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  #161  
Old 09-20-2010, 04:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
I am very wary of NRE. I use to only identify it as this element that made affairs so damaging. I attributed it as being something that fogs up one person's head and draws faulty conclusions that a previously established partner cannot compete with. Two people build a history made up of both positive and negative associations with each other. With no one else in the picture, both can be objective and see the good as well as the bad.

Then along comes a new person and with them they bring: a belly of enjoyable butterflies, new stories and a newness to your own stories, an unmapped body, and initially, no clue what flaws you have. You get to be this uber person compared to the flawed person your established partner knows. And they get to be this seemingly care free perfect person to you.
At some point the spouse, or the person having the NRE has to be convinced in the strength of experience and time. Maybe someone needs to go back to the way it was in the beginning, the feelings, the wanton need. The "used to" feeling of having a long term partner should be just as strong as NRE, its just...different. My love and long term relationship desire of my wife is very strong and stable. Riding the NRE wave with anyone new needs to be looked at logically. Eventually it will end, what do you have then?...

The flip side, if someone is letting nre get out of control like that, is what happens when it leaves and the "new" person becomes a simple spouse. If it is the NRE they are after than that not a relationship building on a good foundation. Its a relationship being built on the drugs pouring from your brain into your genitals.

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So I identify NRE with a clouding of judgment that creates an unfair bias. Never again can I give my husband the high of successfully telling an amusing story from his college days. He knows my best anecdotal stories too. While I know unrest will find me through out my life, I am centered enough in my day to day to not be able to be a damsel in distress to him. I know the vast majority of his weaknesses just as he knows mine. And we've driven all over each others body. And all the pesky stresses of marriage, parenting, and finances keep things from being carefree. In this way, neither of us can compete in the realm of NRE rush. I worry NRE will be, by far, our biggest hurdle.
Be aware, and understand what NRE is. Talk about it and point it out. Mistakes can be made, but if everyone is open to listening and hearing about it, you will hopefully find you won't make really bad mistakes. The only thing I am finding that can help slow NRE to a managable and usable tool is logic.

I am a bit of a wave rider with NRE. I take it when I can get it and when I can't, I try not to wallow to much. I tend to do a decent job, however I did have some moments. It all hits us, we just have to use that thing the animals don't have much of, a brain. And try and work through the potential spirals. And hopefully your partners can help you pull out of any bad waves

Last edited by Ariakas; 09-20-2010 at 05:08 PM.
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  #162  
Old 09-20-2010, 04:44 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Great talk about NRE

My experience with NRE is that, beyond physical obsession, it creates a bubble around me and my partner. It's not a bubble of oblivious illogic but one of protection. NRE shielded me from the judgement and doubt of others. (I was also judged when I got married the first time). I think this was very important in the beginning of my relationship with Redpepper. We had so many hurdles and differences to face that if I was affected by the opinion of my friends I would not have been able to get through everything else. I was basically invulnerable to external pressures amplified by the male ego.

While we definitely have an intense relationship with a lot of "NRE" aspects, that bubble of invulnerability has faded for me. I have become more protective of my privacy and more susceptible to the judgement of others outside of our poly community.

I think NRE can create a temporary reality that has a certain element of illusion. It's like playing in Never Never Land until you grow up and find yourself on the outside looking in. It is a small personal reality that temporarily removes us from the large body of everyone else's.

I think it is the relationships that are built on solid foundations that will be up to the challenge of flourishing even after we are no longer running around in our Peter Pan getaways. Of course that is often the time that some will look for a new path back to Never Never Land.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 09-20-2010 at 04:50 PM.
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  #163  
Old 09-20-2010, 06:44 PM
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When I was unattached and falling in love with one person from being single NRE was a totally different thing. Now I think single mum's and Dad's who are mono go through similar experiences to us poly's. They have children to consider. As we get older and have more responsibility there is more to think about while in NRE regardless of whether the relationship is mono or poly.

It is hard to be empathetic to others and be patient, but we have to be... I have found myself slide with people that are just not important but demand that they should be.... when no in NRE I would have the capacity to be patient or just walk away, but instead I have lashed out and gotten cranky. Not fair to them... and I regret that. That for me was the hardest part. The part I need to work on the most about NRE.

The rest was a matter of being a good caregiver... I am a caregiver by nature, because my mother taught me to be, to the detriment of what is good for me, so I had no trouble with this. No one knew my NRE existed to the extent it did. They still don't. I gave little away and I'm proud of that. I sucked it up and cherished it as a little secret all to my own. A little package in my heart that would burst forth when opened every now and then...

It has made it last and last... I am more in love than one could ever imagine and with every day that goes by. Falling in love over and over every time the package opens and with every gesture that this is "right" for us... all of us. I'm so glad to be able to have that everyday.
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  #164  
Old 09-21-2010, 01:31 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think the main danger of NRE is to existing relationship. Really, due to the mono-normality we're raised with, even poly people might leave an existing relationship due to the NRE with a new one, rather than try to make both work.

There is also a clear danger of neglecting the existing partners, even when you are poly and aware of the NRE's risks. I think having supporting partners really help, so that you can share that NRE with them. In my case, it helps that Rag has an interest as well, so we can relate to each other more easily in that way.
I would say I'm reaching a part where the NRE is still strong but I'm starting to see more flaws in Sean. Which is very good. See, before that, because I seemed to only see his good traits, it could make Rag less "interesting" in comparison. While I still have a strong ORE with Rag, the thrill of NRE is different.
Now I feel like I can be a bit more impartial, mostly about their differences. There are ways I am more "compatible" with Sean and, sure enough, ways I am more "compatible" with Rag. And lately, I have noticed the importance of the ORE: how we know each other, understand each other, have similar values or know how our values differ and respect that...
I'm still in a phase of exploration with Sean, and I'm realising that we have many more cultural differences. While Canadian, Rag is very "European" in many ways. Sean is much more American.

Difference can be good and interesting, but they can also come as a shock. I'm enjoying being at a place where I can enjoy the differences between Sean and Rag, and appreciate both of them more for that.

Really, it first happened when I met Sean. We clicked very well, thanks to the NRE, and being apart again was very hard, as happy as I was to be with Rag again. The next few days were very harsh, because my interest (a coworker of Sean's) changed jobs and states before I could make a move, and I was worried of having missed my chance. Add to that missing Sean and I was in a very weird, conflicted place.
I was very worried about neglecting Rag, but later we spent very good quality time together and I could appreciate how we don't have to do anything "special", how just being together is soothing, how we understand each other so well due to years of sharing each other's lives.

Then I reached a new point in my relationship with Sean. While we used to talk every day in some form, we started talking less, partly because he was busy, partly because I was spending time with Rag when Sean wasn't busy, and partly because even when Sean wasn't busy and I wasn't spending time with Rag, I wanted some time for myself.

I feel that helped me get over the addictiveness of it, and enjoy the good parts of NRE without stressing too much about the bad ones.

Wow, I guess I made a longer post than I first intended. Either way, I think NRE can cause a balancing act, but I'm enjoying it very much.
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  #165  
Old 09-21-2010, 02:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
When I was unattached and falling in love with one person from being single NRE was a totally different thing. Now I think single mum's and Dad's who are mono go through similar experiences to us poly's. They have children to consider. As we get older and have more responsibility there is more to think about while in NRE regardless of whether the relationship is mono or poly.
I agree with this point! I've got 3 kids, and introducing a new baby while still making time for the older kids you love so much is quite like being polyamorous!
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  #166  
Old 12-26-2010, 06:08 PM
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"I think a lot of people give others a free pass on unacceptable behavior, because "Well, it's just NRE." I look at NRE not unlike I look at the behavior of a woman on her period. Some people handle it well. Others don't. But I'm not going to say it's acceptable to treat a person poorly just because it's that time of the month. Neither am I going to excuse a person for treating someone poorly just because they have NRE."

Someone wrote this on the FB group I belong to, I thought it was worth repeating and discussing if anyone wants to. Speaking as a woman who understands what it feels like to be crazy on my period and crazy on NRE... the relation to one another makes sense to me
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-26-2010 at 06:14 PM.
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  #167  
Old 12-26-2010, 07:38 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
"I think a lot of people give others a free pass on unacceptable behavior, because "Well, it's just NRE." I look at NRE not unlike I look at the behavior of a woman on her period. Some people handle it well. Others don't. But I'm not going to say it's acceptable to treat a person poorly just because it's that time of the month. Neither am I going to excuse a person for treating someone poorly just because they have NRE."

Someone wrote this on the FB group I belong to, I thought it was worth repeating and discussing if anyone wants to. Speaking as a woman who understands what it feels like to be crazy on my period and crazy on NRE... the relation to one another makes sense to me
Yeah. That.
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  #168  
Old 05-06-2011, 06:59 AM
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Pooka Pooka is offline
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Default first serious relationship, NRE, fear of losing; help appreciated

hi there =)

I am a 29 years old male from Turkey, living with my girlfriend with whom I have been together for almost three and a half years.

I have never been in a polyamorous relationship until this one but I always felt right when thinking of such since some 5-6 years ago. almost since the beginning of our relationship -app. 3 years ago- I have unveiled my desire to be polyamorous to my girlfriend. and since that time I have tried to encourage her towards understanding and even accepting the same for herself.

I am bisexual and I was the first to have a -mostly- sexual relationship with a male queer friend of ours nearly one year ago. only on two occasions we actually made sex. then she had one such sexual relationship with another male. I had a semi-romantic relationship with a girl friend of ours then.

we had slight to moderate problems with these, able to overcome them with ease at the end.

now, things are different and that was why I sought out some help online. you are very welcome to advice on this:

we are involved with an lgbt rights association here since some years ago, and all our outside relations have been within that sub-culture. it is the same now, except I currently do not have anyone except her and she just began -for the first time for both us- a thrilling emotional relationship with a boy (female-to-male transgender to be accurate) and I have felt very much alone since two weeks ago when they started.

he is from another city, we knew him from the same lgbt rights movement and they spent a night together two weeks ago for the first time. since then I felt so alone and deserted, with her head in the clouds, messaging, chatting -mostly out of my sight. it is stronger than what we anticipated to face at this level of polyamory experience.

after much buildup and patience I tried to exercise, two nights ago we finally experienced a serious bump after she ignored me for hours at the nightclub, closing her eyes and most probably thinking of him (we had quite a buzz that night). some drunk acquaintance girl came up to us and said out of thin air: you should break up.

I cried that night when we got home immediately after that incident. we then talked about it a lot, I told her I am afraid and would do better with more care from her, she calmed me saying she loves me so much and never thinks of letting me go.

things are better now, I know this is due to NRE - new relationship energy. and with a long distance relationship as this, it may be much stronger and long-lasting.

we are closer now, seeing our own faults in other areas of our relationship (at least I do) and showing more care to what we do for each other. I love her like crazy. she tries to be understanding and I try to be patient, try not to be afraid of losing her.

I'm not very good with terms maybe this should be called open relationship, some of you will know better. that's what I wanted since the beginning and it is me who encouraged us to the point where we are now. that's thrilling.

yet I cannot say I am totally calm and cool now. I am afraid but I think I must overcome it.

please comment friends =)

Last edited by Pooka; 05-06-2011 at 01:39 PM.
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  #169  
Old 05-06-2011, 10:19 PM
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Hi Pooka,

I don't think the terms matter too much. I think (and others feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) that an open relationship typically is marked by more casual or short term outside relationships? As opposed to one or both of you developing a very serious other love. It sounds like you are worried that her other love is perhaps more serious that you may be comfortable with right now? And perhaps their NRE is difficult to deal with, making you feel insecure about the relationship. Now, who is this random person that told you two to break up? Is this some one who's opinion you trust and value? On what grounds do they say that? And why was your GF ignoring you? I guess it's hard to say much without more information.

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  #170  
Old 05-07-2011, 03:21 AM
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It sounds like you have been used to a more casual version of poly until now. *Open* might be a good term for your relationship dynamic, but that is up to you really. Some people describe their poly as having many sexual experiences with where they kind of know the people and everyone knows that you are doing things with others.

This is different it sounds like. The possibility of something real to invest in. I can imagine that is really scary for you as the one watching it and being the same old same old. Possibility doesn't mean that everything ends though. Love doesn't mean everyrhing else ends either. What it means is that you will need to be clear about your needs and ensure they are met as much as your partner can. Most of the time people baring the brunt of nre need reassurance, extra words of compassion and understsanding, and time where the other person is not a part of the conversation or being text throughout.

Now that you are in it, it sounds like you are communicating and making sure that your partner knows you need extra attention. That's all you can really do. Going at the pace of the one that is struggling the most might help; that being you. There is no rush in all this, take your time to investigate how you feel. I don't suggest avoiding or ignoring your feelings. Embrace them and learn from them. Talk to people, read around here and get comfortable with the change. It sounds like you are doing fine. If you do a search in the tags here for nre, you will see that at least what you are going through is common.
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