Very new and need advice!

*sigh* How do I make myself more clear? He is the one that says when, where and how for everything we do, like a boss. The only thing he don't tell me how to do is my job at work, as we both do the same thing, and when we work it's strictly professional.

Yes, he is also the master in the bedroom, in the sexual-roleplay terminology. But that really is none of anyone's business. I got carried away with typing. Hard going from a quiet girl to talking about ANYTHING. *blushes*

Untamed, it is important whether or not you have a Master/slave relationship to the type of advice we give you. People keep asking. You keep insinuating it's not our business. Well, yes and no.

If you are engaged in power exchange, your Master may view the denial that's concerning you as part of the power play. If it is, the advice may shift to being a bit more specific about the boundaries of those power dynamics.

Overall, it seems that you're basically ready to accept the terms he's laid out for you, even if grudgingly so. I've never been involved in power-exchange play, so I can't speak to how BDSM in the bedroom spills over into daily decision-making. Maybe others will have advice for you.

I would have been pretty clear by now what I was willing to accept and not, and walked away if he couldn't accommodate my basic needs of fairness and courtesy (that you've expressed in several of your posts).

Simple advice-- separate your needs from your wants. Your needs form your boundaries. You can negotiate around your wants. Be willing to kiss and say goodbye when your needs can't be met.

I don't know what else would be helpful.

You're saying he is your Master, but in a tone which separates it from BDSM. It really does sound like you're just using sarcasm, and badly, at that. If you're talking actual an M/s relationship, then isn't the point that you accept it or leave the relationship? I don't see how it is anything you can really complain about. You must have known what you were getting into.

However, if it is just him trying to control everything to suit him, he's just being selfish, and I personally would make sure he knew exactly where I stood and exactly what I expect to happen. If it couldn't, I'd leave. Easy as.

UntamedHottie said:

Yes, he is also the master in the bedroom in the sexual-roleplay terminology. But that really is none of anyone's business. *blushes*

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If you read some more at this forum, you will see that frank discussion of people's sex lives is quite a substantial part of the sharing that takes place here. We're all anonymous. It is quite refreshing to have such a venue to discuss sex and get clarity on the role it plays in one's life. No one is asking about your situation for their own prurient interest. It is simply that many folks here are very knowledgeable about "alternatives" such as BDSM, or whatever other sexual-relationship dynamics there are out there. I learn every time I come here, and it's had a great effect on my sex life. Having a clear picture of what you are into simply allows other participants here to give you more helpful answers. So, no need to blush.

Join a forum where the point IS to discuss very personal issues, start a thread about yourself, and then tell everyone that your life is none of anyone's business. No problem.

Kind of defeats the purpose of it all, you know?

Maybe you'd be better off just lurking. We can handle that.

I didnt come on here to discuss my sex life. Sex is beautiful thing and I love it. (I'm just not getting enough.)

I came here to find out how one allows the one you totally love to go off with another and do the same thing he does to you. When I'm with him, it's all wonderful. He makes me feel like a queen. But when he is away from me, I feel like I'm being treated like crap and ignored.

UntamedHottie said:

I didnt come on here to discuss my sex life. Sex is beautiful thing and I love it. (I'm just not getting enough.) I came here to find out how one allows the one you totally love to go off with another and do the same thing he does to you. When I'm with him its all wonderful... but when he is away from me I feel like I'm being treated like crap and ignored.

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What do you expect from him when he is "away" from you? Do you expect him to be texting you every five minutes just so you don't "feel treated like crap and ignored"?

I would suggest that when he's away from you, you find something else worthwhile to occupy your mind so that your imagination stops running wild with counter-productive thoughts.

You knew he was non-monogamous when you fell for him, did you not?

LMFAO. No I don't expect him to be texting me every 5 mins. He has enough texting going on with his others. LOL. Plus we don't text each other unless he is telling me he is on his way here or made it home.

When I met him, all I knew was he was married. He did not tell me he was seeing others till after I told him I was in love with him. I believe it was two days after I said it. I felt really hurt, angry and like my heart had been ripped out and shoved in a blender.

UntamedHottie said:

When I met him, all I knew was he was married. He did not tell me he was seeing others till after I told him I was in love with him, two days after I said it. I felt really hurt, angry and like my heart had been ripped out and shoved in a blender.

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Yeah, that does sound shitty. I can't help you with that.

Yeah, it was totally shitty.

So... what is it that you love about this guy? What is it about him that is so great?

I'll tell you right now, if I were to judge this by my own experience (which I realize is biased, but you're here to hear what other people have to say), and by what I read that you wrote on here, then I would think that you are having such great sex with Max (which is none of my business, as we talked about already) that you're tending to idealize him. Perhaps he's not as wonderful as you think he is. You've only known him for a month, or less.

I don't think you love him. I think you love the idea of what you want him to be.

If he loved you, he'd treat you better. Sometimes, when a guy says he "loves" you, it's short for "I love the way you suck my cock, baby," or something like that.

LMFAO

Sorry, I had a good laugh at that. It was probably not to be meant as funny.

So what do I love about this guy? Hmmmm so many things. Everything from looks, personality, to attitude, humor. Just everything. He is what I been looking for.

What is it about him that is so great? Well, let's just say before I met him, he walked into the office and I just about wet my pants. He is HOT!!!!!!!! The bad boy look I always fall for. Then we spoke and I nearly fainted. Sexy voice. WOW.

That was when I found out he was married. From then on, I looked forward to going to work just to see him.

Yeah, he loves the way I suck his cock, but that's not why he loves me.

*sigh* There goes the privacy on my sexual relations again. Arrrgggh!

I could go on and on, but I don't wanna bore anyone that reads this.

Ah, I must say, you sound very young. Although you were involved with a married man for ten years, you come across as very inexperienced -- with the relating part of relationships, that is.

You also seem to be very much in lust, rather than love. Sorry, that's how I see it.

As for your original question, dealing with the kind of relationship you have requires maturity and being very well-versed in knowing yourself and what you want, and the ability to express yourself when your needs are not being met. Frankly, it sounds like you are infatuated (aka feeling "new relationship energy," as poly people call it), and let Max pretty much get away with anything he wants, while you wait, giggle, and make jokes about it, even though you are clearly not satisfied with your situation.

You need to remember that you have the final say in how you're treated. It seems like you need to boost up your self-esteem. Keep reading these boards and asking questions, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you.

I am really inexperienced in this poly thingy.

Yes, I was with a married man for a long time, but we were together all the time till he called it quits.

I haven't had that many men in my life. I can count on one hand the men that were in my life. Max is the second one I have ever loved. The rest were just bedroom fun, so to speak.

I'm hitting 40, so no, I'm not young.

Gosh, Untamed. He's a bastard. He has no right to tell you who you may or may not see, whether it's a man, a woman, a lover, a friend or family member. I'm glad he gets your rocks off. I understand he is simmering with testosterone and male yang energy, but seriously? At your age you should tread more carefully. You come across as a young 20-something.

He's what I call a Dom-ass. I'm fairly well-versed in 24/7 Master/slave relationships (my gf has been a lifestyle slave to two Masters and I've done and experienced kink, power exchanges, etc., quite a bit). A good Master has their slave's growth and best interests at heart. This guy comes across as a user and a player.

Whatever you two are doing, it's not polyamory. Being polyamorous depends on complete honesty and respect between both partners. A few people subscribe to a "one-penis policy," but I find those relationships sexist and outdated.

If he's hurting you and not being transparent already, after one month, what further hurt will he lay on you as you get more attached and powerless?

Max says I can see others, but there has to be love involved. It can't be friends with benefits, or fuckbuddies, or whatever people call it nowadays. I have not seen him now for a week. Who knows when I will see him again?

I went to his place for couple days. On the second day, he took off, saying he was going to "work." He did not come home till 0500 hours, and he smelled like sex. I was devastated that he would bring me to his home, but then leave me with his wife while he went off and did his thing.

I confronted him about it. All he kept saying was, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." At that moment, I told him to drive me home, as I don't appreciate being treated that way. If he wants to have sexual relations with someone else, he can do it on his own time, not my time. He'd begged me to come to his place for a couple days. I was DEVASTATED!!!!!!!! I actually punched him and called him an INCONSIDERATE BASTARD.

My rule, and he knew from the time we started talking about all this, is when it's MY time I expect it to be MY TIME. No text messages to his other girlfriend, only to his wife. That's all I have ever asked.

Now if I bring anything up about this poly thing, he gets frustrated and angry and tells me I'm jealous. I'm not jealous at all. I really don't care what he does anymore. It's obvious he is just a horndog. But so am I. So where can I get some extra attention to make me happy? I don't want to love anyone else, as I honestly don't think I could.

If anyone knew about my past history, they would understand. But he doesn't, and neither does his wife. So I brought up "How about with other females?" he jumps in and says, "Only if I can be part of it."

*sigh* It's a no-win situation for me, but he can have everything.

Any suggestions for how I can get some extra non-loving attention?

Truthfully, I don't know what you see in this guy. He does not respect you and is extremely arrogant and inconsiderate. Oh, he only has so much time because he needs to make all his women happy? What a load of crap. You need to realize you deserve to be treated well. You are your own person and he doesn't own you. Why shouldn't you pursue love? You certainly aren't getting love from him!! You want something good in your life. I say: be strong, get out of this relationship, and don't look back!

You are allowing him to treat you like this. If you get something out of it, by all means continue; but don't come here and complain unless you plan to take steps to change things.

This is SO NOT a poly relationship, by the way. Poly relationships are built on mutual respect, compromise, and communication and I see none of that happening here.

By your own accounts on here, Max sounds like a proper prick. Read through the stuff you have shared and make a list of the good and bad. You have very specific examples of the bad and nothing solid about the good. I wil give him this though-- he definitely has a talent for control and manipulation. Anyone reading this thread would be hard-pressed to find the existence of love towards you. Maybe it's time for you to take control and tell him he can be your fuckbuddy, but you are not stopping the search for some one who actually loves you.

Wow, Max knows nothing about polyamory if he is dropping the "jealousy" card down because you aren't sucking it up and dealing with his going out to fuck another women when he has a house full of dedicated women at home. That isn't jealousy. He can't put this on you, my dear.

He has a real problem with ego. I can't believe his wife is putting up with it. What did she say? Is this something they have worked out, or does he just go and do whatever he wants? I guess if she is okay with that type of behaviour and you aren't, then maybe you are just doing poly differently.

The thing is, polyamory means dating multiple people ethically. (At least, that's the version that has not been bastardized by dating sites.) Does he think that polyamory means what he reads and learns about on certain dating sites? (I will not repeat the name of them here.)

Seriously, there is some really hardcore miscommunication here, at the very least. If not, then he is an asshole and I would dump his ass.

Good for you telling it like it is when you had him take you home.