my fault. Or if A seems down, I'll worry that it has something to do with me. Luckily, they have other problems besides me. And I doubt that 'problem' is the word they'd use to describe me anyway.

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by ray

I went on a date with a guy and he was ok with me dating some one else. But he'd already been introduced to poly...so I guess he doesn't count. Sadly, there wasn't much chemistry. I know that I struggled feeling guilty about dating a married guy for awhile. Now I'm mostly ok. Just if they're having a fight or disagreement, I'll worry that it's my fault. Or if A seems down, I'll worry that it has something to do with me. Luckily, they have other problems besides me. And I doubt that 'problem' is the word they'd use to describe me anyway.

Mr. A used to get quite worried about discussions Indigo and I would have. At first, they were "transitioning to poly" discussions and while they weren't about him specifically, I could understand his fear. But he was never the focus of these talks; it was poly in general. I always told him, if it wasn't him, it'd be someone else experiencing the growing pains.

Now, he will ask me if everything is alright when Indigo texts me. Everything is fine; Indigo's usually telling me about the pets or asking a question about house stuff, or just sending texts into the ether for me to read when I want.

He struggled with the guilt, too. We took Mono's advice. When Indigo was comfortable, he made friendship overtures to Mr. A and has since welcomed him whole-heartedly in our home. It was much more difficult for him to feel like the other man when he had a rapport with Indigo.

[Olderwoman]

Originally Posted by myelsewhere

TWhy do you think people act like that about the cheating vs. poly admission? What are your experiences with it? Have you ever lied and said you were cheating just to get some action? (DH wouldn't go that route, just curious about the experience of others.) If so, how did it end up?

Very entertaining and humorous thread!

But to visit the main topic I can answer this question from a non-poly viewpoint because I have never been in a poly relationship... but I have dated married men in the past who were cheating.

The reason I dated married men: (and more than one at a time) was that I could have my needs met and also maintain my autonomy. (So I am thinking... is autonomy the the right word?)

Autonomy: Dictionary.com: independence or freedom, as of the will or one's actions: the autonomy of the individual.

Yep its the right word.

To continue: Why date more than one married man at a time?

1. Because a married man usually did not have enough free time to spend with me.

2. At the time, I was not interested in getting married.

3. I liked the variety.

Back to the O.P.'s question.

If I had met a married man who made it a point to say that he was polyamorus, first I would ask him what that meant. (At that time they simply said they were in an "open marriage." The term Polyamory had not been common or used then.

The reason I would not have been interested in that then, is because "open marriage" often translated as "we are swingers" or "wife swappers" and I was not looking for that, not into group sex or orgies or a same sex relationship.

I have changed a lot since then. I eventually stopped dating married men because I had no respect for their dishonesty. At that point if a married man would ask me out, I would tell them, "only if its okay with your wife."

Today, if I met a married man who wanted to date me and he said his wife approved of him seeing other women, I might want to meet his wife to confirm that. (But not because I am interested in a threesome, or in his wife as a sexual partner.)

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Olderwoman

Today, if I met a married man who wanted to date me and he said his wife approved of him seeing other women, I might want to meet his wife to confirm that. (But not because I am interested in a threesome, or in his wife as a sexual partner.)

yes I would highly suggest that... you don't have to be best buds or have sex together, but just knowing she knows is good enough... it's not excellent in my opinion because really poly seems to work best if metamours are friendly and working together as a team to construct the time needed to make sure everyone is happy. It takes a huge weight off your shared love too.

I had a really crap experience with a married man that said his wife knew. We feel in love and then he abruptly ended it because his wife found out. He must of told her that he never loved me because she emailed me a year later and said she was sorry that she had pulled the rug out from under me, and knows now that her husband needed more sex and that they were working on that by inviting women into their relationship.... I was heart broken all over again and wrote back that actually, no.... he had said he loved me and it was more than sex. I explained poly to her and that we had talked about it. She respectfully wrote back that she thought I was very brave and that it wasn't for her and that she was not looking to start up something with me in terms of her hubby.... more hurt.... I wrote to him and said "WTF!" and he didn't write back. I told her she could write if she wanted to discuss poly as a concept but that I have moved on....

Ya, check! I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. She hurt, I hurt, he hurt... totally not worth the NRE and NRE sex that comes with it... the memory of that lasts a short time when the pain of cheating is piled on. I prefer pure experiences of love and connection... getting in touch with the wife of a man that says he wants to start something is kind of awkward but far less of a emotional situation that the result of cheating... it shows good integrity to respect others and honour their relationships anyways... that brings nothing but good stuff I think.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

This. When I tell some people that we'd agreed we can both see other people, the reaction from some of them is along the lines of "That's great! When can I do you?".

This. I have a friend from high school whose going through a divorce and knows I'm poly. He quotes the open and honest communication thing and then practically begs to get in my pants and since I've said no he assumes that I'm seeing someone else (I am but its not any of his business) and since I won't tell him who it is (again none of his business) he assumes its someone he knows and therefore needs to prove to me that he's better, more powerful, whatever than them. Wolf and Wendigo had a good laugh at this, but we've also stopped letting him drink at our house because he thinks that since I'm poly I won't mind if he sticks his hand in places it doesn't belong and that Wolf will be okay with it.

[Olderwoman]

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter

This. I have a friend from high school whose going through a divorce and knows I'm poly. He quotes the open and honest communication thing and then practically begs to get in my pants and since I've said no he assumes that I'm seeing someone else (I am but its not any of his business) and since I won't tell him who it is (again none of his business) he assumes its someone he knows and therefore needs to prove to me that he's better, more powerful, whatever than them. Wolf and Wendigo had a good laugh at this, but we've also stopped letting him drink at our house because he thinks that since I'm poly I won't mind if he sticks his hand in places it doesn't belong and that Wolf will be okay with it.

eeewww

That reminds me of how the older generation... (even older than me)... always assumed that a divorced woman was an easy conquest and desperately in need of their services. LOL

[BrigidsDaughter]

It's really starting to get annoying because he is friends with Wendigo and we all game together. We literally have to kick him out after game to have any time together; while I don't want to invite him into our private relationship, there are times when I just wish that I could tell him to go the eff home so I can have sex with my boyfriend. But I feel that would just cause unnecessary drama.

[Indigomontoya]

Well I can't really speak about being approached by women and having to tell them I'm married and poly, mainly because I've never been approached...that's a bit of a lament....but having had experience letting women who might have been interested know about poly I can say that none of them really liked the idea of not confirming with TP first and before that ever came up most rejected the idea of a relationship outright.

[RfromRMC]

Sadly, the gay male community often seems confused that we don't cheat.
We'll often get some dude leering at us creepily and say "So you're a threesome eh? That's hot...ever wanna foursome??"
Ugh.
M will usually wave his ringfinger (we have 3 matching rings) and say "I don't see one of these on you dude. So, NO."

[Olderwoman]

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter

It's really starting to get annoying because he is friends with Wendigo and we all game together. We literally have to kick him out after game to have any time together; while I don't want to invite him into our private relationship, there are times when I just wish that I could tell him to go the eff home so I can have sex with my boyfriend. But I feel that would just cause unnecessary drama.

Tell him in a very serious manner that he is not going to get laid here ever...so if that is why he is hanging around he should go home.