Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Fireplace

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-28-2009, 03:34 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default New Friendship Anxiety

This thread is about my reaction to the idea of forming friendships; just friendships, platonic, non sexual, friends. I'm not looking to be retrained or debated but to stimulate some conversation and sharing.

I have always been a person who generally has one or two very close friend and lots of peripheral friends who are much more surface level relationships. Anyone outside of my very close circle is appreciated as a person but has little affect on me in the long run. If those associations end due to relocation or misunderstanding I simply don't feel loss.

Last night while at a monthly Poly meeting, one of my group friends asked for my e-mail simply because they respect me and think I would be fun to hang out with sometimes. She is one of the few people I am completely comfortable with in our poly meetings and have a genuine interest in her well being. Even so, I immediately gave my spiel of not liking to have too many friends, being a very private person and hard to get a hold of. I did however say I would enjoy getting together followed up by instant anxiety.

I felt as though even the simple prospect of having someone calling me to get together would cut into "my" time which is devoted to Redpepper, her family and myself. Because I need so few close people in my life, I almost find active friendships to hinder my ability to spend time with those I love as well as myself.

There is no doubt I am much more open to investing in relationships on a much deeper level since I began my journey with Redpepper. But I do find more and more of my discoveries to be re-enforcing my mono wiring. There is a certain inflexibility in my nature that makes me pause. This does concern me a little bit but in an undefined way..or maybe a way I'm not willing to define yet
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-28-2009, 04:07 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Mono,

Having several close friends simultaniously can be very rewarding and enriching.

In my own past, I was much like you -- generally only having one or maybe two people around I'm close with/to. Part of that is probably related to my Myers-Briggs/Keirsey temperament (INFP -- introversion), but part of it relates to childhood abuse and neglect, which made me somewhat socially withdrawn in my young days. Gradually, I'm becoming more of an "ambivert" (google it).

Allowing yourself to unfold and change can bring color and depth and zing to your life. Don't cling to who you think you are, but let yourself become what you are becoming. I'd say. Accept the challenges of allowing more people get close to you, and I think you will not regret it.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-28-2009, 04:59 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JRiverMartin View Post
Allowing yourself to unfold and change can bring color and depth and zing to your life. Don't cling to who you think you are, but let yourself become what you are becoming. I'd say. Accept the challenges of allowing more people get close to you, and I think you will not regret it.

Redpepper would probably mimic this exact statement. The only thing I can commit to is that I won't prevent change to occur. Great comment JRM.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-28-2009, 05:40 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

So what's behind the anxiety over the "my" time? Is it due to a disruption of the security provided by daily habit? That any change is likely to scramble everything? A fear that you'll miss out on something important with Redpepper? Fear that the closeness with Redpepper will diminish if you're not spending all that time with her?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-28-2009, 06:24 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
So what's behind the anxiety over the "my" time? Is it due to a disruption of the security provided by daily habit? That any change is likely to scramble everything? A fear that you'll miss out on something important with Redpepper? Fear that the closeness with Redpepper will diminish if you're not spending all that time with her?
No disruption worries. This has been this way for me ever since I was a kid, nothing new or specific to Redpepper.

I guess because I am so structured within my career I don't want many things to be too structured outside of work.

There is the admission that I simply don't feel the need to be connected to many people either. I open myself up completely to one person and leave myself fully vulnerable to them..Redpepper in this case. I won't do that with others and so my relationships can deepen with a few but remain very superficial with most.

I don't adhere to the concept of all people being connected and am happy in that. Maybe how I relate to friends is an indication of how I relate to the world...hmmmm
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-28-2009, 06:28 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I don't adhere to the concept of all people being connected and am happy in that. Maybe how I relate to friends is an indication of how I relate to the world...hmmmm
If you don't want many friends and you prefer to prioritize your "free" or "spare" time to the ones you value most, that is your prerogative and no one else's choice to make but your own.

You don't "need" to do anything you don't need to do. If you want to go on a Buddhist Retreat where you don't speak to anyone, that's fine too. No one should feel like they "have" to connect with people just because they co-exist. Being a social butterfly is over-rated. You do not owe anyone a relationship (except maybe your kid because you helped create it).

Last edited by NeonKaos; 08-28-2009 at 06:31 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-28-2009, 06:31 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
If you don't want many friends and you prefer to prioritize your "free" or "spare" time to the ones you value most, that is your prerogative and no one else's choice but your own.
You have a wondeful way of making people feel alright about themselves
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-28-2009, 06:38 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

I'd be happy to have more of what I call "intimate friends" than I do. I could easly have five or six in the innermost circle!

(I don't use the term "intimacy" as a synonym for sex, as Mono has been doing. Intimacy is closeness, honesty, openness, expressivenes, vulnerability, truth-telling....)

Actually, I met one of my most intimate friends here in this forum! -- though he lives in England and I in the USA. (Here he is!: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/member.php?u=161) We live-chatted and emailed daily for what must have been many weeks, and now we do all of that every other day or after several days--week at most. This has been for months and months, now. This has been my most intimate relationship which hasn't been face-to-face. Sometimes it really bothers me that we can't simply go for a walk or hike together, or meet at the local pub for a brew! But he plans to visit with me
f2f come next summer -- crossing the ocean and meeting me on this side of the pond!
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog

Last edited by River; 08-28-2009 at 06:42 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-28-2009, 06:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
You have a wondeful way of making people feel alright about themselves
You're welcome; in this case I happen to empathize with you.

Edit: I actually don't know you that well at all, so maybe "sympathize" is more appropriate. In any case, I feel the same way about it as you described.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-28-2009, 06:51 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

We all have to live the way that works best for us. I'm happy that there's a lot of differences, variety, diversity in how that is.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:08 PM.