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  #21  
Old 08-29-2009, 07:30 AM
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This thread, along with attending our monthly poly meeting, got me to thinking about my requirements to be healthy in my relationship and in the agreed upon boundaries Redpepper and I have.

I was explaining polyfidelity to one of the group members and the look I got in return made me pause and reflect. It wasn't disapproval or judgement but it was genuine disbelief I think. It had a lot to do with my total compersion for what Redpepper and her husband when I can't even fathom the idea of another man coming into her life above the depth of a close friend...i.e sexual intimacy of many forms.

I had a chat with her about how I felt things were maturing in our group as well as in other areas socially where she is finding community that she so badly wants. I told her I was feeling selfish and that my requirements were unfair to her in light of her just finding all of these interesting, open minded and poly friends.

I was not saying anything had changed for me as far as how much I loved her and in wanting to continue building our future. Nor am I any more able to or even want to alter my boundaries. I wanted her to know that regardless of what happens to us, I will always love her and be a part of her life in as positive a way as I can be forever. It kind of felt like giving her the option to be set free for lack of a better description and letting her know there could never be anything other than love in my heart for her.

If things were to change for us we will find a way to be in each others lives...we both feel it is meant to be no other way.

I asked her to always be true to herself and she re-affirmed that she has what she wants and is fulfilled. Neither of us can look way into the future and see what will transpire. We will continue to work towards or goals and see where the journey takes us.

I guess the purpose of this comment is simply a reminder to check in with your boundaries even if it may change things or they seem to be working fine. Being true to each other and ourselves is the first priority in building a long and happy life with those you love...In my humble opinion
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 08-29-2009 at 03:39 PM.
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  #22  
Old 08-29-2009, 03:36 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Honestly, I make it a point not to get involved with partners who have a lot of rules in their primary relationships. Generally, when I become involved with a partner or couple as a secondary relationship to an already existing primary relationship that has a lot of rules in place, I find various situations can come into play:

1) The person or couple is using me to enhance their own relationship with each other. No thanks. I'm not an accessory. I'm a person with needs.

2) The couple is insecure in their relationship which means that I have to constantly worry about inadvertantly hitting boundaries that create tension between all of us. Again, no thanks. I don't enjoy relationships where I have to walk on eggshells.

3) My relationship with that person does not have the ability to develop along it's own natural path because of restrictions placed upon it by other partners.


I understand the need for some couples to put these rules in place, but since it would restrict my freedom within the relationship as a third, it wouldn't be an appealing situation for me.

I honestly prefer to let love develop on it's own and let it grow along the path that's right for that relationship, and I would never want to place any restrictions on how my partners love (aside from safe sex practices for everyone involved). And also, when I'm involved with a couple, I've always found that the more secure they are in their relationship with each other, the more secure I am in my relationship with them.
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  #23  
Old 08-29-2009, 05:49 PM
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Honestly, I make it a point not to get involved with partners who have a lot of rules in their primary relationships.
I would agree with you Ceoli if it were an established poly couple. When my husband and I were starting out we made rules to protect our relationship and ourselves. I would think if I were looking again that would be very different now that we have experienced ourselves within poly. I have different rules for my husband than I did before and I am far more relaxed now that I know what we are capable of and I know he isn't going to leave me.
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  #24  
Old 08-29-2009, 06:19 PM
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I would agree with you Ceoli if it were an established poly couple. When my husband and I were starting out we made rules to protect our relationship and ourselves. I would think if I were looking again that would be very different now that we have experienced ourselves within poly. I have different rules for my husband than I did before and I am far more relaxed now that I know what we are capable of and I know he isn't going to leave me.
I'm not saying that it's wrong to have rules or anything like that. I'm just saying that I don't want to be involved in such a situation because it would probably end up being a very unfair situation for me as the person outside of the couple (whether I'm dating one or both of them). I would rather not bear the brunt of the issues that they're trying to work out. When entering a relationship, I don't want to be the tool a couple uses to work out the issues of their poly explorations.

Fortunately, I don't have to because I choose not to be involved in such situations.

I also think it isn't always about being established in poly for the couple, but it is always about being established as a couple. The couple that I'm dating now is very new to poly, but because of the security in their relationship, it creates an open and secure situation for me.
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Old 08-29-2009, 07:13 PM
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Hmmm. I think a great many of our rules are made to protect our children. When we started dating we were both in other relationships and there really weren't any rules other than complete honesty. Now we have to have them when considering any others, at least until the new relationship is secure. Think of it more as our kids are primary and we have to make rules for our relationships to be sure they aren't hurt or neglected by the other relationships or our reactions to them. There are some issues regarding our own insecurities when NRE comes into play, of course. But we'd never make rules to bind or use another person as a means to enhance our relationship, though I'd hope she would. We are quite secure, ever after the first other relationship didn't work out. Otherwise we would never consider poly again. Also, we are simply not looking, not hunting, not concerned with when or if a new relationship happens. We are just open to it. So we wouldn't expect anyone to wish for a relationship with us that didn't already understand and feel comfortable with our rules. And we wouldn't push, nor disrespect any rules she might have for herself.
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Last edited by XYZ123; 08-29-2009 at 07:21 PM.
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  #26  
Old 08-30-2009, 05:21 PM
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I'm not saying that it's wrong to have rules or anything like that. I'm just saying that I don't want to be involved in such a situation because it would probably end up being a very unfair situation for me as the person outside of the couple (whether I'm dating one or both of them). I would rather not bear the brunt of the issues that they're trying to work out. When entering a relationship, I don't want to be the tool a couple uses to work out the issues of their poly explorations.

Fortunately, I don't have to because I choose not to be involved in such situations.

I also think it isn't always about being established in poly for the couple, but it is always about being established as a couple. The couple that I'm dating now is very new to poly, but because of the security in their relationship, it creates an open and secure situation for me.
Well, if one is with an established couple wouldn't they have their own rules within their couple about finding someone ...? and then change them once they know what rules you have..... I hate this word "rules"... boundaries, expectations, considerations, these words seem more suited somehow.

I too would be very skeptical about coming into a relationship that is going to dictate where I fit into it. It sounds like you have experiences that have left you resentful about this. I am feeling resentful about this because my husband and I work very hard at making sure we are okay and that our relationship with Mono is okay. I know we call it a "V" but in terms of our commitment to each other we are a triad. Sure there is no intimacy between my men in the touching sense, but our "V" works because we all have rules together now.... this has changed with time and continues to mature and establish itself. In the beginning my husband and I needed our own rules to protect ourselves from people wanting to be with us that didn't work. We exercised these rules recently actually as a male friend of ours wanted to start a relationship with us. If we hadn't of had some rules around how to approach this we would be in a different place now.

I agree entirely with you Ceoli, but I want to be sure anyone reading this realizes the importance of having couple rules/goals (poly established or not) that change and grow when they meet another that works for them in a triad. That's all. It's not all about the third coming in and what they want, but about all three.
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  #27  
Old 08-30-2009, 05:38 PM
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Just talked to Mono and he seems to think you mean that you don't want to be dictated to as far as being able to see other people and do things that you want to do. If that is the case then I have no beef with what you say, no one should ever tell anyone what to do and have the expectation that they will do it.

I am referring to someone coming into a relationship that is already established and the couple thinking that they should have no rules in order to be appealing and keep the person coming in.... that isn't safe for the couple as it asks for a large amount of trust. I would certainly be very wary of someone who wants to dictate to me in that way... well, it just wouldn't be feasible and wouldn't happen.
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  #28  
Old 08-30-2009, 11:08 PM
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Ok, let's see if I can be clearer. First, I'm not particularly resentful about any of my experiences. I've learned from both the good and the bad and all of them help teach me how to build healthy relationships. And there is still much to learn, as I hope there will be for all of my life. I was talking about what some of my and my friends' experiences have been when rules hinder the building healthy relationships. Yes, I've been burned by couples who have been too insecure to understand how to treat me, but I took the lessons from that and took my own responsibility in letting it happen. The good thing is that experiences like that help me to feel even more secure about choosing who I get involved with.

Second, I agree that the word "rules" isn't always a fair description. However, there are times when it's a pretty accurate description. I think it's pretty important for any relationship to be built on agreements about how they are going to be treating each other. I like having clear agreements for how I would like my partner to treat me and vice versa, but I can't see setting out an agreement for how my partner is going to treat other people. It's not an agreement if the other person isn't even there yet to participate in the making of it. Especially if the goal of those agreements is to restrict the ability of my partner to love someone other than me. I cannot put rules on how my feelings develop, so how can I expect rules to control how my partner's feelings develop?
So it's not fair for me to set rules for how my partner should feel about other people. If those feelings start changing how my partner is fundamentally treating me, then of course there's an issue. But I don't see things like my partner spending a night with another lover as something that changes how he or she loves me.

I do agree that agreements and boundaries are good. I also think we agree that constant checking in around those boundaries is important for all involved. However, when rules are set out between the primary partners and only change in relationship to that and for the security of that partnership without consideration to the newer partnership (whether it's a satellite partnership or a triad or whatever) there's a much larger problem in play.

I'm just saying that I don't want to get involved with anyone who has preset rules about how how he or she is going to treat me and those rules being there for the sake of another person. To me, that means the agreement they have between each other isn't strong enough for me to feel secure in my relationship with one or both of them. This doesn't mean that I expect "carte blanch" or that I can come lording in with all my demands and needs and expect everything to be able to change to fit me. I have complete respect for agreements that exist between primaries and have no desire to force anything on that. However, I want to be able to build my own agreements without having preset rules forced on me too. So far, my experience has taught me that the more specific the rules are about how I'm going to be treated, the less strong the agreements are between the primary relationships I'm involved with or attached to.
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  #29  
Old 08-31-2009, 05:29 AM
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Wow, we have milked this topic haven't we Ceoli! Thanks for all that
I guess in the end it's all just what works for individuals and couples alike....
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Old 09-02-2010, 07:41 PM
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I'm actually pretty sexually liberal. So long as no one is being used, abused, or hurt, it's fine with me what goes on behind closed doors. It's only myself and lover(s) I feel I have any right to have opinions and comfort zones regarding.
But what if they WANT to be used, abused or hurt???

Ok, tangent - but I'm really glad to have found these threads on rules, boundaries and prescriptive... something or anothers... its been very helpful (and extremely unproductive for my work day!!)
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