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  #11  
Old 12-29-2010, 09:39 PM
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Captain Obvious told me to remind you:

you can change your mind as many times as you want before you have them, but you can't change your mind after you have them.
That would be why we are in the discussion phase and not the trying phase. Thought that was kind of obvious.
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  #12  
Old 12-29-2010, 11:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
I have a lot of things that will make pregnancy very hard on me. Fibromyalgia and my bad back being top on the list. Add in a history of cervical cancer, endometriosis plus all my mental stuff (OCD, depression, anxiety) I'm gonna have a hard pregnancy . . . There is so much I could risk my child inheriting from either of us . . .
Think past the pregnancy and what raising a child will be like for you, with OCD, depression, anxiety, and various physical ailments. Not only would it be tough on you but very tough on the kid. I was raised by an extremely depressed and paranoid mother, who suffered from anxiety and had physical problems, too, and my life was pretty fucked up for a long time because of it. I wouldn't wish that kind of burden on any child -- my life revolved around making my mother feel better, always thinking it was my fault when she was unhappy or in pain. It didn't matter that she told me it wasn't my fault, kids think they are the cause of stuff. And then I acted out because there was nothing I could do, and I didn't treat myself very well. I'm 50 now and still have so many unresolved issues over my upbringing. Sometimes we have to accept that being a parent might not be the best role for us. Do you really think you can focus your attention and life on raising another human being to be an emotionally well and happy individual who contributes to society? And not just to satisfy some urge in you? You can't be scattered and flip-flopping back and forth about everything, you have to provide stability and discipline to parent well.
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Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
But I've always wanted to experience pregnancy and carrying a child.
You make it sound like the challenge of running a marathon. It's another person's life you're talking about. Sorry to be so blunt, but I find the idea troublesome when someone has so much going on, wants to bring a kid into the world, and thinks only of the pregnancy and not beyond that.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-29-2010 at 11:34 PM.
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  #13  
Old 12-29-2010, 11:50 PM
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I've responded privately. Because I feel your response was rude, made a lot of assumptions and had little to do with the questions posed.

But for an overall response. I've given much thought to how things would effect a child and have many things in place that must happen before I'll even start trying. I'm not entering into this lightly AT ALL. Raising a child is a huge responsibility. I'm not ignorant to that fact. And honestly, that's why I am just now at 27 even thinking about it. This thread was about adoption vs biological children, and I gave my reasons why I was considering adoption. I've already worked with my Drs to make sure I am at my healthiest, if Karma and I decide to have children, regardless of how we have them.

Last edited by Mohegan; 12-29-2010 at 11:59 PM.
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  #14  
Old 12-30-2010, 12:32 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Think past the pregnancy and what raising a child will be like for you, with OCD, depression, anxiety, and various physical ailments. Not only would it be tough on you but very tough on the kid. I was raised by an extremely depressed and paranoid mother, who suffered from anxiety and had physical problems, too, and my life was pretty fucked up for a long time because of it. I wouldn't wish that kind of burden on any child -- my life revolved around making my mother feel better, always thinking it was my fault when she was unhappy or in pain. It didn't matter that she told me it wasn't my fault, kids think they are the cause of stuff. And then I acted out because there was nothing I could do, and I didn't treat myself very well. I'm 50 now and still have so many unresolved issues over my upbringing.
Your experience only. Not every child's of a disabled parent's experience.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Sometimes we have to accept that being a parent might not be the best role for us. Do you really think you can focus your attention and life on raising another human being to be an emotionally well and happy individual who contributes to society? And not just to satisfy some urge in you? You can't be scattered and flip-flopping back and forth about everything, you have to provide stability and discipline to parent well.
Someone who makes a decision, before getting pregnant, to consider all options will, in my mind, be a great parent. Regardless of life circumstances, she's already putting her (future) children's needs first. You can be the most stable, most emotionally healthy person in the world - and then have something tragic happen to leave you thinking about suicide on a daily basis, to be thinking about how much better your children would be without you - and you had NO way to prepare for it. Someone who is cognizant of challenges and works FROM THE BEGINNING to make sure they have a back up plan and adequate support in place is an amazing parent - and the kids being raised by that person will be extremely lucky.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Sorry to be so blunt, but I find the idea troublesome when someone has so much going on, wants to bring a kid into the world, and thinks only of the pregnancy and not beyond that.
What makes you think she's thinking only of the pregnancy? Parenting for me was the WHOLE experience. The getting pregnant, the anxiously hoping for the + sign, then following my babies' progress as they grew within me. The experience of pregnancy and childbirth is unique and amazing. It is the start of an amazing journey.

Mohegan - make the decision that works best for your family, for your life, and with your doctor's support. It can be done, if you have the support in place and the will and desire to succeed.
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  #15  
Old 12-30-2010, 12:42 AM
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Thanks Jane, that is exactly how I feel and your support means a lot. I really appreciate it.
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  #16  
Old 12-30-2010, 01:52 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I agree with MBG. Personally I think that people who have dealt with alot of these issues(depression, anxiety, etc) prior to raising children are probably in a much better position than those of us who weren't used to dealing with these things prior to getting pregnant. Kids can bring forth so many emotions from one extreme to another.

I always teased my husband that I had to endure labor, but he had to put up with my mood swings and pregnant brain for nine months, so we're about even :P. I will admit to enjoy being pregnant and had it pretty easy from the stories I hear.
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  #17  
Old 12-30-2010, 02:16 AM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I agree with MBG. Personally I think that people who have dealt with alot of these issues(depression, anxiety, etc) prior to raising children are probably in a much better position than those of us who weren't used to dealing with these things prior to getting pregnant. Kids can bring forth so many emotions from one extreme to another.
So true.

Karma and I have done a lot of talking and a lot of researching over the years. I've spoken with people in my fibro support group, those who chose to ahve children and those who didn't. I've spoken with some of their children, who have said they felt that being raised by a parent with disabilities gave them an understanding they wouldn't have had otherwise.

My illnesses are my burden. I've never expected anyone to carry them for me. The only reason I let Karma help is because he's offered. But he is my partner, not my child. I will never expect them to share that weight.

I will educate them, and hopefully raise them to be understanding and accepting of those with limitations, but I will never do anything to purposely make them feel that it is their burden to carry.

The same goes with the depression,anxiety and OCD. My fears there were more the hormone change than other stuff. I'm on a great maintenance program and have a lot of support in place, should problems arise.

We are not entering into this lightly in any way.
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  #18  
Old 12-30-2010, 03:31 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Because I feel your response was rude, made a lot of assumptions and had little to do with the questions posed.
I'll disagree with that assessment of the response being rude. Asking hard questions/making the hard observations are not, of themselves, rude, so I don't see any problem with that. I also don't see any problems with the way in which the concerns were presented, so I'm having a difficult time figuring out how the message was supposedly rude.

It did speak to something not on topic, however, as your OP asked for discussion on bio or adoption should you choose to have a child. Because it's not dealing with the indicated topic and you apparently don't wish to expand the discussion to include it, then I'll ask everybody to drop that line of discussion now. (Keeps me from having to clean up the thread later after everybody has thrown food around the lunch room....)
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  #19  
Old 12-30-2010, 08:30 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I'll ask everybody to drop that line of discussion now. (Keeps me from having to clean up the thread later after everybody has thrown food around the lunch room....)
Wow, you can do that, AT? Cool!
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  #20  
Old 12-30-2010, 03:52 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Wow, you can do that, AT? Cool!
Well, the job of Royal Executio...er, Assass...um, Guy Who Gets Things Done includes janitorial duties. Sad, really. Somebody has to do it, though.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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