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Old 01-02-2011, 05:19 PM
Jade Jade is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: in a house
Posts: 189
Default I read this

I cut this from the following web page: http://www.gettinbetter.com/dirtywork.html


Avoidance of direct communication is an insidious type of control issue that makes others feel emotionally unsafe, and undermines their trust in us. In the midst of trying to cope with the painful feelings this invokes, they might react in ways that are aggressive or hurtful in return. At this juncture, either they terminate the relationship, or we get to feel justified in leaving--but do we ever take ownership/responsibility for having maneuvered them into this position in the first place? If you've ever neglected to let someone know where they stood with you, and made them do your dirty work, you've earned a dishonorable discharge from that relationship.

My OSO does this, just stops communicating. Picks it up again, oh, whenever he feels like it, I guess. When faced with this, I find myself having a nasty reaction. I want to suddenly lose his number, take him off my friends list in the rpg game we play, that sort of crap. I have a desire to hurt him the way he has hurt me.

He stopped communicating via IM months ago, which I dealt with because we had texting and face to face contact (we're a quad in an LDR). We shared a good Christmas together, I thought. But suddenly, once again, he stops texting. Last time he did this, it was after what he called an "argument," but what I would describe as me expressing frustration with him.

Now I cannot honestly say he has "stopped" texting. I got an obvious mass mailer "happy new year" from him. But the change is clear. Here is my problem. My husband says, "it's not personal. he's been messed up since returning from Iraq. his own wife is having problems with him." I usually listen to my husband. Hell, I always listen to my husband, but I'm beginning to feel used. By taking texting out of the equation, we have what will be, at best, a relationship which involves face to face contact once every two months. I had hoped for once a month or every six weeks, but they have busier schedules, now permanent houseguests which have decreased the sex life between just the two of them, and are pursuing swinging interests as well. I may even buy that it's not personal, but it sure the heck is effed up.

Sigh. I'm not even sure why I'm sharing all this. Because I know it's just venting. Hell, he probably needs the dishonorable discharge. It would at least ease any pressure on him. My difficulty is, I don't move backwards. I don't take breaks. I'm pretty drama free but require communication maintenance. He is apparently unwilling to maintain and wants me to do his dirty work. He doesn't want to have to think about anything. He doesn't want to be responsible. I guess I should just give him what he wants; kill him kindness; let the relationship die a natural "whatever happened to them death"; and move on. One thing I know about him for certain, he goes after what he wants. When he stops wanting, there's no way to rekindle. I am much the same.
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