Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 12-15-2010, 10:47 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 27
Default talk

Had a good talk with my counselor today. She thinks the relationship may be salvagable but that it will take time for everyone to settle down. She advises me to avoid any over-the-top moves right now, to work on my insecurities and get myself re-grounded psychologically and spiritually and to refocus my energies with my wife again. Once I am more stable and less emotional about it, she thinks that that will be the time to see if this can be rebuilt, even if as just a friendship.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 12-15-2010, 11:14 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I'm glad you got another opinion that echos what has been somewhat adviced here.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 12-15-2010, 11:24 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 27
Default it helps

It helps, but I keep getting these waves of agony throughout the day. I haven't felt anything this horrible since high school.

I really want to reach out to her right now, but it just seems premature.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 12-16-2010, 09:32 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 27
Default email

Well she reached out to me today...got a couple of emails, she apologized for hurting me, doesn't know if we can just be friends or not, requests more time to think and heal.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 12-23-2010, 03:10 PM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 27
Default a meeting

Well I had breakfast with my ex on Tuesday. It was an emotional but civil and adult conversation. She wants to be friends, but isn't sure she can, since she still thinks of me as a lover and isn't sure she can adjust that back to just friends. I agree with her, I'm not sure I can either. Despite the awkwardness and pain of it all, there was still the old electricity, when we looked at each other in the eye, and when we hugged.

She said that even though she knew I loved her and she loved me, she wasn't surprised by the breakup, and that she was thinking about doing it herself. She agreed with me that our relationship had become unhealthy for both of us. She also said that everything I had said about the way she had hurt me was true, and she was sorry for it. She also said if she could do anything she could, it would be to go back and never meet the other guy in the first place. Too late for that...we have to live with the consequences of our actions. I talked about my insecurities, and how I have been working hard to resolve them. She talked about her insecurities as well, and we agreed that we both got carried away in the beginning with NRE.

She is going on a three-week business trip after Christmas, and we agreed we would meet sometime after she gets back, but in the meantime would step back. So that's where that stands. In a way, I feel like I have closure now. A big part of me thinks that I'll never see her again, but that's OK. My last memory will be of giving her a hug, and that's better than the way we parted.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 12-23-2010, 05:47 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

To clarify, was this your lover's first poly relationship? You said it was the first for "both of you", but I'm unsure if that means you and lover, or you and wife.

If it was lover's first relationship, I'm betting she exploded out of the starting gate a titch.

I'd say, tell her you made a hasty decision, express interest in rebuilding, and then let her come around. You'll give her space, and have time to start working on your own insecurities in the meantime.

I also wonder if your wife is upset because she is the one who's been helping you deal with the fallout from this woman? No matter which way this goes, be sure to thank your wife and be cognizant of how much of your quality time is being taken up by the other relationship. I think if you can approach the relationship as a stronger, more confident person, this will put your wife more at ease.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 12-23-2010, 05:50 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Oh hey, there was a whole 'nother page to this thread that I didn't read before posting my reply.

Glad you've got some closure, and a happy memory to part on, if that is what it turns out to be.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 12-24-2010, 12:11 AM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 27
Default answers

Yes, this was my first poly relationship, and my lover's first as well, although both her and her husband and me and my wife have dabbled (successfully) in swinging without problems. The problem this time came when deep emotions got involved.

She seems happy with her new guy and her husband, and I'm glad for that, although as I said she told me Tuesday that she wishes she could take it all back and have just stuck with me in the first place. I'm not sure what to make of that.

My wife and I are doing well. It has been very stressful for us. My wife was strongly, STRONGLY supportive of the relationship with my lover at first, but she now believes that my lover treated me badly and is very angry about it. She's been frustrated with me at times as well, feeling that I held on too long, and that towards the end I wasn't paying enough attention to her (my wife) even when my lover was making me miserable. We have been working hard at getting things back on an even keel and are doing well. Our relationship is incredibly secure, which is why our swinging adventures have worked well, and why we were willing to give poly a try.

The issue was never jealousy about or from my wife...I got jealous about my lover.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 12-26-2010, 01:04 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by StrangerinKS View Post
After thinking about it the last few days, I have to agree with both of you. The breakup was premature on my part...this could have been fixed, or at least I needed to give it more time. This was the first poly experience for either one of us, and the mistakes are clear.
Nah. I'll disagree with RP.

She was toying with you. When you were relatively near by and available, she was happy to play. When you went away for a bit, she found a toy closer and decided to play with that one.

What bothers me in the scenario is that she apparently has little regard for you--no discussion of how much interaction you need on a daily basis and just dropping you from the texting, calling, etc.

It's quite a simple thing: believe what people DO. She can say anything she wants. It's what she actually does that tells you what you need to know. If she stops with the daily contact, it means she really doesn't want the daily contact and you aren't important enough to her now for that sort of interaction.

That's a clear message, I believe.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 12-26-2010, 01:37 AM
StrangerinKS StrangerinKS is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 27
Default could be

Could be Autumnal....certainly your view accords with my wife's take on the situation.

On the other hand this morning I got an email from her saying that she missed me, longs for me, still loves me, and wishes we could have found a way to make it work but isn't sure she can just be friends because when we saw each other earlier in the week, all she could think of was how much she still wanted to be with me, and that she is so sorry she had hurt me and wishes she could take it all back. I don't know what to think, really.

You are right though...all through this, her words said one thing but her actions said another.

Last edited by StrangerinKS; 12-26-2010 at 01:39 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:17 PM.