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Old 12-29-2010, 06:21 AM
Lucidius's Avatar
Lucidius Lucidius is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Vansterdam
Posts: 4
Default Understanding the psychology of monogamy and poly?

Hey all, I'm new here, and I have some questions and so forth.

I've been in a relationship for the last 9-10 months, with a sweet little woman who is into a lot of the things I am. Its been great, sort of.
I'm made it clear in the very beginning that poly was very important to me, and that I couldn't do monogamy. She said she was OK with that and had been in a poly relationship with another couple in the past, but wanted to build up our thing before we went there. Perfectly understandable.

Thing is, its been quite a while and she has basically done a 180. I've tried to talk to her about it, got a copy of the Ethical Slut, been patient, but I think it might be a lost cause

She can't seem to get the concept of sharing as something which does not diminish love. She seems to think that if I have another lover, she'll become number 2 and won't be as loved. She wants me all to herself, only her, no exceptions.
She has insulted numerous past lovers and friends of mine for being poly, calling them unhealthy psychologically damaged sluts who are incapable of love, when in fact, their all pretty well-adjusted happy people.
She has told me she pities me because the first long-term relationship I was in, in my late teens, started out poly and was great, but apparently it messed up my perception of how a loving relationship works. She has also spouted off about how "normal people" don't do poly and kinky relationships.

She has suggested that sluts have a void they need filled, but I am a whole person who is very happy with myself, and love to share myself with other people and brighten their day.
I am starting to think some people are mono because they have a void and the selfishly need to imprison another person in it because they haven't found wholeness...

I've been as patient as can be, and tried to argue with reasonable dialogue.

I don't expect to change her, or force her to see things my way. I know it doesn't work like that. I just want to understand. I suppose I hope I can reassure her and help her work through her issues (she's had some bad exes, among other things) like she has suggested she wants to do. At this point I just want to understand.

How is love a bad thing? How is building healthy relationships with friends and lovers, spreading joy and creative vibes, a bad thing? Why does one lover mean the exclusion of another? Why are people so insecure and selfish in love? Why do people thing poly means having loads of meaningless sex with people who don't care about you that you'll forget the next day?

The seeming lack of logic boggles me. Sorry for the for the giant rant, I just have a lot of points, some needing explaining, some just need ventilation.

Thanks in advance for any clarity, everyone.
“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”
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mono poly, mono/poly

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