Understanding the psychology of monogamy and poly?

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by Lucidius

...........She said she was OK with that and had been in a poly relationship with another couple in the past, but wanted to build up our thing before we went there. Perfectly understandable.

Typical ignorance (true meaning). Exploring some multi-partner sex or even open relationships does NOT equal polyamory. You MAY be aware of this - she obviously isn't.

Originally Posted by Lucidius

Thing is, its been quite a while and she has basically done a 180. I've tried to talk to her about it, got a copy of the Ethical Slut, been patient, but I think it might be a lost cause

Yep, typical behavior and progression of immature relationships. Set the trap, tell em what you think they want to hear, collect your prize, then let it sit till it spoils and discard it for something fresher.

If she actually BELIEVES what you quote her as saying and you actually BELIEVE what you profess, the two of you are on opposite ends of the spectrum. There's no future here unless one or the other is willing to examine their belief system with an open mind and be prepared make changes where reality & facts conflict.


GS

[redpepper]

If this has been going on for some time and there has been no attempt by her to accept or better yet, understand, then I think that you are wasting your time and there is no future with her. Why waste what precious time you have in this life on those that only think of you in a negative way. Find like minded people in terms of the values you have and you can't go wrong I think. That doesn't mean they have to be poly, but have similar tolerances and acceptance of others... before you go though. Tell her this is what you intend to do. Nothing like giving the gift of honesty. It sounds like she might need a wake up call.

[MonoVCPHG]

You guys are different. You have fundamentally different aproaches to how you love and need that love returned to you. There's no right or wrong here and don't expect either of you to truly understand the other. I don't understand how poly works internally and I don't think RP understands how monogamy works internally. I'd say it's time to move on for both of you. You can't show her love the way she needs it and she can't show you love the way you need it. Short term pain, long term gain...both of you will likely be a lot healthier.

[Fidelia]

You were clear with here from the outset of your relationship that you are poly-oriented and that you want a poly relationship. She said she would agree with that, but her actions since then do not agree with her words. Any time a person's word disagree with their actions, trust their ACTIONS.

Perhaps she experienced a sincere change of heart, perhaps she is a cowgirl. Either way, she has not moved toward the relationship you've consistently been saying you want.

IMO, it's time for you to insist that your needs are as important as hers. You've been very clear that you want a poly relationship. If she doesn't, the two of you are incompatible on this basic and vital point, and it's time for each of you to find partners who are better suited to you. Better to make the break now than to let even more time be wasted.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by Lucidius

She has insulted numerous past lovers and friends of mine for being poly, calling them unhealthy psychologically damaged sluts who are incapable of love, when in fact, their all pretty well-adjusted happy people.
.

Wow. She has issues. I'd say she's not ready for *any* serious relationship.

Walk on, I say.