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  #41  
Old 12-26-2010, 03:33 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Originally Posted by StrangerinKS View Post
. . . all through this, her words said one thing but her actions said another.
Trust what she DOES. People can say anything, but ACTIONS reveal the heart.

If you choose to continue your romantic involvement with your ex, be forewarned. She has already demonstrated the capacity to hurt you badly, in a disrespectful and cavalier manner. And you have allowed that hurtful behavior. Neither of you is showing YOU much love or respect. No wonder your wife is protective and angry.

If you do decide to reconcile with your ex, have a plan in place to respect and love yourself enough to see that she does not hurt you again. If you can't do that for yourself, do it to protect your wife from having to watch you suffer.

Good luck to you, wherever this leads.
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  #42  
Old 12-26-2010, 06:27 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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Default reconciliation

At this point, any reconciliation would be on a friendship basis only, at least in the short and medium terms. I think that with sufficient time we can end up having a marvelous friendship, but neither of us are there yet. Long-term, who knows...maybe it would get physical again, maybe it wouldn't, but I'm not going to worry about that right now.

Right now I am focused on getting my internal psychological house back in order, and on my relationship with my wife.
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  #43  
Old 12-27-2010, 06:50 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Originally Posted by StrangerinKS View Post
At this point, any reconciliation would be on a friendship basis only, at least in the short and medium terms. I think that with sufficient time we can end up having a marvelous friendship, but neither of us are there yet. Long-term, who knows...maybe it would get physical again, maybe it wouldn't, but I'm not going to worry about that right now.

Right now I am focused on getting my internal psychological house back in order, and on my relationship with my wife.
This is wisdom, I think.
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  #44  
Old 12-27-2010, 07:25 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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Default hurt

I obviously have some security issues to work on. If I had been more secure and confident in the first place, things would never have gotten as bad as they did. Either I wouldn't have gotten as hurt as badly by her behavior, or I would have stood up for myself a lot sooner, and either diffused the situation with better communication, or withdrawn from the relationship sooner and without as much heartache.

My wife says 90% of this is my lover's fault for being insensitive and treating me as disposable. Personally, I think I bear a greater share of the responsibility than that. I don't like trying to "assign" percentages in such cases, but both my lover and I made some serious mistakes. I can't fix her issues, but I can fix mine, so that's what I'm working on.
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  #45  
Old 12-27-2010, 10:15 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by StrangerinKS View Post
I obviously have some security issues to work on. If I had been more secure and confident in the first place, things would never have gotten as bad as they did. Either I wouldn't have gotten as hurt as badly by her behavior, or I would have stood up for myself a lot sooner, and either diffused the situation with better communication, or withdrawn from the relationship sooner and without as much heartache.
Sometimes the shit can blindside. No matter how strong or how much you are invested. It might have nothing to do with you...pain comes from investment. If you were invested in her, its gonna hurt. If someone doesn't care, they can dismiss with ease. My ex is like this, she can roll through guys pretty easily, and not even blink in pain.

Easy words to say, tough words to live by. I do the same thing, I blame myself for every bump and second guess everything I do when breakups happen.

Quote:
My wife says 90% of this is my lover's fault for being insensitive and treating me as disposable. Personally, I think I bear a greater share of the responsibility than that. I don't like trying to "assign" percentages in such cases, but both my lover and I made some serious mistakes. I can't fix her issues, but I can fix mine, so that's what I'm working on.
If relationships were like math life sure would be easier
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  #46  
Old 01-04-2011, 07:49 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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Default update

Well, the latest update.

My ex and I have been briefly emailing and texting a bit. Yesterday I got a longer email asking me to call her. So I called her....she is currently on her business trip and I guess she is lonely.

We talked about an hour. She said that she is happy with her husband and her current lover....but still misses me tremendously, and feels like part of her is missing, like there is a hole in her heart. She said she is not ready to see me in person quite yet when she gets back from her trip, but would like to resume emailing and chatting and texting in the meantime. She says she feels tremendous longing for me, but that she can't undo the choices that she made. She wants to try and rebuild this into a friendship, but worries that there always be the undercurrent of romance and sexual tension that could mess it up. She says she still loves me and regrets the way things went, and isn't sure she can stop thinking of me as a lover even if we are no longer physically intimate.

I don't really know what to say or do. I miss her greatly and I still feel a hole in my heart, although it has been getting better in recent days. I am moving forward with my life and, with my wife's urging and approval, have begun dating a new woman on a casual basis. I like her but it doesn't have the same "instant love" thing I had with my ex, which is fine since I'm not looking for romance or love right now outside of my marraige. The new girl isn't looking for love either, so our needs seem compatable.

My wife and I have been getting along excellently of late and our own passion and romance is as good as ever. She is still very angry at my ex but her frustration with me for not standing up for myself sooner has eased.

Anyway, that is the latest. I don't know what will happen with my ex. My feeling is that we will find our way into a friendship but we will see. I still love her and I always will.
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  #47  
Old 01-14-2011, 09:48 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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Default the latest

Another update:

My ex is about to return from her trip. We have had intermittent electronic communication while she has been gone. She says she still feels pulled towards me and loves me, and that her other guy, while a great guy, isn't like me and doesn't have the same kind of deep connection. But at the same time she is talking about the life she wants to build with him...which is very much like the life we talked about wanting to build together once my big work project was done, which it now is. I just don't understand why, if I'm the "special one" with the unbreakable connection, that she decided to make him her main romantic focus instead.

My wife thinks that my ex will try to get me back as a physical lover within the next month. I don't know if she is right or not, but my wife also told me that, while she is ok with us being friends, she would not be OK with us becoming physical lovers again. She says that my ex betrayed my wife's trust too by treating my emotions without enough respect. So even if we go forward as friends, we can't be physical lovers again...I won't go that direction without my wife's approval.

My emotions on all of this range from whistful to resigned to depressed to "ok, we'll be great friends." I still feel tremendous love and longing for my ex, but I'm not sure what to do with it.
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  #48  
Old 01-14-2011, 09:57 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Be careful. Just from reading some of your post, your wife has a real good point. Your ex seems a bit immature/flighty. She seems to go back and forth too easily. What happens the next time you have a difference of opinion, is she back to the other guy?
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  #49  
Old 01-14-2011, 10:06 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
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Default yeah

Yeah, I agree.

A friend of mine who has poly experience says that it sounds to her like my ex kept "testing your love" to see how much I could take before cracking.
Every time I would get to the point of overcoming my fears and insecurity, she would up the ante until I finally couldn't take it any more. She says it is the only explanation really for her behavior...she was trying to sabotage it. Otherwise, why did she pick a guy that she says she doesn't feel the same connection with? It isn't just her saying this to me, I heard from a backchannel source that she has told other people this too.
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