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  #11  
Old 01-02-2011, 03:24 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Okay then, you already know the answers to your questions and the solutions to your problem and you are just expressing yourself. Perhaps I should have known that (as you do wax a bit philosophical.)

I see the question you pose and I also see that you do not need or want anyone to actually answer it.

(Why then would you want anyone else's opinion I wonder.)

Good luck in your journey.
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  #12  
Old 01-02-2011, 03:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
Okay then, you already know the answers to your questions and the solutions to your problem and you are just expressing yourself. Perhaps I should have known that (as you do wax a bit philosophical.)

I see the question you pose and I also see that you do not need or want anyone to actually answer it.

(Why then would you want anyone else's opinion I wonder.)

Good luck in your journey.
Because I do... I like to learn things and possibly stand corrected if my opinions are flawed.

Strangely enough that comes from inviting others to comment on the question that I have already answered based on my own values... in order to verify or find the flaws in my own judgement I seek the opinions and experiences of others. Much in the same way I could ask about which is the best tea - I already know what I like - however am willing to try something else if it sounds nice, I might like it too, or even like it more... life tends to be more interesting when you do not assume that your opinion and answer is the only way to go.

I do not seek to be attacked via your own personal assumptions of my question (which I did clarify for you twice) or your assumptions of my character.

You seem to be incapable of hearing that I was asking for opinions and other's experiences - not an answer or solution as such.
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  #13  
Old 01-02-2011, 03:48 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
I hate to be the bringer of bad news but your expectations are impossible.

Nobody can know "all of you completely and honestly."

Being a woman myself I do understand the desire to be understood. I have always wanted to be "understood" completely. But that is just not possible. The reason is, that we don't even understand ourselves.

Also, if you are not willing to be completely honest,(for fear of hurting him) the chances of him (or anyone) knowing you completely are even more impossible.

He (your significant other) is not superman, nor is he a mindreader, nor is he an all knowing deity. He cannot know you completely.

I would say, don't set unrealistic goals for your relationship. You will never get there. Just have faith and love.
"Being a woman myself" - Please leave your sexist comments for elsewhere please.

I understand myself completely fine. Better than anyone could known me. I wouldn't stop them from knowing me. If they ask the questions, I will give the answers... But yes, nobody can know you complately, because some of those questions will just never be asked. But to be fair, they really can't be all that important if it never comes up in conversation.

Don't have unrealistic goals? Yet have faith? Faith is an unrealistic goal. Faith is believing everything will be just fine in the end. Wrong. You have to work at knowing each other and knowing how each other works, so that you don't mess things up.

As to answer the original post, I would never say it is too much. I would be completely honest about everything. If they found it to be too much information, too bad. Some people just can't handle the truth or don't want to accept it. They shouldn't ask the questions if they don't want to hear the answers.
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  #14  
Old 01-02-2011, 04:05 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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[QUOTE=Somegeezer;57752]"Being a woman myself" - Please leave your sexist comments for elsewhere please.
Quote:

ROTFL! That's very funny.

Quote:

Don't have unrealistic goals? Yet have faith? Faith is an unrealistic goal. Faith is believing everything will be just fine in the end. Wrong. You have to work at knowing each other and knowing how each other works, so that you don't mess things up.
I don't agree with your definition of "faith."

mine is:
Faith is understanding that everything is as it should be according to law. (Universal law)

Yes, I agree, that if you want the truth, you have to be able to handle (receive) it.
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  #15  
Old 01-02-2011, 04:10 AM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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As a woman - I also found great offence in the comment "Being a woman myself..."

In the phrasing Olderwoman used it, I thought it was rather inappropriate.

wanting to be understood is not the sole domain of women.
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  #16  
Old 01-02-2011, 04:49 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
As a woman - I also found great offence in the comment "Being a woman myself..."

In the phrasing Olderwoman used it, I thought it was rather inappropriate.

wanting to be understood is not the sole domain of women.

Seriously???

If you find "great offence" in that, then I am wondering if you could handle my honest conversation or any of my kind of real truth.

(I seriously thought you were joking.)

Is everyone else in this forum is that delicate and fragile?

People are so quick to jump to conclusions about me on this forum without taking the time to get to know me.

You misunderstand my words, and my intentions and you judge me and take offense at very little.

When you lose the opportunity to know someone you lose a lot.

There is no way I can be "all knowing" and know what any given person is going to take offense of.

I will speak my mind and my truth anyway. You are responsible for your reactions and I am responsible for mine.

I have found no love on this polyamory "love' forum.
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  #17  
Old 01-02-2011, 04:56 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
This is why the question is about personal integrity - if you are hiding deep feelings from your partner for fear of hurt, yours or theirs... you are not being authentic, genuine or being honest... where is the integrity in that?
Back to the original topic...

It may just be a question of degree or how much information you share. Is it really a question of hiding deep feelings, or just not sharing everything. By all means, don't hide things, but if you know he is going to be bothered, keep it simple and direct. If he asks for further details, then share, but if you know he will have issues with more information, limit what you volunteer.

ie. I talked to so and so today and now I'm feeling ____ .

There is no need for a play by play if he isn't ready.
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  #18  
Old 01-02-2011, 04:59 AM
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I haven been finding that my comfort level with sharing information is a learning process. I have learned that I don't need to share things all the time with everyone. In fact it can be very appropriate and 'right' to withhold. I guess just figuring out what information the other person expects to access and then negotiating what will be shared. I'm kind of an oversharer so I'm definitely still trying to sort this out myself.

Last edited by ray; 01-02-2011 at 05:14 AM.
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  #19  
Old 01-02-2011, 05:14 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
Being a bit offended by that statement has nothing to do with being fragile. The problem with the online media is that it can be difficult to grasp the entire context, meaning and feeling behind a statement. When you make a statement, you put it out to be interpreted. Because that's the best we can do. If you feel that your statement is being misconstrued, you could simply try rephrasing it.
I would, but I don't know HOW or WHY anyone would misconstrue or be offended by the statement.

I can speculate that perhaps because I am from a different generation there is a communication gap going on. (I am 61 years old.) Am I too old to be in this forum?

I do speak from experience and I have observed that more women than men give a lot of importance to being "understood." Its a generality of course, but I certainly did not think or intend to offend anyone.

If being offended easily is not being "fragile" emotionally, I don't know what else you would call it. I have learned to be a little more "thick skinned" than I was when I was in my 20's. I forget that younger people are sometimes very sensitive and fragile and it is hard to talk to them frankly.
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  #20  
Old 01-02-2011, 05:43 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Okay, so.... I'm not sure what happened here... I don't see how anyone was offensive at the onset, opinionated maybe, but then that is what we all are here. Might I suggest speaking/writing using "I" statements. Instead of saying "you aren't going to be able to achieve that," say "I haven't been able to make that work because .... my experience has been..... have you tried this?..... " It is essentially passing on the message with a delivery that comes across as more respectful.

I actually understood, I think, what olderwoman was saying. Ya, its kind of irrelevant what gender a person is in this context, but whatever....once I got past the tone in which your post was delivered... I think I got it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
I hate to be the bringer of bad news but your expectations are impossible.

Nobody can know "all of you completely and honestly."

Being a woman myself I do understand the desire to be understood. I have always wanted to be "understood" completely. But that is just not possible. The reason is, that we don't even understand ourselves.

Also, if you are not willing to be completely honest,(for fear of hurting him) the chances of him (or anyone) knowing you completely are even more impossible.

He (your significant other) is not superman, nor is he a mindreader, nor is he an all knowing deity. He cannot know you completely.

I would say, don't set unrealistic goals for your relationship. You will never get there. Just have faith and love.
I think what you are saying is that we can't know each other entirely and the only thing we have is being honest enough to let someone in on just a bit of who we are. Close?

I am honest and have integrity... not because I talk about everything that goes on in my head, but because I mull things over, decide if I should speak, and only speak when there needs to be a change for the better for me or others. To me integrity is about being honest with myself as much as to other people. Being self aware, and doing what I say I will do. Taking the time to be sure I can do what I say and taking the time to be sure my way of expressing my honesty is respectful and going to create a better path for those I love and myself.
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