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  #21  
Old 01-02-2011, 12:41 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
I call bullshit.

There are a LOT of benefits to marriage that have nothing to do with finances.

I am not going to take the time to spell it out for you - because your views on marriage are very clear. But needless to say - if I had known 11 years ago what I'd be in for now - I'd have still married him And financially? Nope - I am the primary financial support in our household...

I don't think my views on marriage are important or relevant. (I admit I am anti-marriage.)

What is not clear to me is how polyamory and marriage are compatible. That is, if polyamory is about long term "love" relationships -- and not just a term for a couple deciding to have multiple sexual partners outside of their marriage.
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  #22  
Old 01-02-2011, 12:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
I don't think my views on marriage are important or relevant. (I admit I am anti-marriage.)

What is not clear to me is how polyamory and marriage are compatible. That is, if polyamory is about long term "love" relationships -- and not just a term for a couple deciding to have multiple sexual partners outside of their marriage.
Simple: marriage can be redefined by the two individuals in it just like anything else. Having multiple "love" relationships doesn't have any automatic meaning for a married couple. Just as having a single love relationship doesn't automatically imply marriage. A marriage doesn't have to devolve, breakup or whatever because of multiple loves.
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  #23  
Old 01-02-2011, 12:56 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
Granted, marriage can be a convenience and more sociably acceptable.

But how many people pretend to be sociably acceptably married, and lie to the public, ~~while they live an opposite (sociably unacceptable) lifestyle and at the same time attempt to practice honesty with their spouse(s) and their polyamory friends?

Practicing honesty is a challenge. I think we are programed to "play the game" (with society) and it becomes a habit. I don't know if I could lead a double life (pretending to be in a sociably acceptable monogamous marriage) to some, while being honest and open to selected others. I would think developing trusting relationships might be tricky.
you are either projecting your own insecurities and reactions to bad experiences you've had onto others whose choices threaten your prejudices, OR you are trying to "stir the pot" and see what sort of controversial reactions your rhetoric will generate.

I will not be baited.
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  #24  
Old 01-02-2011, 01:14 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
you are either projecting your own insecurities and reactions to bad experiences you've had onto others whose choices threaten your prejudices, OR you are trying to "stir the pot" and see what sort of controversial reactions your rhetoric will generate.

I will not be baited.
No, --I was just reading (on this forum) a thread expressing problems with this exact same situation I just mentioned. (So you can't tell me the problem does not exist.)

I have no prejudices against polyamory itself. (Which I view as exercising the freedom (and ability) to truly (and unselfishly) love more than one person.

I also have no insecurities or prejudices against sexual activity with multiple partners. That's a person's free choice.

What I would actually like is a good definition of polyamory that everyone can agree on.

Like I have said, I am new to the term polyamory. If my thoughts challenge you (or push your buttons) I'm sorry. They are not intended to do so.

It is difficult to be honest and tactful at the same time. I am honest about how I feel and what I think. Deal with it any way you can. I am not trying to bait anyone.
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  #25  
Old 01-02-2011, 01:29 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
What I would actually like is a good definition of polyamory that everyone can agree on.
Poly = many
Amory = loves

The wiki definition

How those many loves work in individual relationships is up to the persons involved in them. It doesn't "look" or "work" a certain way. Nor does my love for another diminish my love for my husband. Or change WHY I married him and want to stay married to him.
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  #26  
Old 01-02-2011, 01:46 AM
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Default My two cents...

Marriage has meaning to the various individuals involved in that marriage... state laws, benefits etc aside...

for me... it is a commitment, showing the world how deeply I feel about someone else - in a way the world recognises, it shows my partner that my commitment is for life, It shows me that my partner is committed to me... it is a tangible gesture of faith in each other.

I would prefer to be handfasted, as does my partner, however in order to have the life we wish for... legal marriage may assist that. To me a handfasting is more important, more deep and more personal to us than a marriage would be, so we plan to have both, by having a handfasting presided over by a legal celebrant.

The shape of our marriage is unimportant - except to us, the people it actually affects. Or at least that is the way it should be (IMO).

Unfortunately, a legal marriage does need to follow state/federal laws... therefore is restricted by those laws.

Marriage was once thought too sinful to be consecrated by the church and all marriages were common law, not sanctified by church or state.

What happened to allow our governments, our churches, and society in general to dictate to us how we may love and show that commitment, and also who to, and how?
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  #27  
Old 01-02-2011, 01:48 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Olderwoman View Post
No, --I was just reading (on this forum) a thread expressing problems with this exact same situation I just mentioned. (So you can't tell me the problem does not exist.)

I have no prejudices against polyamory itself. (Which I view as exercising the freedom (and ability) to truly (and unselfishly) love more than one person.

I also have no insecurities or prejudices against sexual activity with multiple partners. That's a person's free choice.

What I would actually like is a good definition of polyamory that everyone can agree on.

Like I have said, I am new to the term polyamory. If my thoughts challenge you (or push your buttons) I'm sorry. They are not intended to do so.

It is difficult to be honest and tactful at the same time. I am honest about how I feel and what I think. Deal with it any way you can. I am not trying to bait anyone.
it's obvious that you consider marriage and polyamory to be fundamentally incompatible with one another, and are inviting those of us who are married and consider ourselves "polyamorous" to defend our lifestyle choices.

As I said before, I will not be baited.
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  #28  
Old 01-02-2011, 02:07 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
it's obvious that you consider marriage and polyamory to be fundamentally incompatible with one another, and are inviting those of us who are married and consider ourselves "polyamorous" to defend our lifestyle choices.

As I said before, I will not be baited.
LOL you are funny saying that you will "not be baited." (If I were fishing I would definitely think that I was getting a nibble since you have responded twice. )

But by all means, don't "defend" your lifestyle. Tell me why and how it works. (That is, if it is successful.)

I was attempting to initiate conversation on the subject. I am willing to change my opinions and/or misconceptions via the process of intelligent discussion. I am not attacking your or anyone's lifestyle. Yes, you know where I am coming from, but perhaps I am wrong.

Does anyone have any statistics? I know that marriage itself is not doing well in that area.

If there is anyone on this forum who has had (and still has) a successful and happy polyamory longterm relationship that involves a married couple and a single "extra partner" I would like to hear about it.
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  #29  
Old 01-02-2011, 02:12 AM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Older Woman,

I have to agree with NK... You are stirring.

Please do read some of the threads on this forum... there are many on here who are happily married with extra partners... you have asked the question - listen to the answers.

why not do some research yourself instead of expecting others to explain themselves to you?

I would point you in the direction of Redpeppers journey and TruckerPete's blog... there are many others but they come to mind right now.
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  #30  
Old 01-02-2011, 02:22 AM
Olderwoman Olderwoman is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The OP was seeking specific feedback and you have co-opted the thread into an entirely different off-topic direction. Your questions aimed at debating the merits of marriage belong on a separate thread of their own.

You are right and I am sorry I got off topic. I'll do some more reading. See ya around!
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