the story of a secondary
I've been thinking a lot lately about my poly situation and I thought I'd share here and see what parts of my story others can relate to.
I'm a bisexual woman in my mid-20's. I'd been in some poly situations earlier in my life, but nothing longer-term until Gia, my current girlfriend. Gia and her husband, Eric, invited me into their bed a little more than a year and a half ago. Hot threesome action! At first it was just fun, but then Gia and I began going out for coffee together, seeing shows, and soon enough we decided that we were dating.
Eric was perfectly fine with this, and wasn't looking for anything deeper himself. So we ended up in a vee with Gia as the hinge. I've always sort of had an FMF triad as my romantic/sexual ideal so, if anythig, I was a little disappointed that Eric didn't want a relationship, but that was his decision. And hey, we still all rolled around in bed together.
For a while I thought maybe I had made a mistake agreeing to date Gia. I didn't have a lot of time (job, hobbies, other casual partners) and I wasn't sure if I had it in my heart to give real love to her (a few years back I was in a long-term mono relationship that ended in a LOT of tears and I've never quite been the same emotionally since). But over time I found myself getting more and more deeply enamored of her, and wanting to spend more and more time with her. And with Eric for that matter! My feelings for Gia were developing more swiftly because we were actively working on that sort of bond, but I grew to care more for her husband as well.
Eventually I came to a bit of an internal crisis in terms of my feelings about Eric and asked him to tell me about his feelings/desires. He was very clear -- he was happy with our friendship and NOT looking for a relationship. I accepted this, of course, and let it be. I didn't say anything about my feelings for him to either of them, and they didn't ask. Gia and I, meanwhile, had popped the L-word with each other and were having regular dates.
Now... Gia is pregnant!!! I'm so, so, SO happy for both of them. They've wanted this for a while and they're going to do such a good job as parents. Gia sees me as being an Aunt figure to the child-on-the-way and I'm comfortable with that. I'm terribly excited to go through this process with her, and with both of them, and to meet their new child. We haven't been sexual together since she became pregnant, which has been rough, but I can hardly hold it against her, what with fatigue and morning sickness and all that. I'm pleased to report that we HAVE been continuing to spend time together, which is something I had been worried about.
The things that have been on my mind the most lately...
- I've come to terms with the fact that, as much as I love Gia, I really do feel love for Eric too. It's gotten to the point that I feel awkward about it, like my natural reactions to him are something I need to hide. I finally told Gia about my feelings for Eric and am planning to tell him too when the right moment comes. Gia says she thinks it will be just fine, which is a big relief. I'm not going to ask anything of him relationship-wise, I don't need him to say he cares for me back... I just want to be able to acknowledge my feelings and maybe relax about it a little. Is it selfish of me, I wonder, to need to let him know that, when he's made it clear that he doesn't want a deeper relationship? Is it messed up that, deep down, there's still a part of me that hopes that some day a triad will develop out of what is now a vee with a solid friendship and sexual chemistry between the two "wings"?
- Because of how strongly I feel about both of them, I'm pretty positive that I'm going to fall massively in love with their baby. It's scary, because I'm going to be emotionally vulnerable on so many fronts... when it comes to her, when it comes to him, when it comes to the child which is in no way my child and yet is the progeny of my two lovers. It seems almost impossible that there hasn't been any kind of serious drama yet. It seems impossible that I'm not going to get my heart broken in some way. And yet I'm so exhilerated by the whole situation and by the feelings it's awoken in me.
- Time has always been a problem for Gia and me, and for Gia and Eric as well. There's never enough of it! And when the new baby comes, of course that problem is just going to get a million times worse. I know that nothing can be the same, and I plan to support them as much as I can. They have lots of other good friends as well, so they'll never be without babysitters. I can see my relationship with Gia basically falling apart during this time or... maybe naively?... I can actually see it getting stronger because I'll be helping her through so many intense things.
I haven't focused on it here, but just to give you the context, in addition to my secondary relationship with Gia I have another good strong secondary relationship with a male friend and a few casual sexual partners. No primary partner at present, which is why I gave the thread this title.
So, is any of your life reflected in here? Any thoughts, questions, comments, advice?
|bisexual, boundaries, mono/poly, pregnancy, secondary, unrequited, vee|