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  #21  
Old 12-29-2010, 08:58 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by ray View Post
I would not seek out an LDR or be very likely to begin dating someone I'd never met. But I had a relationship that became long distance and I deeply cared about that individual, I'm sure I'd figure something out.
I said the same thing.
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  #22  
Old 12-29-2010, 11:11 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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LDRs, like any other relationship, can work if all parties involved want them to work...period. The same things that we constantly talk about as being 'key' to poly relationships, mono relationships, and the like are the same components that are 'key' in an ldr. You can do 'whatever' you desire as long as you approach everything sincerely, honestly, and with great effort. I have had multiple long distance relationships and, at times, have had a greater connection and received more of the support I desired from my 'miles away' partner than I did from a partner that was closer to me.

I think it is important for you, your bf, and your gf to sit down and really weigh your desire to pursue the relationship, the pros and cons of the circumstances, what each of you are willing to compromise in order to make this work, and come to a mutual agreement about how you wish to proceed.

I wish you the best of everything.
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  #23  
Old 12-29-2010, 11:23 PM
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Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
LDRs, like any other relationship, can work if all parties involved want them to work...period. The same things that we constantly talk about as being 'key' to poly relationships, mono relationships, and the like are the same components that are 'key' in an ldr. You can do 'whatever' you desire as long as you approach everything sincerely, honestly, and with great effort. I have had multiple long distance relationships and, at times, have had a greater connection and received more of the support I desired from my 'miles away' partner than I did from a partner that was closer to me.

I think it is important for you, your bf, and your gf to sit down and really weigh your desire to pursue the relationship, the pros and cons of the circumstances, what each of you are willing to compromise in order to make this work, and come to a mutual agreement about how you wish to proceed.

I wish you the best of everything.
Same here. My most loving relationship was with someone who lived a while away. We were lucky seeing each other once a month at times.
Unfortunately, the effort was not put in to keeping that relationship strong and there was a lot of miscommunication, which only made things harder.
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  #24  
Old 12-30-2010, 06:35 AM
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If a person is not interested in LDR's for themselves then why are they in someway against it? I hear this quite often... anyone have an idea why this is so?

I would most likely not engage in an LDR as it wouldn't be for me, for several reasons including my need for touch, smell, sex with my partner being there, constant life stuff with my partners happening around me on a day to day basis.... la la la... and so on. But I am thrilled that anyone finds and is able to love one another. How they do that is up to them and is worth supporting as far as I am concerned... Go for it. Is that negative though, that I wouldn't/couldn't myself? That I have a different take on it than those that have/can have LDR's? I'm not feeling negative towards it... it confuses me that anyone would think I am... is it because I have a different description of how I do relationships and like to express that so that others know its okay to not want an LDR or even not go into a relationship that might become one?

I find it interesting and confusing that if someone has a different opinion that if they express it that they are in someway against others opinions and ideas of how they want to lead their lives. Perhaps that is a bit off topic, but I seem to be doing that lately. Sorry if it is.
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  #25  
Old 12-30-2010, 06:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
If a person is not interested in LDR's for themselves then why are they in someway against it? I hear this quite often... anyone have an idea why this is so?

I would most likely not engage in an LDR as it wouldn't be for me, for several reasons including my need for touch, smell, sex with my partner being there, constant life stuff with my partners happening around me on a day to day basis.... la la la... and so on. But I am thrilled that anyone finds and is able to love one another. How they do that is up to them and is worth supporting as far as I am concerned... Go for it. Is that negative though, that I wouldn't/couldn't myself? That I have a different take on it than those that have/can have LDR's? I'm not feeling negative towards it... it confuses me that anyone would think I am... is it because I have a different description of how I do relationships and like to express that so that others know its okay to not want an LDR or even not go into a relationship that might become one?

I find it interesting and confusing that if someone has a different opinion that if they express it that they are in someway against others opinions and ideas of how they want to lead their lives. Perhaps that is a bit off topic, but I seem to be doing that lately. Sorry if it is.
Well since you originally aimed this at me, I`ll take the bait. I`m bored enough today.

It`s funny, because everything you say, I feel equally, except from the opposite point of view. You have many, many, times expressed a dismissive attitude towards LDR`s. Though if someone defends a LDR, you seem to wonder what all the huff is about.

I couldnt give two-shits if you like/dislike LDR`s,..nor anyone else. Really,..don`t care. I`m going to keep doing what I feel works. The reason this topic is interesting, is because it comes across very much like when parents all remark to their kids how a 'relationship will never fly,...' for some reason or another.

Truth is,..Only time will tell. Proof`s in the puddin' so to speak. Relationships are made and broken on the challenges they face. Those challenges differ from relationship to relationship.

The biggest mantra in successful polyamory is COMMUNICATION. Not touch. Not smell. Not proximity. While those are important, they are nothing if people can`t communicate.

In a LDR, there is nothing tested more then your ability to communicate effectively. If it`s not there, none of the others will save you.

I see many people do just fine in LDR`s, until all the nay-sayers get in, and create doubts in people`s heads. THAT saddens me. I`m a tough bird, and I shrug things off rather well. I do seem to get worried with perception on a general basis though. I tend to want to defend the general concept when it is being portrayed like a automatic sinking ship.

Poly is a community where we are already dealing with a minority in support, so to see people diminish each other further makes me shake my head. Some people then cave to the pressure, of constantly being told that simply due to distance, a relationship wont cut it in the long run. WHY ? Why throw that negative energy at people who might have something positive ? If people want to help one another, why not share with them the mistakes learned ?

Sentences that start with; ' IF I were ever to do a LDR again, I would make sure......'

Are much more supportive and helpful then;

" I will never do a LDR again because__________ and ____ and its a nightmare."
How can people 'sell' the benefits of poly to other people and make statements like "Yes it takes more work with more people. Yes, we talk more and have to pay attention more, but it is so worth it,..'

Yet not substitute the subject poly, with 'long distance' ???


It stinks of 'my poly/way is better then your poly/way.'

LDR`s have been going on for 1000`s of years successfully. They continue in every part of the world, for a variety of reasons. Many a military family deals with long distance love. Parts of history could never of had the outcomes it did, without long distance love.
Regardless of personal style, it is a fascinating subject. How DO the successful ones work ? Why did they work ? It`s the ultimate exhibition of caring energy. To be able to not see, or feel your loved one for a long period of time, yet still feel that loving energy every day ! Its one of the very few examples left in the world, where love can conquer all.

You don`t get to see Derby very often. Does that take away from anything you feel for her ? I am guessing not. Wether the absence of a loved one is due to scheduling conflicts, or distance, it sure doesn`t mean that the relationship is any less important.

I 'smile and nod' for just that reason. I find the negative attitudes to be personal opinion based, (usually based on a soured history.) and everyone is entitled to their opinion.
preciselove obviously went through a very tough LDR and doesn`t wish that experience on anyone. He asked openly who likes them,...

..Well,..I do.

Where it changes with YOU,..redpepper,..is you come across as quite dismissive of other peoples relationships, if it isn`t your particular style.
2 things everyone knows from reading redpeppers threads. #1-hates casual sex. #2-has no respect for LDR`s.

Ok,...we got it.

I don`t know if thats just how you type, or my perception is off,..but its chronic, whichever it is. You mention that you don`t know how anyone could think you have a negative take on it. I can answer this. I think back to the frustrations I read in your posts when your husband was dating that woman who was moving away. That would be when I first noticed a dismissive air to the posts. Most others all begin with you speaking of your negative experience.

This post of yours, that I am quoting today, is the first time I have read in you, the ability to seperate your personal style, from what works for others. I quite liked this post of yours actually, I am glad you edited it. This sounds really fair to me.
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  #26  
Old 12-30-2010, 08:32 PM
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
LDR`s have been going on for 1000`s of years successfully. They continue in every part of the world, for a variety of reasons. Many a military family deals with long distance love. Parts of history could never of had the outcomes it did, without long distance love.
Regardless of personal style, it is a fascinating subject. How DO the successful ones work ? Why did they work ? It`s the ultimate exhibition of caring energy. To be able to not see, or feel your loved one for a long period of time, yet still feel that loving energy every day ! Its one of the very few examples left in the world, where love can conquer all.
Beautifully expressed!
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  #27  
Old 12-30-2010, 09:25 PM
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delete, I responded but took it off here as I am not in a good head space at the moment due to other issues that are of importance.
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-30-2010 at 09:55 PM.
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  #28  
Old 12-31-2010, 01:53 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Beautifully expressed!
+1
Totally agree. SourGirl, your post was well worth the time it took me to read it!
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  #29  
Old 12-31-2010, 02:09 AM
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The LDR I was in is still one of the relationships I am in now. I am just stating that LDRs are incredibly difficult, at least for people like me that love affection. We didn't really have many issues besides the lack of missing each others touch and presence.

If an LDR is all someone can have at that point in time, it's certainly a lot better than nothing. I feel it's like this.

5) No relationship
4) daylight
3) LDR
2) daylight
1) physical relationship

Hence if you're at #1 and it returns to #3 you're regressing in my mind, but still, it's better than nothing.
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  #30  
Old 12-31-2010, 02:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
The LDR I was in is still one of the relationships I am in now. I am just stating that LDRs are incredibly difficult, at least for people like me that love affection. We didn't really have many issues besides the lack of missing each others touch and presence.

If an LDR is all someone can have at that point in time, it's certainly a lot better than nothing. I feel it's like this.

5) No relationship
4) daylight
3) LDR
2) daylight
1) physical relationship

Hence if you're at #1 and it returns to #3 you're regressing in my mind, but still, it's better than nothing.
I don't understand 4 and 2 for the life of me...

Sometimes people have to move to get the best from their life. Maybe they are offered a job which pays twice as much, but they have to move away to get it. You are unable to move with them, because you have your own secure job with no other job to move into where they are?

Long distance can be difficult, especially when you need that affection, yes. But, I feel if it's for something like that, it will make their life better and they will be happier. I don't feel like they are going backwards in the relationship. We'd just have less time to be with each other.
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