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  #101  
Old 12-26-2010, 09:21 PM
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On the topic of what to say to someone you aren't digging sexually- good question. I have no idea. I've had a bit of struggle with this myself. Most recently in terms of a girlfriend whom is half my age. Lovely woman, we get on great, but her taste was not appealing to me. She smelled okay in terms of body smell, but her pussy was blah. I struggled with that for sometime and didn't say anything. We are still friends and I made some excuse that I had too much going on and didn't feel I could give her the attention she needed. Not untrue really although by that time derby was my girlfriend instead of her. That was obvious to her. Her lack of experience was a turn off also it must be said. The combo was just not going to work for me. Touch and smell are the two most important of the four senses to me; sight and sound being the others. Anyways, I would be interested to hear what others say. Maybe this should be moved to a new thread?
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  #102  
Old 12-26-2010, 09:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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There are five senses, not four. You left out taste.

Some schools of thought say that taste and smell are the same sense, but they are actually two separate senses. It is just that a lot of things we classify as "taste" ARE in fact smells. The six taste qualities are salty, sweet, sour, bitter, hot (spicy) and "umami" (mushroom/earthy).
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  #103  
Old 12-26-2010, 10:26 PM
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
There are five senses, not four. You left out taste.

Some schools of thought say that taste and smell are the same sense, but they are actually two separate senses. It is just that a lot of things we classify as "taste" ARE in fact smells. The six taste qualities are salty, sweet, sour, bitter, hot (spicy) and "umami" (mushroom/earthy).
Of course! Taste is definitely on its own!
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  #104  
Old 12-27-2010, 03:10 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
On the topic of what to say to someone you aren't digging sexually- good question. I have no idea. I've had a bit of struggle with this myself. Most recently in terms of a girlfriend whom is half my age. Lovely woman, we get on great, but her taste was not appealing to me. She smelled okay in terms of body smell, but her pussy was blah. I struggled with that for sometime and didn't say anything. We are still friends and I made some excuse that I had too much going on and didn't feel I could give her the attention she needed.
Thanks RP for helping out with this. This is the kind of 'detail' I was trying to point to without actually saying it. Am I unknowingly shy about details??????

There are many similar things that I feel define 'sexual compatibility'. These 'details' are absolutely not discernible any other way except by trying them out. (well I suppose you could 'talk' some about them but in my experience 'talk' is very different than reality).

This topic is sensitive to me because I have had several lovers (short term) who ended up falling into this bucket and it tore me up inside to gradually drift away from them without much of an explanation. I 'hope' they just looked on me as a player wanting sex. I can shoulder that burden. The truth that they were just not a turn on in bed for me would not have been something I had ANY idea how to share with them. If these had been longer term, deeper relationships...........well........I just don't know what I could have said or done. In my book, better to be the 'bad guy' then to leave them with potential emotional damage/insecurity that could impact ALL their future relationships.

If anyone has a better solution it would be wonderful because I think may people of all genders face this quandary at some point if you live an active sexual life.

GS
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  #105  
Old 12-28-2010, 12:50 AM
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Thanks RP for helping out with this. This is the kind of 'detail' I was trying to point to without actually saying it. Am I unknowingly shy about details??????

There are many similar things that I feel define 'sexual compatibility'. These 'details' are absolutely not discernible any other way except by trying them out. (well I suppose you could 'talk' some about them but in my experience 'talk' is very different than reality).

This topic is sensitive to me because I have had several lovers (short term) who ended up falling into this bucket and it tore me up inside to gradually drift away from them without much of an explanation. I 'hope' they just looked on me as a player wanting sex. I can shoulder that burden. The truth that they were just not a turn on in bed for me would not have been something I had ANY idea how to share with them. If these had been longer term, deeper relationships...........well........I just don't know what I could have said or done. In my book, better to be the 'bad guy' then to leave them with potential emotional damage/insecurity that could impact ALL their future relationships.

If anyone has a better solution it would be wonderful because I think may people of all genders face this quandary at some point if you live an active sexual life.

GS
wow, thank you for this.... it has put some perspective into my own experience actually. Maybe I just wasn't that compatible for some men. I remember one man I met a few years back that I completely overwhelmed. He was like a dear in headlights and I gave him way too much information. He wanted a nice little lie on top of me; wanted to quietly get off with me wiggling underneath and that was that. I was/am into way more and he really didn't want that. Maybe he isn't into more than that? Maybe he wanted closeness rather than anything else? Maybe I smelled? He complained that I was wearing a new shirt and asked if I had washed it before wearing it... maybe he didn't like that???? I have gone over it in my head and don't really know. It doesn't matter really, but what you have said GS has really made me think.... such a fine line between waiting to have sex because you want to be sure that it is with the right person, and having sex to see if you are at all compatible. Maybe some heavy petting and dirty talk ahead of time would help... give each other a smell and see how each other talk? I dunno
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  #106  
Old 12-28-2010, 01:05 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I understand what you meant better now, GS Indeed, I assume someone's taste could very well be bad and turn you off. Actually, my taste is always something I worry about before having sex with someone, as well as how I'll feel, etc. I don't have a lot of confidence, but being able to actually tell a man that I worry about it beforehand helps a lot. And telling a stranger that, I don't think I could... And he might just decide to give it a pass, too, after all lack of confidence isn't a turn-on either.

I think my issue is that while sex with someone I have an emotional connection with strengthens and increases that bond, sex with someone I don't have an emotional connection has, so far, had the result to prevent me from forming one ever afterwards. It's too fast, it's a shock, it's some kind of trauma, it causes me to trust them less rather than more, etc.
So I wouldn't worry about checking for sexual compatibility early, because even if it's there, what use is it if the person starts turning me off just because we had sex at all?

I think I would be honest about not liking someone's taste (or other such things). And then maybe we'd just avoid a specific act if that's the only time it's an issue. Maybe we'd just cuddle. I'm not really sure how I would react because it hasn't really happened, and because I don't fall in love that often I'm not sure it will ever come up... If it does, well I'll have a great friend, which is still better than the option of being left with nothing at all, I feel.
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  #107  
Old 12-28-2010, 03:25 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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............., sex with someone I don't have an emotional connection has, so far, had the result to prevent me from forming one ever afterwards. It's too fast, it's a shock, it's some kind of trauma, it causes me to trust them less rather than more, etc.
Yea Ton, we all hear this a lot. Read it back yourself and think about it.........

This is the kind of thing I'd ask anyone to sit back and look at and try to determine how much reality is incorporated and how much is conditioning.

How COULD having sex with someone where there wasn't (yet) any emotional bond prevent it (a bond)? Does that make ANY sense ?

There's only one reason I can think of. Your thinking/belief system. OR.... the sex was substandard and your intuition warned you correctly that this could be a big problem down the road. So you moved away from the situation.

There's just no way that 'having sex' with someone could prevent anything more if there was potential for more to begin with. Unless we BELIEVE that illusion ourself !

But if you go into the sex with this already in your head............well..........what could you expect the outcome to be ?

If you go into sex the same way you'd go into a concert - with the idea you are exploring musical tastes and passion for music - together, then the only thing you bring away is that you are either very similar, somewhat similar, or maybe not even on the same page. Nothing more than one more piece of information that will play into the interaction if a relationship builds. I say it a lot - too much probably........it's ONLY sex ! Only one piece of the puzzle.

It's all about what we believe and the reality we create for ourself - right ?

GS

Last edited by GroundedSpirit; 12-28-2010 at 03:29 PM.
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  #108  
Old 12-28-2010, 03:52 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
.... such a fine line between waiting to have sex because you want to be sure that it is with the right person, and having sex to see if you are at all compatible. Maybe some heavy petting and dirty talk ahead of time would help... give each other a smell and see how each other talk? I dunno
Yea RP, it IS a fine line. Think about all the problems sex can cause in relationships - poly, mono, whatever. As a society, we still haven't gotten to the stage we can discuss the intricate details of turn on / turn off easily nor often enough. Even in long term relationships. So much goes unsaid, usually I believe, because we ARE a kind, good hearted species in general and don't want to hurt anyone.

Sexual tastes vary as much as taste in food - and like food, they can change with the mood, setting, phase of the moon, you name it. Which is why I believe from a sexual sense, monogamy makes no sense whatsoever. Much more sensible to admit - and consent - to the fact that anyone might be in the mood for something different than the other and have the liberty to fulfill that need WITHOUT implying any shortcomings on any other's part. It's not that way. As so many people allude to (including yourself frequently), good sex involves both parties being on the same page and reality is that that's not ALWAYS going to be the case. Failure to acknowledge this and have a plan B in place causes all manner of problems that really shouldn't be !

But even given all that, I think we all have certain bare minimum expectations that if those are missing or in conflict will color the relationship darkly over time. I'm one who CAN verbalize these things clearly up front but not everyone else is comfortable with that. It seems crass or crude. Or takes away from some of the majik or sense of unexpected discovery. This I understand. So I say just go 'discover' !

GS
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  #109  
Old 12-28-2010, 05:18 PM
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I remember once, years ago when I was in my 20s, after getting it on with a guy for the first time, I remarked immediately afterwards, "Wow, it really is possible to be completely incompatible sexually!" He was shocked. I was shocked that he was shocked. Hello? Were you here in the same room with me? I admit, I was way too blunt. But I was incredulous that he was so out of touch, I guess, that he couldn't tell how bad it was. All I remember now was that I kept trying to tell him what I wanted and he kept doing the same thing, like rote work, mechanical, no connection. I had no desire to be with him again after that, and I'm sure my pronouncement wasn't very inviting to him, either. I really didn't understand how he could have been happy with what transpired between us, but I guess for him it was enough to have a warm, wet hole.

Anyway, that experience taught me not to just blurt out stuff like that, but to find more diplomatic ways of expressing dissatisfaction. However, sometimes, it doesn't seem worth it. I don't want to be cruel to anyone. As years have gone by, I've found ways to gently let someone know I wasn't satisfied, and how to do things differently, but it doesn't seem to take the sting out of it for the person hearing it. Recently, I was told that what I was doing with a lover wasn't quite the way he likes it, which has prompted me to obsess about it a little, and made me determined to do it "right" the next time. I also felt a little embarrassed, for some reason, for not being as sexually proficient as I think I should be. These were just thoughts I had and observed in myself. Fortunately, I am not letting them get to me, but it's interesting to see how my mind works.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-28-2010 at 05:23 PM.
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  #110  
Old 12-28-2010, 09:24 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
If you go into sex the same way you'd go into a concert - with the idea you are exploring musical tastes and passion for music - together, then the only thing you bring away is that you are either very similar, somewhat similar, or maybe not even on the same page. Nothing more than one more piece of information that will play into the interaction if a relationship builds. I say it a lot - too much probably........it's ONLY sex ! Only one piece of the puzzle.
I used to think that, but it didn't work for me... I think it might not work for everyone that way. If I just want the sexual gratification, masturbation works fine. Sex with someone is an activity together, that's bonding. Actually, I wouldn't go to a concert with a stranger either, but that might be just me.

I thought of a good comparison earlier today: going to the bathroom with the door open. If it's someone you already trust and you do it, it has the result of your feeling "we don't have anything to hide from one another: even that, which is super intimate, we can do in front of one another". If it's a total stranger, it feels like an intrusion of your privacy and you feel less comfortable with them afterwards. If it's a friend, it might still have the same result. You need a high level of trust for the experience to make you closer rather than turn you away from one another or creating awkwardness.

I don't know why it is that way, and I don't see it as a problem that needs to be fixed. So I don't feel a need to work on it. I don't feel that I need to have sex with more people, or without an emotional connection. I don't think it's inherently wrong or anything like that, but I think it doesn't work that way for me, and that's that. Learning to have sex without an emotional connection is, to me, like learning to use the bathroom in public: not something that would take anything from me, but not something I really have any use for either.
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