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  #11  
Old 01-01-2011, 10:34 PM
UntamedHottie UntamedHottie is offline
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Looked for that Poly lessons learned and couldnt find it...well I ran outta time LOL.

sighs....Im just gonna let it all slide and see how I feel....last night pissed me off though. Someone kept messaging the dam cell phone and he wouldnt tell me who it was. So Im assuming its his other girl. We were having a cat nap between our jobs we had booked. So no sleep for me.

Anyways HAPPY NEW YEAR and I am gonna make some changes for myself...not sure what as I was informed Im not allowed to see others unless I love them...tried to tell him only as a friend but not as a lover....he says NOPE you cant see them then. Oh well gotta figure out something LOL!!!!!!!!!
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  #12  
Old 01-01-2011, 10:49 PM
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. . . I was informed Im not allowed to see others unless I love them...tried to tell him only as a friend but not as a lover....he says NOPE you cant see them then.
Being told with whom I am "allowed" to hang out would simply be unacceptable to me. What kind of crap is that? I choose my friends and know best who is good for me and whom I wish to have in my life. Your bf appears to only have his own best interest at heart, and doesn't seem to care enough about you. Can you really live with being dictated to, in that way? Also, I think it would benefit you to examine why you find a married man who is cheating and lying more amenable than someone who is open and poly. If there is any common thread in what you're written about here, it would seem to have something to do with your self-esteem and the kind of treatment by others you feel you deserve.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-02-2011 at 12:30 AM.
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  #13  
Old 01-02-2011, 12:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UntamedHottie View Post
Looked for that Poly lessons learned and couldnt find it...well I ran outta time LOL.

sighs....Im just gonna let it all slide and see how I feel....last night pissed me off though. Someone kept messaging the dam cell phone and he wouldnt tell me who it was. So Im assuming its his other girl. We were having a cat nap between our jobs we had booked. So no sleep for me.

Anyways HAPPY NEW YEAR and I am gonna make some changes for myself...not sure what as I was informed Im not allowed to see others unless I love them...tried to tell him only as a friend but not as a lover....he says NOPE you cant see them then. Oh well gotta figure out something LOL!!!!!!!!!
It sounds like you're not getting what you need out of the relationship AND he's telling you can't seek that from others.

It may be challenging, but figuring out what your needs are and communicating them compassionately seems like a useful thing to do in this situation.

You have to be willing to give up the relationship, however, if it's not or can't meet your needs. Love is not an excuse to subjugate your legitimate needs and desires to that of another. Particularly, if he's not willing acknowledge those needs and compromise as appropriate. Being willing to deal with the pain of ending a relatoinship early when it's clear you're not going to get what you need for the relationship to be successful is healthy and reduces your aggregate sorrow.
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Last edited by MindfulAgony; 01-02-2011 at 02:56 AM.
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  #14  
Old 01-02-2011, 02:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UntamedHottie View Post
Looked for that Poly lessons learned and couldnt find it...well I ran outta time LOL.

sighs....Im just gonna let it all slide and see how I feel....last night pissed me off though. Someone kept messaging the dam cell phone and he wouldnt tell me who it was. So Im assuming its his other girl. We were having a cat nap between our jobs we had booked. So no sleep for me.

Anyways HAPPY NEW YEAR and I am gonna make some changes for myself...not sure what as I was informed Im not allowed to see others unless I love them...tried to tell him only as a friend but not as a lover....he says NOPE you cant see them then. Oh well gotta figure out something LOL!!!!!!!!!
"poly lessons we have learned" thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858

Bullshit on the telling you what to do. He can request that you don't and offer you some reasons why he would struggle. Talk about his feelings and concerns, but to "tell" you what you will and will not do is just bullshit. Unless he is your Dom or master in a BDSM way, which I suspect he isn't. If he wants to be, then that is for you to decide and negotiate. It doesn't sound like negotiating is his way of doing things. I wonder what his wife has been forced to put up with... well, she wouldn't be forced as she has free will, but if he pulls that shit on you, then what is he pulling on others?

Sorry, I know this is a man you love, but with this new info he sounds like a control freak that likes to collect women. Blah might not be true, but it might help to tell him that is how he comes across. That is very unappealing and no way to get the respect and love that he needs.
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  #15  
Old 01-02-2011, 03:24 AM
UntamedHottie UntamedHottie is offline
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Apparently she is the one that got him to do this poly thingy. I was just gonna go find some other guy to keep me happy in the bedroom department but not allowed to have F-buddies. Gotta love the dude first....well I explained to him I have no other love to give as my heart has been trampled, squashed and blended up too many times.

And yes he is the Master (Boss) me I just do what I am told. But at this point I think its just not fair that he is allowed to make love to others as he loves them but Im not allowed to have just plain old sex with NO CONNECTIONS, just satisfaction as I am not getting enough. Once a week just dont cut it for me. LOL!! Too much info...onto something else...

For the 3 hours that we had ALONE time, even though we were in the same buildings for 14 hours, this was an hour before work and two hours between work...which is my time with him....his cell phone kept going off constantly....I hated it. I wanted to throw the dang thing away....when I asked if it was wifey and how everything was at home and stuff he didnt say anything, so I assumed it was his other girl...He kept quiet like he was hiding. So that pissed me off more. So I told him that I hated his cell phone going off all the time when we are together, this is MY time...the answer I got was....."ah okay, sorry"
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  #16  
Old 01-02-2011, 06:10 AM
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Do you have a master/slave dom/sub relationship with him? Or were you being sarcastic... cause that would really make a difference.

It sounds like you have some negotiating to do. I was told by my husband that if he and I are together then I am not to look at my phone. I realized that if I had to tell him what I was reading then I would be uncomfortable and would feel like I am disrespecting him. I told him that I will check it to see who it is, but if it is about something that I can't say out loud then I won't engage the person... they have to wait. This was find with him and how we do things to this day. We negotiated where the boundary would be that was comfortable...

You chould do this too I think... he has no say in what you do with your life unless you give him control to. I am not sure why you are giving him that control and then complaining about it.

If you don't like it then I suggest talking about it and negotiating until you come to an agreement that works for both of you... he has given his ideas about things, now you can give him yours. You don't think that is fair, so what would be fair? If he doesn't like what you think would work for you then he can see what he can get out of what you say that he does think would work for him... it all inches closer to the boundary... really, if you think about it, it isn't something to be upset about as its a beginning start line. If you chose to see it that way that is.
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  #17  
Old 01-02-2011, 07:42 AM
UntamedHottie UntamedHottie is offline
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He is the Master I am the slave.

He has now agreed to just see who it is and then leave the phone alone if its NOT immediate family (wife and/or kids)

I dont want him to have the control over who I see or pick as F-buddies. I cant see the issue with having another person without the love connection just friends with benefit kind of deal. You dont need to love another person to have sexual relations. I have tried to tell him that and he still dont agree.....I will wait till Monday to talk to him in person again.
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  #18  
Old 01-02-2011, 07:45 AM
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Originally Posted by UntamedHottie View Post
He is the Master I am the slave.

He has now agreed to just see who it is and then leave the phone alone if its NOT immediate family (wife and/or kids)

I dont want him to have the control over who I see or pick as F-buddies. I cant see the issue with having another person without the love connection just friends with benefit kind of deal. You dont need to love another person to have sexual relations. I have tried to tell him that and he still dont agree.....I will wait till Monday to talk to him in person again.
I'm not exactly knowledgeable in M/s, but wouldn't him being your Master mean he actually has authority over you?
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  #19  
Old 01-02-2011, 07:51 AM
UntamedHottie UntamedHottie is offline
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Only reason I say he is the master is cuz he is the one that makes the call... where to meet and when blah blah blah. He is the one that is married and I am the single girl waiting for him. Waiting is TORTURE for me. Plus he is the master in the bedroom stuff too but you dont need to know that LOL!
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  #20  
Old 01-02-2011, 08:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UntamedHottie View Post
Only reason I say he is the master is cuz he is the one that makes the call... where to meet and when blah blah blah. He is the one that is married and I am the single girl waiting for him. Waiting is TORTURE for me. Plus he is the master in the bedroom stuff too but you dont need to know that LOL!
So you're not talking Master/slave as in Dominance & Submission / BDSM / sexual roleplay terminology? I get the sense you're just using the term jokingly, saying he's the Master. It would help to clarify your relationship for people to offer insight or answers.
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